I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOTHING

I'm the only one I know that does not have a quantum physics degree,

All that fancy math and stuff are just too much for me,

I don't even understand, the signal that gets boxed in my tv,

Can't comprehend why in algebra, they use the letters x, y and z,

And the biggest mystery of all; why do English Folk drink tea.

SANTA WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Elves make a tasty, magic beer,

That Santa over intakes, I fear,

He slammed a mountain, with his sleigh,

Broke all the new toys, made that day,

Now, Santa is missing, oh dear.

ODE TO THE BOVINE

It was a nice and sunny day,

So I went outside to play,

Found some cows and gave them hay,

They said, "get lost...", and I obey,

At night, inside the house I stay,

LOOK AT WHAT THE OLD WITCH DID

There was an old witch who lived up on the hill,

Every fall, all the pretty flowers they'd kill,

Then when the plants were all bare,

Cold came in the air,

And, blankets of snow were laid down everywhere.

SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows and I caught them for bait. 

SHARE BUNS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ANY

He set his bun upon his left knee,

Upon his right, he set his tea,

From his left jacket pocket, he pulled some ham,

From his right pocket, he pulled a spoon, jar and jam,

He made a jam, ham, bun sandwich, he didn't share with me,

Last time I invite that guy over for tea.

THE SAGA OF BEEP

My name is Beep,🐒

I like to sleep,💤

I don't think to deep,💩

No pressure I keep,🍩🍨

My brother's a creep,🐍

My sister's a peep,🐣

I go to school driving my old man's Jeep.🚙

SPACECRAFT DISASSEMBLY, AND A BABOON IS LOST IN SPACE🚀

My spaceship disassembled as I journeyed toward the moon,

They launched it in bad weather, and probably way too soon,

It rattled really bad, 

While still on the launch pad,

Humans won't feel bad for me, I'm just a creature called, Baboon. 

 

MAY DAY

I went to the tavern called Sea & Sun, and there was a drinking fairy,

It was on May the 1st, so I thought a drunk fairy, scary,

But ho-hum, he weren't no bum,

Bought a round of drinks for those that come,

That eased chicken fears of the dark hatch, when the dead would self un-bury. 

THE RAVE SCOUT AND THE BEAR

I had a real bad scare,

When I was eaten by that bear,

He ate me arms, he ate me legs,

For those appendages, I now need pegs,

On that night that I would rue,

I was in the green forest, sky dark blue,

I was scouting for a place to rave,

When I came upon a big bear cave,

I was a rave scout, it paid the bills,

If I could provide the ravers thrills,

I figured the bear would provide great stills,

And, more excitement if there were kills, 

I thought that first I should explore,

It would be easy, there was no door

Methinks myself a cunning knave,

When I sneaked up on that big bear cave,  

Then, the bear came out with a pleasant smile,

So, we both stood grinning for a while,

Alas, he did smite me with his claws,

And, ripped off my limbs with his drooling jaws,

Finally, he left me with my stumps,

Lurking into the forest with grumbles and grumps,

And, as I lied there awaiting death,

I thought boy, that bear had real bad breath.  

END OF YEAR AIR TRAFFIC BOOHOO

It's the end for 2022,

Boohoo, boohoo,

No use to fret and stew,

Not much one can do,

But figure out which airlines, that we need to sue.

SIDE AFFECTS WHEN MAKING MOUTH MASH FOR CASH

There was a little angel, sitting on my toe,

He was scratching his back, on the toenail I let grow,

There was a little devil, sitting on my knee

He whacked my knee with his hatchet, and boy did that hurt me,

And, on my belly sat the prettiest unicorn,

He stabbed my belly deep with his twisted, sharpened horn,

Then in my mouth there was the devil fermenting mash,

He said he'd make it up to me, when he bootlegged his whiskey for some cash.

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

WHERE THINGS GO

Where does all the sewage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the many algae, so more algae they can be,

Where does all the garbage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the little fishes so one day those fish feed me,

Where do all the toxic chemicals go?

They flow into the sea, and kill all the creatures of planet earth,

Including you and me.

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,

He was the greatest chef around,

He made his meals all from scratch,

Then fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,

 To show off some cooking feats,

For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,

With pickled marinated beets,

 

Bobby cooked a turkey,

Until it's skin was golden brown,

Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,

It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,

He added cheddar cheese,

He also added ground black pepper,

This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,

He added carob seed,

Hemixed in all the greens he found,

But mostly it was weed.

REMEDY ROOMS

Todd had mushrooms growing on his ceiling,

Todd's mother asked what was Todd dealing,

She thought the mushrooms were worth stealing,

She hoped with muskrat, they'd taste appealing,

And give her ulcer some wood witch healing.

PARASITES UNITED

Parasites United were living in my curly hair,

They ate up every single root, until my head was bear,

Although they done me wrong,

I regaled them with a song,

Then they infested my roommate's unpleasant underwear.

THE ELF EATERS RHYME

There was a little elf,

His name was Sammy Sam,

Whenever he got hungry,

He ate a sandwich of cheese and ham,

There was a little elf,

His name was Billy Bill,

He ate only oatmeal cookies,

Upon the window sill,

There was a little elf,

Her name was Doreen Door,

She didn't care where or what she ate,

As long as there was more.

WE DON'T NEED LOCKS ON MARS

On Mars our pudding is full of rocks,

We have no mealtimes for we have no clocks,

We have no open water and no boat docks,

We have no birds so, we don't have flocks,

We have no companies so we don't trade stocks,

We have cold feet because we can't make socks,

We have no education except the school of hard knocks,

Our entire culture the universe mocks,

But, we have nothing to steal so we don't need locks. 

WOE TO THE PROTECTOR OF SHRUBBERY

I got some chicken wire,

To protect my little shrub,

For there is this rabbit,

Who sees my shrub as grub,

Then I waited with a pail,

For the rabbit I would assail,

And I'd catch him nose to tail,

Then I'd have rabbit stew and ale,

But the rabbit never showed,

To another shrub, he goed,

Then he moved into my abode,

Locked me out, so then I woed.