HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF YOU🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

Pa was supposed to cut the turkey, but he cut something else instead,

It smelled like the skunk out in the road, that laid there 3 days dead,

Ma sprayed air conditioner all around,

It got in the food, and made us frown,

Pa finally cut the turkey, and got his family fed.

ANOTHER HOLIDAY VISITOR

There was an evil raven in my house; he flew in through my door,

He started a conversation, that I decided, best to ignore,

Then he pecked upon my head,

I hit him hard, and he was dead,

So we ate raven for Thanksgiving, and he tasted like a s'more.

CHICKEN, GREASE AND BUNNIES

I bought some little chunks of chicken to deep fry in bacon grease,

That's what we'll have for Christmas, because my bird shot missed the geese, 

Although I'm in the habit,

Of eating Christmas rabbit,

The bunnies, this year looked so cute, that I left them all in peace.

IT LURKS BEHIND THE CORN

The monster lurking out behind the fielded corn,

We believe from the earth, it was a pumpkin born,

But an evil, magic spell,

Cast by a rouge witch, named Dell,

Carved the Jack-O-Lantern, that hunts before the morn.

I GOT MY CANDY BARS, BRING ON HALLOWEEN

I bought twenty-six pounds of candy bars for my Halloween,

I'm not sharing any of them, because I'm greedy and mean,

I am no silly fool,

My candy bars, stay cool,

I don't want the chocolate ones to melt, and make a messy scene.

MY SWEATY CORNET

It seemed like for my old cornet, all the notes did melt,

For steaming hot was parade day, and that my cornet felt,

My lips got drip, dry parched, 

The notes got damaged as we marched,

When the parade was finally done, I had a root beer belt.

TALK ABOUT A BAD SANTA

Santa's at the beach and he's having lots of summer fun,

He left Mrs. Santa at home; he's with a special hon,

But an age difference he fears,

About 20,000 years,

And Santa's new young lady, shows she's baking him a bun.

ZOMBIES ON THE FOURTH

The zombies attacked on the 4th Of July,

They ate my best friends, Herbie and Guy,

Then the rocket glared,

The zombies got scarred,

And I ate burgers, and finished with pie.

PEACE, GREASE AND BANANAS

The only way my brain finds peace,

Is eating bananas fried in bacon grease,

They taste so good,

The main food in my hood,

We use them for stuffing, in our Christmas geese.

AN APRIL FOOL'S PLAN

I suppose I should plan an April Fool's joke,

One not so scary it would make someone croak,

Maybe one big surprise,

A day I tell no one lies,

Yet, perhaps the truth might give someone a stroke. 

END OF YEAR AIR TRAFFIC BOOHOO

It's the end for 2022,

Boohoo, boohoo,

No use to fret and stew,

Not much one can do,

But figure out which airlines, that we need to sue.

CHRISTMAS PINE NEEDLE TEA WAS THE VERY END OF ME

The needles on my Christmas tree, were treated with bug spray,

So when I drank pine needle tea, I was dead by end of day,

The ground was froze,

And so it goes,

I wasn't buried til end of May.

THE WORST CHRISTMAS CARD I'VE EVER SEEN, BUT IT'S THE ONLY ONE I GOT

Christmas cards I did not get,

Except for one that looked like twit,

Whatever sap

Drew such crap,

I think that art, they'd better quit.

MY BULBS I BROKE

I went outside because I'm so messy,

When I deck out my Christmas tree,

My brains I soak,

With rum and coke,

That's why my bulbs are mostly broke,

My neighbor, all he drinks is tea,

So, he has twice as many bulbs as me.

A VENISON DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS

Mrs. Claus debated what she'd have for dinner on Christmas Day,
Then, she saw all those reindeer hitched behind her husband's sleigh,
So, she cooked up venison roasts,
For all those elves she had to host,
And, Santa hoped his packages would arrive by USPS by Christmas Day.

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

WANDA WENDT WENT SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The day before Christmas, Wanda Wendt went store Shopping,

From store to store, Wanda Wendt went whip hopping,

When Wanda uncorked red wine,

Wanda Wendt was real fine,

Then, Wanda got munchies, and went Burger King Whopping.

I SMELL WHAT I EAT

My name is Magnolia and I smell like a beast,

I always smell foul after a Christmas ham feast,

I like cheese, peppers and kraut,

Stuffed in piggys big snout,

What I like best, most folks like the least.

It's Christmas, And There Ain't No Pleasing My Kid

I went out and found a Christmas tree,

It stood straight and tall, at 6'3"

I sawed it down,

Hauled it back to town,

My kid, she insisted I set it free.

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY (THANKSGIVING)

I had to remove all the remains,

My family ate turkey, the meat and the veins

But, when it came to eating bones,

The bones might as well been hard stones,

They chose pie a la mode and weight gains.