I WENT INTO THE WOODS HUNTING FOR BEARS

I went into the woods hunting for bear,
But, a Bigfoot had already been there,
He ate all the bears,
Except for some hairs,
And then those hairs were no more than two pair.

THE SWARM OF THE BEES

I never knew just what was coming,

All I heard was just the humming,

Then, out of the breeze,

Came ten million bees,

Although, I might have erred while I was summing.

PIG MITES

There were little mites that lived on my pig,

They were irritating, so in mud my pig would dig,

But to even the score,

The mites would bite more,

Now some mites colonized my best wig.

VOLTAIRE THE GOAT

Voltaire was a goat placed into my care,
From the cloths line he ate the kings underwear,
No undies meant the king got cold,
He got angry, so I was told,
The late king tried to butt heads with Voltaire.

THERE ONCE WAS A RANCHER NAMED GILES

There was a rancher named Giles,
He hailed from the British Isles,
He raised billy-goats,
On green beans and oats,

The smell would hit you once in a while.

There once was a rancher named Giles,
He has used up all of his wiles,
His Billy Goats won't give milk,
His worms won't sew silk,
And, his horse ran off fifty miles.

I TRAVELED BACK IN TIME TO MEET LUCY

I went back in time to visit my ancestor named Lucy,

I found her eating a big gander goosey,

She shared her meal,

Of goose and oatmeal,

Then I taught her to dance the watusi.

I WENT TO LONDON TO SEE THE QUEEN

I went to London to visit the queen, 

But the guards wouldn't let me see her because they were mean,

So on one's big puffy hat,

I gave it a spat,

The guard made me lick the puffy hat clean.

I WENT TO GRAMMY'S FOR DINNER AND A PLAGUE

I went to Grammy's and got plague up my nose,

I got covered with plague from my hairs to my toes

I hope one fine day,

The plague goes away,

Right now I'm doing the throes. 

I NEED AN INTERVENTION

I'm trying to get over my addiction to snow,

It's hard to get over when it's everywhere that I go,

I need an intervention,

For my re-addiction prevention,

Gift me a trip to Cancun, I'll go.

THE NICE PIG NAMED CLANCY

There was a nice pig named Clancy,
He liked to dress up really fancy,
He didn't get a thrill,
By swimming in Swill,
Besides he dated a neat freak named Nancy.

PRECISION TOOL LOLA IS ON THE JOB

Lola used precision tools on appliances large and small,

And because she made such quick repairs Lola was always on call, 

Then, one day Lola called in sick,

Her replacements work was far less than quick,

So Lola had to promise she'd not miss more time at all. 

BUGS, HUGS AND BIRTHDAY CAKE

Debbie baked a secret birthday cake,
And she baked the cake with love,
She baked it for her boyfriend Drake,
And hid it in the attic above,

When the big day came for the birthday boy,
Debbie presented the cake with kisses and hugs,
But Drake reacted by being coy,
For the cake was crawling with bugs.

THINGS THAT EAT AND DRINK MY STUFF POEM

Chipmunk ate my cupcake,
Squirrel ate my  asthma pill,
Otter ate my fish,
Rabbit ate my dill,

Bear drank my moonshine, 
River ate my road,
Rust ate my pickup truck,
A tornado ate my abode.

GETTING OLD

Dark circles under the eyes,

Flabby bulges in the thighs,

Teeth with stains,

Big weight gains,

You turned 21, it's no surprise.

MY SCOOTER ON THE HIGHWAY

On the highway my scooter wouldn't scoot,
I held up traffic and got a toot, toot,
Then, along came the police,
To keep the traffic at peace,
Into the ditch they gave my scooter a boot.

VAMPIRE BITES

After I received a vampire bite,

Then I turned a real white, white,

My hope did a sag,

When I got my toe tag,

And got shoved in a freezer, real tight.

POTATOISM

There are potatoes in my stew, chilli and all my  soup,

There are potatoes in my fridge, freezer, cupboards, closet, stoop,

There are potatoes in my jelly,

Deep fat fried ones in my belly,

I got rid of my chickens and store potatoes in their coup.

PORRIDGE, KIDNEY, SPLEEN

My cash reserves were pretty lean,

My bank account was empty, clean,

I took cornmeal and made some porridge, 

The cornmeal came from long term storage,

And it was so contaminated, I lost a kidney and a spleen.

I LOST MY GIRLFRIEND TO A ROBOT HAIKU

My robot, cleaned floor,
Girlfriend, robot cleaned her,
Robot, girlfriend gone.

NIGHT ARTIST

While the household snores and slumbers,🛏🛏

I make pretty pics with my paint-by-numbers,💯3⃣🔞🔢

They're pretty pics I can boast,💩💩💩💩

Of demons and ghosts,👿👿👻👻

Eating sandwiches made of cucumbers.🌵🌵🌵