I FOUND ME NO ICE

I went out ice fishing but, found me no ice,

I had a brisk swim and, I guess that was nice,

I dove deep for my gear,

I guess it's all here,

Next time I ice fish I'll think twice.

SCHNAPPS: BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

Having a glass of schnapps for breakfast is a bad idea,

All it does is muddle the brain and gives one diarrhea,

But, how to stand everyday,

When gloom and doom be they,

And, the only friend I have at home is my pet named Chia.

DINNER FROM A BOTTLE

I picked up some bottles to get something to eat,

I was hoping to get maybe some meat for a treat,

But, I didn't get much coin,

Settled for animal groin,

Next time, I hope to afford the feet.

THE END OF ALL THINGS

I see a little bird fluttering it's wings,

It lands upon a branch and then, it sings and sings,

Happy is the bird this day,

Unknown, it's future that's on the way,

Unseen, the hawk that nears and nears, will bring the end to things.

RAINBOW OVER THE GARDEN SHED

Just outback of the old homestead,                 

A rainbow flew over my garden shed,

It didn't last long,

But, I wrote it a song,

That rattles round and round in my head.

NO ROOM FOR THE POOL TABLE

I put a pool table in my bedroom but, it did not fit,

I moved the pool table to the bathroom but, then no one could sit,

My pool table didn't fit the den,

So, I had to move it once again,

I called the local haulers now, it's in the garbage pit.

A GARDEN WEED IN A SNOW STORM

On my poor little trailer it snowed and it snowed,
Until the roof caved in and the walls outward bowed,
Of course, the lights went out,
Rescue was really in doubt,
So, like a garden weed I knew I was hoed.

THE BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

Back to school is always rough,

It sounds easy on paper but, that's just fluff,

Buying cloths, kits and shoes,

Texting for wardrobe reviews,

By day one you've had enough.

TAXES AND GRIEVING

I paid in lots of income taxes but, none of it I will retrieve,

I hoped that maybe this time I would get a just reprieve,

But, instead I'll have to pay,

Or, all my stuff they'll take away,

And, if all my stuff they take away, in that future I will grieve.

THE ODD SCHOOL EDUCATION

I went to the odd school,

No desk or chair, we had a stool,

We never learned about sums,

Were taught reading was for bums,

The kids did nothing but, picked nose and drool.

REQUIEM FOR THE ORANGE

There once was a big old, orange critter,

He lost all his friends and became bitter,

He got thrown out of his house

With his kids and his spouse,

And, had his privileges cancelled by Twitter.

I WON'T UPSET THE PET BY WHAT I EAT

For my little goldfishy's sake,

I forgo eating all tuna stake,

He's comforted to see,

No fish ate by me,

He can't see the salmon in my bake.

THE DINER SERVED ME AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT

At the diner I ordered a turkey wing,

But, instead I got this UO thing,

It had beady eyes,

Was nibbling on my fries,

He said he was an alien on earth slumming.  

 

 *UO=Unidentified Object

THE PORTION WAS SO SMALL

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish for my suppy,

I paid $45.00. and they served me a guppy,

The fish portion was so small,

I gave the waiter a call,

He then, offered me an extra hush puppy.

SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR

Donny thought he was smarter than the average bear,

He broke into cabins and did not care,

Then, he found a loaded gun

Played with it just for fun,

Now, Donny is no longer here nor there.

THIS PIRATE NEEDS A TOILET

I am a jolly pirate but, I've never put to sea,🌬⛵⚓💀

I like life onboard a pirate ship but, there is no place to pee,🚻🚽💩

So, I stay on the shore,🌉

Wave bye bye to the pirate corp,🗡🔪

I hope one day there'll be toilets then, it's a pirates life for me.🏝🗺🍍🐳🦀

DONNY LIKED TO DO THE TREASON

Donny liked to do the treason,

To stay in power was his reason,

He used his foul moods,

To excite stupid dudes,

Who think pale skin is in season.

GREEN PICKLE SLUSHIE

I found some pickles lying out in the snow,

They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go,

When the pickles thawed, they were mushy,

So, I made pickle slushie,

Boy, having my stomach pumped cost me some doe.

Pardon My Finch

I have a little finch that really roars,

It's flatulent wind blows open oak doors,

And, my finch does not care,

That it pollutes everyone's air,

The smell gives me nose bleeding sores.

DONNY THE GOLDFISH SWIMS IN THE SEA

I had a goldfish named Donny T.

He was as belligerent as he could be,

So, I replaced Donny with Joe,

And, where did Donny go?

He swims in the toilet in the dark yellow sea.

A HOLE, A DUMP AND A VOWEL

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel,
All lived in the very same hole,
Then, along came a bear,
Who sat down on their lair,
And, took a dump and the hole space he stole.

