PET PIG BACON AND SAGE SPRIG SAUSAGE LIMERICK

Gretta had a pot bellied pig,

Dan's peanuts it decided to dig,

Because Dan's food had been taken,

Dan made the pig into bacon,

And, some sausage with a leafy sage sprig.

I CHEF

My sweet & sour chicken was more salty than sweet,

But, it was so very sour that one would wince when one would eat, 

And, so clammy was my clam chowder,

Made so with excessive baking powder,

Of course, my cheese stuffed mushrooms were compared to smelly feet.

TUCKER GOT A COVID SHOT TO HELP HIM PLAY B-BALL

On the b-ball court Tucker was truly, not tall,

Then, he got a shot and big went his ball,

But, his coordinates were poor,

His ball flew out the door,

And, went bouncing to the end of the hall.

NAUGHTY, NASTY CARP

There once was an angry carp,

He wrote profanities on my boat tarp,

And, when I asked him to stop, please,

He drew naked pictures; what a sleaze,

Then he sang dirty ditties as he played his harp.

DOUGLAS HAD AN OLD VCR

Douglas had an old VCR,
But, he couldn't find anything to play in it,
They no longer put movies on those old wind up tapes,
Instead, they use DVD’s and just spin it.

GRANDMA SUE

There was a grandma named Sue,
She loved to dress-up in blue,
Her hair was bright red,
And, she was well fed,
Sue was kind to all that she knew.

Sue was a grandma who worked really hard,
She kept her house clean and fixed up her yard,
When the kids came around,
She'd get down on the ground,
She was fun and oh what a card.

I DREAM OF QUEENIE

I dream of Queenie, my little pup when I was four,

She'd eat a plate of tortellini then, go poopy outside the door,

Queenie ate little as a small pup,

But, she got big and ate a big sup,

So, dad the meany said no more Queenie and gave away my labrador.

WHAT LIES WITH THE LEECH?

I am such a dedicated teach,

I took my laptop and my work to the beach,

Then, the tide came straight in,

And, my laptop could not swim,

Now, it lies in the lake with the leech.

MY LIMERICKS HAVE BEEN BANNED

I wrote a limerick in the beach's pretty sand,

It didn't sound too good cause the limerick was not planned,

Then, the waves from the sea,

Erased the limerick wrote by me,

I guess on the beach my limericks must be banned.

NATASHA THE SUNFISH AND HER CELLPHONE

Natasha the sunfish was on her cellphone all day,
Yet, the cellphone din't work when deep in the bay,
 But, way up on the beach,
The cell signal did reach,
So, on the beach Natasha decided to stay.

THE FISH FURNITURE POEM

I make furniture from fish I catch out in the bay,

I make fish into end tables for my dollhouse made of clay,

I make fish into sofas, 

I make fish into chairs,

I make fish into bedroom sets,

For my dollhouse's upstairs,

If you're asking how I do it then, imagination you must lack,

I use some glue and scissors and lots of fast drying shellac.

DING DING AND THE SUPER STRING THEORY OF EVERYTHING

I thought I'd test out a string theory,

But, I have no super collider to aid my querry,

So, I got me some string,

From my kitty, Ding Ding,

My methods make my peers rather weary.

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a coke.

MY POLYMERS AND ME

I have polymers in my curtains,

I have polymers in my cloths,

I have polymers in my automobile,

And, doctors force polymers up my nose,

I have polymers in my dishes,

I have polymers where I eat,

I use polymers to clean my fishes,

I have polymers on my feet,

I think polymers came from a spacecraft,

From deep, dark outer space,

For on some polymer planet,

There lives a polymer race,

So, I think we've been invaded,

By polymer people from afar,

They seek conformity to the polymers,

Around every fusion driven star.

THE ITCHY BED BUGS

I laid on my bed and started to itch,
The bugs in it started to crawl and to twitch,
I got out some spray,
To drive them away,
Alas, the bed I had to burn in the ditch.

TAX THE POOR GUY (ME) LIMERICK

My taxes can never be paid,
So, I expect a government raid,
I don't have any money,
Just a bear jar full of honey,
And, a quilt that was one that I made.

BLINK

I had a rat living under my sink,

He ate bleach, he died, now he stink,

So I sprayed some air spray,

And the stink went away,

But the spray burned my eyes, blink, blink, blink.😣

BUBBLE WRAP WENT

The little bubble wrap went Snap! Snap! Snap!

The big bubble wrap went Bap! Bap! Bap!

The paper filler went Rip! Rip!

Out fell the packing slip,

And Ben saw that he was shorted, so he went and took a crap.

UNHEALTHY LIVING LIMERICK II

Jean ate pancakes all soaking with grease,
Although, she knew that she'd soon "Rest In Peace,"
She still scooped-up the lard,
And, ignored the health bard,
For life is always just a tenuous lease.

THE BAD, BAD SQUIRRELS

The squirrels ate all the snow monkeys now, the snow monkeys are gone,

They use to sing in harmony at the first frilled lights of dawn,

Now, there are just the squirrels to scream and mutter,

As they make their acorn butter,

And, they gnaw on nearby roadkill which, was just a little fawn.