I JARTED THE ZOMBIES

The zombies were coming and I was alone in my shack,

I had nothing to fight off a great zombie attack,

I looked under my bug filled cot,

I found the lawn jarts I'd forgot,

I killed the zombies then made my evac.

THE VOLE POACHER

I took off to Canada across Lake Superior ice,

I came to open water and had to rethink my plan thrice,

I'm hunted by a G-man because I hunted voles to eat,

I barely got the voles half fried when, through the front door comes the heat,

I ran out the back door with dogs chasing after me,

Unfortunately, they were my dogs barking my locality,

I could just see frozen Lake Superior when I felt hot lead graze my thigh,

My bag of chaw was shot down and I ask Dear Lord, why oh, why? 

So, I came to open water and it looked like a cold, cold swim, 

And, even if I made it I'd have no chaw at the Canadian rim,

I've spent many years in prison pondering the error of eating voles for din,

I wish I had made it to Canada where eating voles isn't considered a sin. 

UNICORN HORN

I've been eating dear meat since I was Born,🍔

Today I got hankering for the Unicorn,🦄

I went unicorn hunting,🏹

Found a big one was grunting,👀

He horned me through the heart, now I'm torn.💔😵

FALL SNOW

As fall begins to go,

Along comes the snow,

First pretty, and then a foe,

Then in inches it starts to grow,

Snowblower man takes all my doe.

HENRY'S RUN

Henry ate tainted pork, then said he couldn't stay,

So he ran to the toilet which was two blocks away,

He ran into a nun,

That ended his run,

Henry now smelled of poor hygiene, so the nun made him pray.

PUS ON MY BAGEL, NO THANKS

My bagel had no cream cheese, so I put up a fuss,

The diner said they had no cream cheese, because it turned to pus,

I felt a shame,

Putting the diner to blame,

Then I went back driving, the town local passenger bus. 

IN MY TURKEY DINNER DREAM

In my turkey dinner dream,

There was never sour cream,

Like ships in the navy,

Taters floated in gravy,

I will resist your cream scheme.

WE FRY GREENS

I went and picked a bunch of greens,

I fried them crisp with grease and beans,

My family's fat,

My dog and cat,

We eat well, and will never be leans.

MY MASTODON HAD A RUNNY NOSE

My mastodon had a runny nose,

It had pressure like an in use fire hose,

The pressure knocked me head over heel,

It made my skin peal,

So, I capped the nose with reinforced pantie hose.

   

I BECAME A SOCIAL WEATHERMAN

I joined a club to be with birds of a feather,

Didn't realize that club studied bad weather,

In the tornadoes and rain,

I ached with arthritis pain,

Would have blown away, without my tether. 

CAN'T GET VOTES, SO I HERD GOATS

On election day, I got no votes,

They didn't register, when tabulating the totes,

So I'll swallow my pride,

Go somewhere and hide,

And spend the next four years herding goats.

THE BITTER SPITTER BIRD

I had a bird that would tweet and twitter,

Then he ate something really bitter,

Now he don't tweet,

Hard to coax him to eat,

He is silent, but now he's a spitter.

GINGER, GINGER, GINGER IS THE STUFF

I wear ginger on my head,

I like ginger in my bread,

And whatever the fame,

Ginger is a good name,

If eat a little you'll feel well fed.

EMBEZZLEMENT SHOT THE SHERIFF JOB DOWN

I'm running for sheriff and I think I already lost,

I got arrested seven times and I'm sure that'll cost,

As an accountant I get no thanks,

I've been embezzling banks,

My trial starts in spring and will end before last frost.

WHAT DREAD, IT'S GOING TO BE MONDAY SOON

Every single Sunday,

I dread the next day, called Monday,

I can't sit home,

Relax my dome,

Watching TV wearing just my undie.

HAPPY GUY FAWKES DAY, UNLESS YOU'RE MADAM POLLY

Today I took a walk with my ugliest big dolly,

I got her at age two, and named her Madam Polly,

I took her to the glen,

With her doll friends Mike and Ben,

It was November five, Polly paid for Guy's big folly.

I RESPECT THE COWS

I love cows because from them comes cheese,🧀💓

Cows make my milk and scent my breeze,🍶💩👃

Ode to the farm,🐖🐎🦃🐔🐓😳

May the cows know no harm,🐮

Except for the hind quarter, I freeze.🐄🍔

THE CHEESECAKE LIMERICK

As I was smoking on my fresh bought greens,

I decided to open some canned beans,

And found in them a snake,

Eating caramel cheesecake,

I had none, cause that's not where my diet leans.

MIKE THE TURKEY WILL BE EATEN

Mike the turkey went to higher ground,

Where he thought his safety sound,

But hunter Pete,

Wanted turkey meat,

And got poor Mike with just one round.

MY GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I was born having great expectations,

Alas, they stayed only aspirations,

For when I grew up,

It took all my coin just to sup,

In mom's basement, smoking my medications.