ZOMBIE CAREER ADVICE FOR DUMMIES VOLUME I

If you want to be a Zombie, you see a dentist first,

Without two good rows of teeth, your Zombie career is burst,

Your teeth must bite, tear and rip,

Even though the blood might drip,

Remember to eat those moist, tender brains, they will quench your thirst.

MY PET DINOSAUR V

I know it sounds incredibly weird,

My family and pets have disappeared,

Except my pet dinosaur,

Because she loves me more,

She comforts me when my eyes have both teared. 

PET DINOSAUR FOUR

I took my big pet dinosaur down to the zoo,

That was her most favorite place she ever went to,

There was much screaming, no words,

As she thinned out the herds,

The police said that was illegal, who knew?

MY GREAT BIG DINOSAUR

I bought a great big dinosaur and put him in my pond,

He ate all my goldfish; I had hoped the species would bond,

Then he peed in my pond water,

That quickly killed my water otter,

Dinos don't make good pets, I told the pet store I felt conned.

ON TIGERS, PANTS, AND GINGER

Benny got ginger on his pants,

The favorite food of tiger ants,

Poor Benny, my mate,

Got completely ate,

That's why, on Twitter, I rants.

THE INSATIABLE COUGAR LIMERICK

A cougar kept scratching at my door,

I fed him the kids, but he wanted more,

So I let him into my house,

He scarfed down my spouse,

Then he bit off my head, I feel sore. 

WOLVES AREN'T BAD, BUT THEIR TEETH MAKE ME SAD

The big bad wolf chased me across the football field,

He wanted to catch, and eat me, but I wouldn't yield,

I knew he would soon start to eat,

When I felt his breath on my feet,

Then his teeth pierced my throat, and so my fate was sealed.

THE DINOSAUR SCARED THE MONKEYS

When giant dinosaurs roamed around,

You could feel their big feet pound the ground,

When they let out their roar,

Monkey poop hit the floor,

It was a scary, ear hurting sound.

MEAT, THE IN-LAWS

Henry had a wolverine, he raised it from a small pup,

Now Henry cannot feed the critters 24 hour sup,

So I took the critter off Henry's hands,

Set it free on my northern lands,

I told my in-laws they could camp for free, if they should come up.

WASPS DON'T THINK SIN, WHEN THEIR PEELING SKIN

Giant wasps are on their way, to peel away our human skins,

Each wasp delights in our screams, while they make those bug face grins,

Big shots say the bugs will freeze,

It don't help us, that hope filled tease,

I think we should be setting traps; maybe use some tuna tins..

TASTY AND CARNIVOROUS, MY MAGIC MUSHROOM FIND

I held a mushroom near my face, and he bit me on the cheek,

I decided that a mushroom with teeth, was a nature freak,

But as he chewed on my cheek skin,

I fried him with eggs for my din,

The toothy mushroom tasted so good, more I'm going to seek.

THE NUT HOARDER

There once was this squirrel, his name was Russel,

He worked really hard, that squirrel could hustle,

He hoarded nuts in nut season,

Building wealth was his reason,

But he lost his nuts to a bear in a tussle.

THE COUGAR LIKED HER S'MORES

Katy was a mountain lion, who really loved to eat,

She only snacked on campers, because campers are so sweet,

Katy would eat the campers down to their cores,

For campers taste like stacks of s'mores,

Katy left plenty for her baby lions, so they could get a treat.

I WENT EXTINCT FEEDING A BEAR

My species went extinct today,

Now I have no one with whom to play,

I found a bear,

But he didn't care,

He ate and swallowed me anyway.

HOW DICK AND SALLY EAT

Sally was an herbivore,
She ate bark and twigs and leaves,
She tried eating a wild boar,
That gave her stomach heaves,

Her boyfriend Dick really loved to eat,
He ate until his belly was soar,
But, Dick ate no plant food, he only ate meat,
Dick was a raging carnivore,

When Dick and Sally had a son,
Both of their feelings were slightly tore,
They were glad their child was having fun,
But, he was a voracious omnivore.

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because now that my dog is gone,
The cougar is eating me.  

MAN EATERS

If you do not fastly swim,

Then your chances are near grim,

For in Michigan waters,

Live man eater otters,

Best chance is if you're fast and you're slim.

TEA AND SEA HORSEY

Living 22 meters below the sea,

There was a cute, little sea horsey,

It was a sea horse park,

Except for the shark,

Who ate the sea horsey as a snack, at tea.

BUG BITES AND THE DISAPPEARED

The bugs in the basement are on the crawl,

Soon to be upstairs in the little potty stall,

Then they sneak into the bed,

Bitting from toes to the head,

Biting and biting, until there's no body left at all.