ALL I LEARNED FROM SCHOOL AND LIFE

I went to school for many years and did not see no gains,

For all the teachers did to me was wrap my head up with tight chains,

Then, my bosses yanked those chains so hard, they squished up all my brains,

The only thing I feel right now are constant headache pains,

So, society retired me early to a place with more insanes.

JEETER BUILT A WOOD HEATER LIMERICK

There was a man named Mr. Jeeter,
He built a home made wood/coal heater,
It was not well built,
It had a bad tilt,
The fire was a rapid home eater. 

THE FINANCES OF A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON

There was a dragon named Bill,

He worked at the card shop by the mill,

And, when his own funds got depleted,

Bill often repeated,

A five finger discount from the till.

GARBAGE DAY AND SEAGULLS HAIKU

Garbage day, seagulls,
Plastic bags, meat, fish,veggies,
Gulls flock, rip, tear, mess.

10921

MY DINNER RAN AWAY

My dinner got up and ran away,
I begged that chipmunk but, he wouldn't stay,
So, it's off to the backyard,
To catch some critter off its guard,
Maybe, I'll dig for some worms in the clay.

TOILET TANK TABLETS ARE NOT FOR AQUARIUMS

I use tablets to clean my toilet tank,

I dropped one into my aquarium and it sank,

But, you know what was weird,

When the aquarium water was cleared,

My fish all played dead for a prank.

THERE WAS A DUCK NAMED MURKY LIMERICK

There was a duck named Murky,
He sounded like a turkey,
It only stood to reason,
During hunting season,
He was shot for being quirky.

BESIDE THE LAKE WITH THE WILD FLOWERS LIMERICK

Beside the lake with the wild flowers,
I laid down and dreamed for hours,
Then along came the bees,
They had no mood for a tease,
I'm depending on my recuperative powers.

BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE SQUIRREL

My mind is in a complete whirl,
I was attacked by a brain eating zombie squirrel,
He jumped on my head,
Soon I was dead,
If I eat anything but brains I will hurrell.

A GHOST NAMED BOO

There once was a ghost they called Boo.
His eyes, hair and teeth were all blue,
He bleached himself white,
The bleach burned day and night,
So, it made the ghost go boohoo.

A ghost named Boo would haunt and scare,
Everyone he tried to terror,
He went out of the house,
To frighten a mouse,
But, was frightened himself by a bear.

BOBBY THE WOLF

Bobby the wolf has one good eye,
No one knows because he is sly,
He stays leader of the pack,
But, when the bears attack,
He doesn't see them, so all wolves die.


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WATCH OUT FOR FROG MONSTERS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay,
They’ll nibble your toes off if you get in their way,
They prefer to eat perch,
Roasted over aged birch,
After an appetizer of the finest pâté.

Watch out for frog monsters when you swim on your back,
The sight of your spine will make frog monsters attack,
They bite with no fear,
Making your eyes really tear,
They won’t break the skin but, will leave your skin blue and black.

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay,
They’ll pull out the hairs on your chin as you swim,
Splashing does not drive frog monsters away,
They will leave you alone only on their own whim.

MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my birthday and I'm 104,🎂🍸

I often take naps in the line at the store,🏬

I forget where my chair is and just fall on the floor,🐀🐁

The mail I can't read so, my bills I ignore,📭

I can't remember who won the ballgame or the war,🤔❓

I don't get good rest because I wakeup when I snore,💤💤💤

I'm told that I don't remember much anymore,💩

My family's all ghosts and they tell me, I bore,👻

My saving is spent so, I'm incredibly poor,💸

It stinks to have birthdays at 104.🍸

JALAPENOS, FOR GOOD OR BAD

Would you like some jalapenos with your evening meal?

They taste good with everything, from escargot to veal,

Now, consuming jalapeno peppers you may rue,

For your mouth will be a sweaty goo,

And, your nose will drop snot green or blue,

Then, you'll feel a burning pain when you try to go poo-poo.

NO SWIM AT THE GYM, STINKY SHOES

There were some stink bugs in my shoes,

Now, my footsies are bad news,

I got banned from the gym,

I thought I'd clean off with a swim

But, the members had alternative views.

WHY JIM PITCHED A POP

Poor Jim, with his shampoo his roommate did a switchie,

Now, Jim's head is most terrible itchy,

Of course, Jim's roommate was so vile,

That he cracked one big smile,

Which Jim smacked with a pop bottle pitchie. 

I CAME ACROSS ZOMBIES

I came across zombies who were all eating bugs,

I offered them brains but, I got no bites or head hugs,

I think they were crazy,

Or, just really lazy,

To lazy to wipe drool from their mugs.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

THERE ONCE WAS A GHOST NAMED NANCY-Limerick

There once was a ghost named Nancy,
She liked to dress up really fancy,
She liked to wear hats,
All covered with bats,
Which made any onlooker antsy.

Nancy was a real crazy ghost,
She liked to hide behind a post,
She would jump out and say,
"Boo! You go away,"
She was thought of as a poor host.

BEET THE WORMS

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets,

When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats,

But, when I washed off the clay,

I felt such dismay,

The roots were worm homes and worm eats.