AFTER PRIDE MY GOLDFISH LIED🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

I'm having an autopsy on my goldfish to see why he died,😭

Yesterday, I took him from his bowel with me to have fun at Pride,🌈

He seemed happy flip-flopping,💃🕺👯

To the music he was hopping,🎶🎵🎶 

When I looked this morning at his bowl, on the bottom, he lied.💔

HOW I BECAME A ONE MAN BAND

I went out back of the high school to march with the dress band,

I was the only one there, save for the bear eating a hand,

I forgot my bear mace,

So I froze in place,

When the bear turned away, I raned. 

TIN FOIL HAT PEOPLE NEED HELP

I ran out of tin foil, now the state owns my brain,

With no shinny tin hat, I'm completely insane,

To remember what's true,

On my tongue I must chew,

To keep my mind clear, I must suffer great pain.

Warning:  Don't try this at home. It hurts.

I COUNT ON MY FINGERS AND TOES

I do all math using my fingers and toes,

So twenty is the biggest number I knows,

But the landlord wants more,

Than just one single score,

On the street is where I find myself throws.

THE BIG ALPHA MALE

There was a great fish; a big alpha male,

He ate the other fish, from head to tail,

His body got stronger,

Wider and longer,

He choked to death trying to swallow a snail.

THE CHICK OF WIC

I went down to The Chicken Freak to get me some dip and chicken,

I caught them preparing their secret dip, that included a spell of Wiccan,

I bought some dip and chicken, anyways,

Food's good, no matter which god they prays,

I only wish I'd bought more, so the meal was not slim pickin'. 

BIGFOOTS STICK TOGETHER IN THE MOLASSES INDUSTRY

I went to Michigan to sell homemade molasses,

But everyone who looked at it, gave my molasses, passes

My molasses did not sell,

The stress was making my feet swell,

Then I sold my entire stock to a Bigfoot who wore glasses.

RUPERT THE TOE WITH A GLOW

There was a little Rupert, and he was completely made of toe,

And everywhere that Rupert went, the foot felt it had to go,

Rupert was the big toe on the foot,

He had a seed wart with a root,

He kept his toe nail painted, with gold polish that would glow.

RAINBOWS, CLOWNS AND SODA BURPS

A rainbow got real close to the ground,

It's vibration made a humming sound,

The humming made my mind go clown,,

 I quickly drank my soda down,

Drinking soda causes burps, I found.

THE NUT HOARDER

There once was this squirrel, his name was Russel,

He worked really hard, that squirrel could hustle,

He hoarded nuts in nut season,

Building wealth was his reason,

But he lost his nuts to a bear in a tussle.

SPIDERMAN RING, DOESN'T BRING ZING.

I went to parties and brought to them zing,

Because I wore lots of solid gold bling,

But all my gold got stole,

From my bedroom bling bowl,

All they left was my plastic Spidie ring.

FRIDAY NIGHT: SHOES, CHAINSAWS AND BEER

Some shoes bend left, some shoes bend right,

Shoes hurt like a chainsaw, if too tight,

My toes come in twos,

To fit left-right shoes,

Shoes take me out for beer and a bite. 

MY UNIVERSE IS MADE UP OF STRINGS

My entire universe consists of strings,

I put strings on fiddles and banjos and things,

I run string for cloths lines,

I string tie-up grape vines,

I even string gold, and make jewelry that blings.

MY DECOMPOSING POEM

When I was laying deep down in the ground,

Many thousands of earthworms came around,

Then the maggots hatched out,

They squirmed all about,

Soon not a trace of me was left to be found.

VONNY FISH WITH BONNETS ON PUMPERNICKEL BREAD

I caught buckets full of Vonny fish, with bonnets on their heads, 

They taste great on a sandwich, made with pumpernickel breads,

Then with cheese and tartar sauce,

I teach the fish, who's boss,

And that's how I earned, my chef fish preparer creds.

WEIRD SCIENCE TODAY (TIN FOIL HAT LIMERICKS)

I drank contaminated tap water, and got sick as a dog,

Then I turned into a girly frog,

In a pond by some trees,

I laid my babies,

They're camouflaged as pond scum, under a log. 🐸

SKEETERS

I've never seen so many big skeeters,

Some of them are as long as eight meters,

Why they grow so darn big,

No scientist can fig,

We must stop them, for the human race teeters.

THE SCRAPER OF TERROR

I moved into a skyscraper that scraped across the sky,

It swayed, and it was scary, and I started to cry,

Then the lightening gave a peal,

And I thought it a comforting deal,

I went to bed humming Brahms' Lullaby.

COHABITATION? NOT FOR PIGS AND FISH

I decided to raise fish in the ponds on my farm,

I figured it couldn't do anyone any harm,

But a catfish got so big,

He swallowed my prize pig,

That's when raising fish lost its charm.

THE PIG GOT HIS RIGHTS, NOW MY DIGS CRUMBLE DOWN

I decided to fix up my crumbling digs,

By making money raising razor back pigs,

But one pig was no fool,

He sued to attend school,

Now he's a professor, lecturing between cigs.