POWDERED CHICKEN NUGGETS

I ate some chicken powdered nuggets,

They were frightful I must say,

In fact, I don't see why such a recipie,

Was ever shown the light of day,

I bought them at a deep-fat fried store,

They were so cheap I had to buy more and more,

But, there is one thing that gives my taste buds some peace,

The nuggets aren't bad heavily salted and dripping with grease.

THE DAY OF SEDITION

I went into the parlor to listen to some Bach,

I then ordered dinner when, I noticed the tic-tok,

The TV talked sedition,

As I consumed my noon nutrition,

After I was done eating, I went online and sold my stock.

NEW MOON ON FIRST OF JUNE WARNING

Never start the month of June,
When you start with a new moon,
Change the calander right away,
You had best move the day,
Or bad things will happen real soon.

SOMEONE WAS MAKING LOVE IN MY OUTHOUSE

Someone was making love in my outhouse,

Don't know who it was cause I wasn't there,

Could of been a weasle, could have been a skunk,

Then again, it could of been a bear,

Someone was making love in my outhouse,

I know cause the gossip's all around,

Don't know who just started all the rumors,

Got a hunch it might be that old bluetick hound,

Guess I'll have to ask my next door neighbor,

Maybe I'll ask my darling wifey too,

They're always out fixing up the outhouse,

I guess their painting the interior blue.

ZOMBIES COMING

When I saw the zombies coming,

Then, my heart began drumming,

There were so many I quit summing,

And, all I heard was corpses humming,

I knew it was a zombie day,

Most days are in the month of May,

I led the zombies into a pool of clay,

They got stuck so, that's where they'll stay,

I wouldn't be surprised come June,

If the zombies died out by the first full moon,

The full moon in June can't come too soon,

Then, I'll write a zombie poem and zombie tune.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOBERS GONE?

Where have all the peanuts gone?

There's none to shuck when the night bleeds dawn,

There are none in a jar,

Or, under the seats of my car,

Did someone trade raising goobers for green lawn?

My Pandemic Struggles

The pandemic took me from riches to rags

I was cran-coloring pictures on crayon colored on bags,

And, my love ran off with some bloke,

Took my hard candy and Coke,

Now, I'm just tweeting all day with hashtags. 

HEALTHY EATS

Better eat your spinach and better eat your peas,

So, you don't come down with a pandemic disease,

Better eat your eggs and cheese,

So, you don't puke and wheeze,

But, eating beans makes a stinky breeze.

UNCLE RUSSEL HAD A CAT

Uncle Russel had a cat,
The cat ate oatmeal from a hat,
The cat liked to share,
With his best friend Bear,
And, Bear was just a sewer rat.

DECISION REGARDING STUCK

In my driveway of ice and clay,

My little car got stuck today,🚙

I have no road service so, there it stay,

At least until the month of May,

That's when the ice will melt away,

And, the ground firms and tires obey,

Backup, go forward, either is o.k.,🔄

But, I don't like the long delay,

I might want to travel, who can say?

I've decided right now, out of pocket I'll pay.💰💰💰💰💰

I LOST MY ELECTION LIMERICK

I lost my election to be mayor of the vill,

If I hadn't voted my vote total would be nill,

Now, I've known my family all my life,

But, they back-stabbed me like my wife, 

I think they voted for my opponent for the thrill.

THE SPOOKY UNIVERSE AND ME

I knew a physics professor a long time ago,

He stuck an idea in my head that has started to glow,

He said the universe acted all spooky,

So, I thought then, he was kooky,

But, at a distance I observed now, I know.

THE BAD BEES

I am the killer of many bad bees,

When they bite on the backside of my knobby knees,

They rip flesh by the inch,

So, I give them a pinch,

And, they bite harder as I give them a squeeze.

 

DONNY RUE

You would think that Donny would forever rue,

Everything that he did, done, do,

But, his universe is alt,

He gives others the fault,

So, to bring reality to Donny, you sue.

MY PLACE IN THE CHICKEN WORLD

I built my chickens a chicken koop,

It was a place to eat, a place to poop,

And, beneath their legs,

They'd lay those eggs,

My reward for the chicken life loop.

JANUARY TWO: SNOWMOBILE

It's January Two and the sun ain't yet shinning,

I fed some peanuts to the squirrels so, the squirrels are all dining,

Now, I'll race from shore to shore,

And, for my snowmobile encore,

I'll keep racing on the lake till, the ice sheet starts declining.

IT'S JANUARY AND I AM A BEAR LIMERICK

It is now January "09",
The full moon looks like blood wine,
I really don't care,
Because I am a bear,
I going to sleep and feeling just fine.