THE PROBLEM WITH NOSE SLUGS

The problem with nose slugs as you all know,
Is you must pick and pull at them or they won't go,
They don't come out on their own,
Until they're full grown,
By then they've crawled way down below.

THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT LIMERICK

This is called the year of the rabbit,
I have to break my rabbit hunt habit,
So, I’ll go hunting for squirrel,
Though their taste makes me hurl,
If I see a hare I think I will nab it.

THE SUN ALSO SURPRISES

Each morning you wait for the light of day,
You think that the sun always rises,
But, what if that daybreak never comes,
Then, you’ll know the sun also surprises,

Maybe you’re an old Hemingway buff,
You think there’s light on the other side,
But, if you are a Shakespeare buff,
It’s ok if your main character died.













,











,

MY GIRLFRIEND IS CRAZY

My girlfriend is crazy,
She says that I am lazy,
I try to work,
But, I'm a jerk,
I just want a big raizy.

THE WOOD STOVE FAILURE

When you’re living in a trailer,
You can have a wood stove failure,
Cramming in wood just more and more,
Til fire rolls out on the floor,
Then, you’re running out the door,
And, your trailer is no more.

RICH GIRLFRIEND HAIKU

Need rich girlfriend,
I play computer games, drink,
Need money for both.

THE NEW YEAR RECESSION LIMERICK

Now it is again January first,
We hope for good but, fear the worst,
Things aren't so sunny,
In a world with no money,
I'm afraid the world is cursed.

A GREEN MAN'S LAMENT

I use to sell pretty flowers and shrubs,
But, my business was overrun with grubs,
Grub poison is never free,
It was too expensive for me,
So, I burned up the green stuff in tubs.

SANTA BOUGHT A CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa bought a cheap sleigh made of plastic,
He thought the cost savings were simply fantastic,
But, the sleigh would not steer,
Into trees it would steer,
Santa switched sleighs to do something drastic.

OH CROOKED MIGHTY CHRISTMAS TREE

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
Why did I cut one so tall,
You broke the light in the foyer,
And gouged the walls up in the hall,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
What a crooked trunk have thee,
I paid fifty bucks you see,
When by looks you should be free,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
You fell over with a crash,
Now grandma's favorite ornaments,
Are sitting in the trash,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
Just give me one good reason,
Why I shouldn't throw you out the door?
And have a happy holiday season.

HANGING CUPBOARDS HAIKU

Hang, kitchen cupboards,
Screws short, unsecured, crash,
Dishes, glass breaking.

WILLIE AND THE WINTER PARSNIPS

Willie goes out into the snow,
He is buried because of how hard it blow,
But where melting snow drips,
He finds some parsnips,
Now Willie does not want to go.


Willie loves his parsnips,
He digs them from under the snow,
Parsnips are a winter crop,
Or when you’re low on dough.

THERE WAS A RED BRICK NAMED DAVE

There was a red brick named Dave,
Each day he would rant and rave,
He was part of a wall,
That stood eight feet tall,
He wished to be part of the pave.

JOHN SAW TWO SNOWBALLS FLY AT HIS FACE

John saw two snowballs fly at his face,
He tilted his head and beat them with grace,
Then he bent down,
Saving his crown,
But, was pelted with snowballs on his big base.

THE MEAL OF TEARS

Eddy had no money and felt beat,
He had been unemployed for years,
Eddy was homeless with nothing to eat,
His last meal was of tears,

Eddy was just a lonely dude,
Every one was for himself,
Each fighting for just any food,
Even rat droppings on a shelf,

One day Eddy had an idea so great,
He almost cracked a smile,
He decided not to hesitate,
But, act upon his guile,

Eddy stole a soda pop,
He stood in front of the store,
Soon there arrived a local cop,
He took Eddy out the door,

Now Eddy sleeps in a warm bed,
Each day he eats some food,
His personal blogs are well read,
On self help for the average dude,

Hunger with no place to stay,
They are our greatest fears,
But, when your incarcerated prey,
You'll have no more meals of tears.

A CHIMP NAMED LEE

There was a chimpanzee his name was Lee,
He lived in a zoo but yearned to be free,
So he sewed himself cloths,
Took on a human pose,
Then he walked out of the gate before three.

A BAD GRADING SYSTEM MR COX

There once was a math teacher named Mr. Cox,
Those that had his class suffered a nasty pox,
He would not give out an "A",
And "B's" were not his way,
But, he gave out "C's" fast like changing ones socks.

