DINNER 2+ AND MOO

It might be enough for you,

But I like to eat dinner, two,

And most time I eat three,

The fourth, in front of TV,

Then I nightcap with warm milk from a moo. 

I WOKE UP WITH THE HEAD OF FRANKENSTEIN

I thought I looked really fine,
Until I woke up as Frankenstein,
The scientist was insane,
Who implanted my brain,
And stitched together this monster with twine.

SNOW AND ONIONS

My truck is stuck in 4 feet of snow,

But, I have 400 feet to go,

So, I followed a rabbit right down his hole,

Which he shared with two bears and a troll,

 They fried me with onions with coals all aglow.

SOUP ON THE STOOP

I sit out on my stoop,

Eating four leg soup,

I take my pills,

Blow out my gills,

And, do the hula hoop.

MY GERBIL DOES NOT GERB NO MORE

My gerbil does not gerb no more,
He passed away on his gerbil cage floor,
I had him 31 days,
I even built him a maze,
And, 30 days is return policy at the store. .

THE RAVE SCOUT AND THE BEAR

I had a real bad scare,

When I was eaten by that bear,

He ate me arms, he ate me legs,

For those appendages, I now need pegs,

On that night that I would rue,

I was in the green forest, sky dark blue,

I was scouting for a place to rave,

When I came upon a big bear cave,

I was a rave scout, it paid the bills,

If I could provide the ravers thrills,

I figured the bear would provide great stills,

And, more excitement if there were kills, 

I thought that first I should explore,

It would be easy, there was no door

Methinks myself a cunning knave,

When I sneaked up on that big bear cave,  

Then, the bear came out with a pleasant smile,

So, we both stood grinning for a while,

Alas, he did smite me with his claws,

And, ripped off my limbs with his drooling jaws,

Finally, he left me with my stumps,

Lurking into the forest with grumbles and grumps,

And, as I lied there awaiting death,

I thought boy, that bear had real bad breath.  

VALENTINE'S DAY + BUGS = NO SMOOCHING

Ray wanted to smooch with his girlfriend Mandy,

So, on Valentine's Day he gave his girlfriend candy,

The candy was all full of bugs,

Of course no kisses or hugs,

Instead, his ex-girlfriend is smooching with Andy.
 

CHEWY CHEWY CLANG CLANG

The months in Michigan before May,

I charge my battery all day,

Between the mice and the rats,

The skunks and the bats,

My wires are chewed to a fray. 

CAPITALISM, CANNIBALISM, AND THE HIGH PRICE OF EGGS

I went to a robin, and I had to beg,

My muffin mix, required an egg,

My small paycheck reward,

Means no groceries I've stored,

I've ate the wife, the kids and Aunt Meg.

I HAVE TOO MANY MEAN VALENTINES

How do you know if you have too many valentines?

When together they confront you, that's one of the signs,

And, when you have poison in your belly

From your eggs, toast and jelly,

Then, they bury you out back in the pines.

TITUS THE TERRIBLE WAS A MAN IN THE PAST

Because Titus was one of the old boys,

He still loved ticker tape and tinker toys,

No modern stuff,

Titus was tough,

He ate red meat and never soys.

I BUILT A MONSTER

I built me a monster out of body parts and old souls,

I wanted a friend, but it had other goals,

It conquered the earth,

Which hurt my net worth,

And it used it's strength to rip me new holes.

THE ADVENTURES OF NANCY DEBBIE TEW

Nancy Debbie Tew,

Climbed trees that had a view,

She scraped her knee,

And swallowed a bee,

The tree manufacturer, she sue.

THE BEAVER, PANSY AND FRIENDS

Pansy was a beaver, and she dove for fish all day,

Nancy had a clever, and cleaned fish down by the bay,

Pansy sold Nancy fresh fish,

Chef Helen bought the fish for a dish,

They all loved their work, though the profits were only o.k.

MY GOLDFISH PLAYS DEAD

My goldfish is good at playing dead,
He's done it for the past two weeks,
He can even make a dead goldfish smell,
For his fishbowl really wreaks,

My goldfish is so clever,
At playing that he is no more,
He can float on his back forever,
But, his actions start to bore,

I've had it with my goldfish,
I won't give him anymore food,
Until he starts to swim around,
And, entertain this dude.

MY JACK CAME LOOSE

I rotated my tires and you want to know what?

My jack came loose and I got pinned cross the gut,

Although I felt massive pain,

I kept steady my brain,

And, did not lose a single lug nut.

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But when he’d blow air, out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So the band leader gave Bob the boot.

VAMPIRE POETRY

Out  in the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heavan or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengence is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

I INVENTED THE INTERNET OR, WAS THAT SOMEONE ELSE?

Everyone wants a claim to fame,

As long as it's good and not some kind of shame,

Did the internet I invent,

Or, do I just pay for its rent,

And, when it goes down will I get the blame?

GNOMES STEAL MY PASTRIES AND DRINK MY BEER

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters,
They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters,
Gnomes, invade my home everyday,
Upon my sweet pastries they prey,
Then, they wash them down with my very best bitters.