SUZIE THE SNAPPING TURTLE DID ME IN

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie,
She thought that she would pull a real doosey,
She bit a hole in my wood boat,
Then my boat would not float,
Drowning made me feel really oozey,

THE STORY OF TORTY THE PIG

Torty is a really simple pink pig,

So simple he failed algebra, calc and then trig,

So Torty quit school, 

Bought a small plastic pool,

And filled it with slop he could swig.

WOE CAUSED BY SNOW, NOW NO CASTLE TO KEEP

The roof on my home was felled by the snow,

The roof completely collapsed, so I had nowhere to go,

I could only weep,

I had no castle to keep,

And  winter nights are a cause of great woe. 

FLIES IN A JAR

For most flies have such little appeal,
Yet, I decided to keep flies in a jar with a seal,
They are comforting pets,
With their appendage sets,
Now, I promote them as pets with a zeal.

MICHIGANDERS LOVE COLD

In Michigan we love our cold,

We pass out hot cocoa to young and old,

And, when the snow gets real deep,

Beneath its cover we'll creep,

To seek food like leaf worms or green mold. 

PARNELL WENT TO WORK AND LOST HIS JOB

Parnell went to work and lost his job,
He worked in retail and looked like a slob,
His cloths did not fit,
He smelled just a bit,

And the register, Parnell liked to rob.

SHERMAN WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES, NOW HE IS A POP

Sherman was,a goody two shoes, every single day,

He never lied, never bad things he tried, he was goody all the way,

Then he went to band camp,

Where bad thoughts went up amp,

Now he has 30 children, and another pops today.

MY WALL STREET JOB IS IN THE TOILET

I decided to work on Wall Street,
To prepare I ate only raw meat,
At first I felt like a lion,
Then, I swore I was dyin',
Vomit paid for my exchange seat. 

SHELLY WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES

Shelly was a goody two shoes,
She would not smoke or touch the booze,
But, when she left Randy,
She ate too much candy,
Now, wherever she goes she must ooze.

No Flying Plane But I Had Pie

I flew an airplane but didn't get high,

I only got up two feet in the sky,

At least I did not crash,

And saved on jet fuel, like cash,

So instead of flight I'll just eat berry pie.

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

I make fried green tomatoes,
Sometimes with fried potatoes,
I slice them thick or thin,
Different tastes for different kin,

I dip them in the egg,
I dip them in the flour,
I turn on the stove,
I crank up the power,

When puffed up and golden browned,
That’s the best taste I have found,
There’s nothing better on Puget Sound,
Than fried green tomatoes all around.

THE CASE OF THE CRACK IN SPACE

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space,

My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case,

But, all was just fine,

I ordered a new one online,

It was delivered the next day, Ace! 

WENDEL ATE TOO MUCH WHOOPEE WEED

Wendel was a poisoned frog,
He ate too much whoopee weed,
He'd be fine if he just ate the stalks,
But, he also ate the seed,

No one knew how sick Wendel was,
Because his skin was always green,
They thought Wendel had just caught a buzz,
Until he coughed up half his spleen,

Wendel made it to a medic,
Now he is o.k.
He just had a three day headache,
Whoopee weed he avoids today.

BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL

Before I go to school I eat a pot pie,

Before I go to school I eat bagels of rye,

Before I go to school I eat an orange, make it die,

Before I go to school I eat anything that mom will fry,

Before I go to school I sup soup made of bean,

Before I go to school I brush my teeth clean,

Before I go to school I swab my ears, so obscene,

Before I go to school to my kin I talk mean,

Before I go to school my shoes I will tie,

Before I go to school I promise dad that I'll try,

Before I go to school I tease my brothers, they cry,

Before I go to school I tell everyone bye.

 

MY PARASITES RULE DAYS AND NIGHTS

I am full of parasites,

Micro ones and big ones with bites,

They burrow in,

Organs and skin,

Making irritating days, restless nights.

NOAH'S LITTLE DINNER PARTY WITH A FRIEND

Noah had a chicken,🍗

Noah had a fish,🍤

Noah had some taters,🍟

Noah made a salad dish,💐

Noah had a nice dinner,🍸🍽🍷🍹

Noah had a cute friend,👬

They both enjoyed the dinner,👨‍❤️‍👨

And got spunky at the end.🤔

PETER WEETER THE TWEETER

Peter Weeter was a Tweeter,
Tweeting he did very well,
Peter Weeter was no eater,
His bones bulged out, so you could tell,

Peter Weeter would not stop tweeting,
He’d rather starve to skin and bone,
Then Peter Weeter’s heart stopped beating,
But, no tweets in heaven, only a phone.

MR. WILLIAMS HAD A NOSE HAIR LIMERICK

Mr. Williams had a nasal hair,
It was a foot long so many people would stare,
He went to Nantucket,
To find a barber to cut it,
But, now his nose hair has become a nose pair.

I WISH I WAS A SLINKY

I wish I was a slinky, walking down the stairs,

If I were a slinky, I couldn't be ate by bears,

If I had a slinky life,

I'd grow old with my slinky wife,

And we'd leave the stairway to all our slinky heirs. 

BUY YOUR OWN SHOES

I was walking down the sidewalk and knocked over some paint,

This guy walks through it and happy he aint,

The guy shouts, "hey you!

You need to pay for two shoe,"

I shouts, "buy your own.  I'm no goody-two shoes saint."