MY ZOMBIE GIRL

I love my zombie girl so much
I know I must be mad,
But, when my zombie girl is out of touch,
My heart just feels so sad.

I love my zombie girl so much,
I know she does real bad,
But, I love my zombie girl so much,
When I’m with her I am so glad.

I love my zombie girl I do,
I love her if its day or night,
I love my zombie girl I do,
Even when she goes out for a bite,

I love my zombie girl’s big heart,
Even though it does not beat at all,
I understood from the very start,
Eating brains is just nature’s call.

My zombie girl and I are in love,
It won’t be long until we are wed,
Blessed by hell or by heaven above,
We’re the family of the living dead.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

PETER PIG WAS TAINTED, AND PORCELAIN BOWLS GOT PAINTED

Peter Pig was ground into sample sausages, down the street at Vinny's Store,

The customers sampled Peter Pig, until Peter was no more,

The samples caused symptoms like the flu,

Vinny's customers threatened to sue,

Most had underwear accidents, before making it out the door.

SIMON WAS A GIANT CRAWDAD

Simon was a giant crawdad,
He ate dead fish and smelled real bad,
He brushed twice a day,
And used mouthwash they say,
He still had no friends and felt sad.

THE FAVORITE FOOD OF DRAGONS

The favorite food of dragons,

Is takeout food that is real dear,

For the food comes from a magic kingdom,

The food is called a mouseketeer.

RUTH THE TOOTHLESS AND SMELLY BEAVER

There once was a beaver named Ruth,
She did not have even one tooth,
With a sharp ax and a breeze,
She knocked down the trees,
She was fastest and that's the truth.

Ruth the beaver was so full of bad gas,
Everyone ran when she started to pass,
You couldn't help to think,
She made a big stink,
Then, she laughed showing she had no class.

BILL RAISES HIS OWN FISHING BAIT LIMERICK AND POEM

Bill found worms between all of his toes,
How they got there nobody knows,
Bill takes a hot shower,
Once each year for an hour,
Then, he trims the hairs hanging down from his nose.

Bill sighted worms down between all of his toes,
He saved them for bait when fishing he goes,
He liked to raise larvae within his large nose,
He'll have plenty of bait when fishing he goes.

BUGZY BERNARD MOWED HIS LAWN

Bugzy Bernard mowed his entire lawn,
He mowed till all the dandelions were gone,
He made dandelion wine,
It tasted just fine,
But, he had a bellyache from supper till dawn.

GREENING UP THE GRASS LIMERICK

I just love to green up my grass,
I won't let an opportunity pass,
So, I doubled up on the fert,
Burned my lawn down to dirt,
Now my yard looks lacking in class.

MY NUBS AND THE THREE BEARS

Along came two cutie bear cubs,

They were so cute I gave them intense belly rubs,

Then along came their maw,

She gave me her claw,

The three bears chewed me down to my nubs. 

BEARS

Bears are coming out of their hibernation,

Looking for tourists with a Michigan destination,

And those bears like to eat,

All the fresh tourist meat,

Chugging swamp water for their libation.

I CAME UPON A FOREST FROG

I came upon a green forest frog,
He barked just like a domestic dog,
He had a bad habit,
He liked to hunt rabbit,
When they bit him he ran under a log.

George the frog would hunt for bunny,
He wanted to get one and make some money,
He hunted with a gun,
But, it was no fun,
George decided to hunt bees for their honey.

MY PLACE ON MARS

I got many scars while I was on mars because, I got into a brawl,

I got my scars while hoping bars with a Martian ten feet tall,

We were best pals til we met some gals then, the bartender yelled "last call,"

Then, the martian suddenly beat me until I could no longer creep or crawl,

I really like my martian friend but, I wish he would grow up,

I think I'll stay in my room for now, watching cable while I sup. 

 

REALITY, REALITY, REALITY

We spend all our lives growing big meat bags,

To feed worms and microbes in the earth,

That is nature's only need for us,

So why do we act like we should be a fuss?

We so overestimate our true worth.

IF YOU WANT TO GO FISHING THERE IS NO GAIN WITHOUT PAIN

If you want to go fishing there is no gain without pain,
To get the big worms you must go out in the rain,
So, in the rain I took hikes,
Survived two lightning strikes,
But, the second strike cooked half of my brain.

THERE WAS AN OILMAN NAMED SCOOTER

There was an oilman named Scooter,
He was just the biggest polluter,
He dumped oil in the sea,
To make it life free,
And, he raised prices for the commuter.

I WENT TO THE BANK TO DRAW OUT SOME MONEY

I went to the bank to draw out some money,
An elderly lady cashier said, "You can't have it now, honey,
For the bank is deep in arrears,
And, the owners took off it appears,
They retired, those sweet dears,

No doubt living someplace sunny."

Oh Crap, A Dirt Nap

Pining for a new companion,

Overseas I took a fly,

Rammed a mountain; fell into a canyon,

No one but I, didn't burn and die,

Hugs I had upon my rescue,

Universal healthcare had not I,

Beneath the dirt I now feed red fescue,

Rules:  I had no healthcare so, I die.

BEEF ROAST WITH SQUIRMING RICE

My beef roast was loaded with squirming rice with eyes,

Finding rice in my roast was quite a surprise,

I queried how they got there?

And, the answer grayed my black hair,

It seems they were laid there by swarming black flies.  

WEED AND BOOKS LOST BECAUSE OF LOOKS

Because he did not like my looks,

Florida's Gov. took away my books,

He confiscated my weed,

I have nothing to read,

The Gov. and his lackeys are snooks .