TURKEY DAY: CARVING AND EATING WHAT'S YUMMY

Turkey Day carving,
Manna peels, soft, sweet, flesh, yum,
Heavens tasty meat.

BLACK FRIDAY COMES ONLY ONCE A YEAR

Black Friday comes only once a year,
The sales are great when money is dear,
The stores slash the price,
Up to 70% which is nice,
That leaves more money for pizza and beer.

TRAVERSE BAY TIME

Traverse Bay is big and blue,
It’s water fun through and through,
You can cross with a boat,
Or else swim or just float’
But, don’t wade it whatever you do.

If you fish in Grand Traverse Bay,
You will catch something during the day,
If you get your wish,
It will be a fish,
Not a sea monster coming your way.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
So, he married her and moved to the Peru.

KALKASKA TIME-Limerick

KALKASKA TIME

Kalkaska is a place with bears,
They’re one of Mother Nature’s terrors,
If you hear one grunt,
You must not confront,
Confrontations are serious errors.

Kalkaska has a huge fountain trout,
It’s taller than anything about,
It’s really speckled,
Some say it’s freckled,

It’s really big there is no doubt.

EVIL ROY THE MOTH

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
He ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

POOR LITTLE GEORGIE WAS TEASED OUT OF SCHOOL

Poor little Georgie was teased out of school,
The kids and the teachers said he was a fool,
But, after many years Georgie finally got even,
When he created the butler robot named Steven,
Now Georgie has a mansion and billions of dollars,
His former Nemesis's are poor and live in squallers.

CHEAP BOTTLED WINE

Real cheap bottled wine,
Bittersweet kiss on the lips,
Burns when you go pee,

MY BEST BUDDIE MACKIE JUST GOT A DIVORCE

My best buddy Mackie just got a divorce,
His wife was in love with another of course,
Unfair was the court,
With the child support,
It’s the wife’s lover’s primary income source.

MANCELONA TIME

MANCELONA TIME

Mancelona had a pig roast,
They ate their pig with eggs and toast,
But then someone muttered,
Their toast was not buttered,
So,now they have no roast to boast,

If you really love to catch big fish,
In Mancelona you’ll get your wish,
They have rainbow trout,
And sunfish that pout,
And recipes to make your fish dish.

Mancelona was a real small town,
But, their cheese was famous all around,
Some saw a rat,
Near the cheese vat,
Then the cheese factory was shut down.

A BAD MAN NAMED ROY

A witch cursed a bad man named Roy,
She turned him into a float toy,
He was a toy boat,
But, he could not float,
He was sank by a bad little boy.

ODE TO “THE RENT IS JUST TOO DAMN HIGH” GUY

A strange looking man with his gray hair on the fly,
He had strange barred whiskers but, he was sober and spry,
At the governors debate he answered only one reply,
“The rent is just too damn high”,

If I lived in his state he’d have my vote free and clear,
The other candidates were evasive like the truth caused them fear,
This man had one answer to all the issues which profusely he’d cry,
All our problems are caused because “the rent is just too damn high”.

THERE WAS A GENETIC SCIENTIST NAMED JONES

There was a mad scientist named Jones,
His online screen name was "thebones",
He would spend his whole day,
With his own DNA
Now Jones has dozens of clones.

JESSIE MADE A PAINTING

Jessie made a painting,
It was a village by the sea,
But, her bad luck was a tainting,
The village was flooded by broken lei.

JERRY HAD AN EVIL ID

Within Jerry there was an evil Id,
It made him do bad things,
He’d throw stones at the morning doves,
And, pull off butterfly wings,

The school sent Jerry to a doc,
To see if he was crazy,
The doctor assured that Jerry was,
Very evil and real lazy,

Now Jerry takes strong medication,
He just sits real quiet in school,
Now no one knows if Jerry is smart,
Or, just another fool,

So if you have an evil Id,
Don’t let anyone know,
Or they will fill you full of drugs,
And, then your life will blow.

THERE WAS A CONGRESSWOMAN NAMED BELLE

There was a congresswoman named Belle,
Her vote was always there to sell,
She would take any bid,
That's all that she did,
That's why the government works so well.

THERE WAS AN OLD BANKER NAMED GENE

There was an old banker named Gene,
Everyone knew he was mean,
He would charge huge fees,
Put you down on your knees,
His interest rates were obscene.


