THE FAILED FORTE

Larry played a sonata on his big pianoforte,

Some thought it real funny, when Larry picked at his nose warty,

The loud laughter, it prevailed,

Larry's performance, well it failed,

Larry couldn't keep playing, so his performance he aborty.

THE ALIENS AND THE FRENCH FRY

I saw four circles hovering way, way up in the sky,

I knew they were aliens when they let their heat beams fly,

Bad for me I'm a real looser,

And, therefor not much of a chooser,

I chose to stand there until I became a french fry.  

CARS AND THE GLOW SNAKE

There was a slithering orange snake in the snow,

He slithered out onto the highway to glow,

When they saw the snow snake,

Each  car hit the brake,

Then sliding off the highway they'd go.

THE GREAT BRATWURST FIRE

I ran out the door because I was not brave,

When my bratwurst caught fire in my microwave,

I blamed it on a mouse,

Chewing wires in the house,

But, the evidence and the house couldn't be saved. 

BEN RAN-Limericks

Ben ran over a sharp wire,
It punctured right through his tire,
In just a little bit,
The wire the lightning hit,
That caused a massive car fire.

Ben hit a tree with his van,
It buckled up like a can,
Ben said he didn't care,
Then along came a bear,
Then on down the highway Ben ran.

BARN CATS NOT WELCOMED AT THE HOUSE

My barn has several stray cats,

They feed on mice and dead bats,

I let them cats be,

Feed them no biscuits and tea,

Or, they'll want to stay where I hang my hats.

WHEN THE LAVA CAME FOR ME

I have a volcanic eruption in my yard, 

It's burns my tomato plants, and fries my Swiss chard,

Oh, oh, no, woe is me,

I'm drinking lava tea,

My gut will surely ache, when the lava cools hard.

THE FLYING SAUCER LANDED IN MY YARD SAGA POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very quaint place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

WHEN IS A WINNER NOT A WINNER?

Jenny won an automatic toaster,

Jim won a new oven-roaster,

Jeffy won a coat,

Jamie won a boat,

All I won was a stained paper coaster. 

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

HENRY AND THE NEW MOON

Henry was a baboon,
He just loved most of all the new moon,
His girlfriend Nancy,
For Hank had a fancy,
They would sit in their tree and just spoon.

I GOT A POINSETTIA FOR EASTER THIS YEAR

I got a poinsettia for Easter this year,

It was made out of plastic and smelled like reindeer,

I stuck it in clay,

And, then walked away,

When I see it my eye builds a tear.

JINGLE BELL BERT AND THE RED RIDING HOODS

There was a bear waiting in the darkening woods,

He was waiting to steal my dried and caned up goods,

So I got my jingle bell named Bert,

I rang Bert until the bear's ears hurt,

The frightened bear then coughed up, six red riding hoods.

NOT A NICE BOSS

I am feeling extremely irked,

For one of my limericks I wrote was jerked,

I went to my boss,

He said he gave it a toss,

Because he was the boss and that's how it worked.

A BAN ON LIMERICKS

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.

LESTER THE GOOSE

Lester the goose was extremely proud,
He had no talent except, he was loud,
The problem is,
That when doing show biz,
Lester was not smart nor, was he well endowed.

WET SNOWMAN LIMERICK

My snowman was the best yet,

But then it rained and he got wet,

Then he turned to ice,

Which is kind of nice,

Now he never itches since he froze his head lice.

ODE TO JENNIFER THE WAITRESS LIMERICK

At days end Jennifer liked to shower,
She enjoyed the freedom to self-scour,
She was a waitress all day,
She worked hard for low pay,
The hot water let Jennifer feel power.

MY BLACK FRIDAY BULK BUYING DEAL

I bought 10 cases of tuna on a Black Friday deal,

That's 120 meals, eating one can for each meal,

So, this winter I'll feast,

Eating cans of sea beast,

While others make due eating veal.

It's Christmas, And There Ain't No Pleasing My Kid

I went out and found a Christmas tree,

It stood straight and tall, at 6'3"

I sawed it down,

Hauled it back to town,

My kid, she insisted I set it free.