There was an old banker named Gene,
Foreclosures made him real green,
He did what he could,
Not what he should,
He's so rich that now its obscene.

THERE WAS A CROCKADILE NAMED LARRY

There was a crocodile named Larry,
When he grabs your leg it's really scary,
One day near the beach,
He grabbed an old teach,
Who was munching on a strawberry?

SHELIA THE COW HAD GAS

Shelia was a big white cow,
She ate up all the grass,
But, when at night she did lie down,
She passed enormous gas.

WHEN THE GARDEN FROST COMES TOO SOON

When the garden frost comes too soon,
A dirge for my plants is my tune,
If I would harvest too early,
My food would taste squirely,
A jeer to the cold harvest moon.

I tarried at a terrible cost,
My entire garden got the frost,
Dead plants are pepper and bean,
The squash don't look too keen,
The tomatoes will have to be tossed.

MY SAVIOR IS A TWO BY FOUR

My savior is a two by for,
I keep right beside my door,
When a creep comes my way,
I wish him a good day,
If he attacks I give him what for.

A PIG NAMED MORTIE

There was a very big pig named Mortie,
He was depressed because he turned forty,
He ate cottage cheese and cheddar,
The cheese made Mortie feel better,
But, the cheese made his skin all warty.

Mortie was an unhappy pig,
His head was small and his belly big,
He tried to loose weight,
But, fat was his fate,
So, he made his head large with a wig.

A PETOSKEY STONE I SOLD TODAY

A Petoskey stone I sold today,
I sanded and polished since early May,
It sold for a buck,
It was not good luck,
To send it out I had three bucks to pay.

I STARTED TO POLISH A PETOSKEY STONE

I started to polish a Petoskey stone,
It's a fossil corral not a fossil bone,
It lived in the Devonian Era,
On our little planet called Terra,
I stopped polishing for an ice cream cone.

GROVER AND MR. TURKEY

There was a chicken named Grover,
Who yearned for the end of October,
Because Mr. Turkey,
Was a real turkey Jerky,
Yet, in November his time would be over.

PHIL TOLD HIS GRANDMA THAT HE LIKED TO BLOG

Phil told his grandma that he liked to blog,
She gave him wood shoes to dance the clog,
When Phil scratched-up the floor,
His mom said no more,
Now the shoes are a play toy for the dog.

I KNEW A GIRL IN MANCELONA

I knew a nice girl from Mancelona,
She was always talking on her cell phona,
She’d call her boyfriend Rick Pain,
Who lived in old Spain,
It made her poor to call Barcelona.

A RAT HERO NAMED SHERMAN

There was a young ship rat named Sherman,
The sailors all called him a vermon,
But, when the ship caught on fire,
And, things looked real dire,
He saved all but himself said the sermon.

THERE WAS A FRENCH POODLE NAMED DORIS-Limerick

There was a French poodle named Doris,
She fell in love with a dash hound named Morris,
But, Morris did not care,
He had affair after affair,
Making Doris just part of his chorus.

BASIL AND HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW LIMERICK

The thing that old Basil feared the very most,
Was when his mother-in-law became a ghost,
She would not go away,
She stayed night and day,
She used his mistress’s body as a host.

THE MOTHER'S DAY LIMERICKS

By Leigh Collin Brandt

Behind the flowers in pots of clay,
Behind the smiles while children play,
There is no other,
Like your mother,
Give her praise on Mother's Day.

No matter what other's smirk and say,
It's mom's encouragement you'll obey,
She won't talk you down,
She'll turn round your frown,
Celebrate her on Mother's Day.

Though years have past and you've grown apart,
There's a day each year that you can re-start,
Just contact and say,
Happy Mother's Day,
Once said then the words heal your heart.

THE EQUESTRIAN QUESTION ABOUT SAMMY SUE

By Leigh Collin Brandt
There was a race pony named Sammy Sue,
Sammy Sue did not know what to do,
Was he a boy or,
Was she a girl,
How should his behind swag and unfurl?

Sammy Sue of course finished first,
This situation was the worst of worst,
Should this mare be placed with a bud?
Or, should this stallion be put out to stud?

THERE WAS A MAN NAMED PERKINS LIMERICK

There once was a man named Perkins,
He loved eating sour Gherkins,
He ate so many one night,
His lips puckered up tight,
It took days to fix his mouth work-ins.

A man named Perkins owned a pet store,
He sold little pigs, but nothing more,
He tried selling big hogs,
They were heavy like logs,

And that made his back mighty soar.