DIRT NAP OR MASK

I didn't wear a mask because I didn't believe in germs,

Now, I'm down in the ground feeding all kinds of worms,

My new ghost has one task,

To preach, "Wear A Mask,

For dirt naps are a sentence with infinity terms."

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because now that my dog is gone,
The cougar is eating me.  

THERE WAS A SPIDER NAMED NELLIE

There once was a spider named Nellie,
She liked to eat toast with her jelly,
The home owners went away,
She ate toast and jelly all day,
That's why she has a big belly.

MY PET GOLDFISH AND MY SOUL

Rita was my pet fish,

She lived in my pet fish bowl,

And, although Rita was just a goldfish,

She was mated to my soul,

Rita lived in just a fish bowl,

But, to Rita it was a sea,

And, Rita only had to show those big fish eyes,

To get most anything from me,

I bought Rita lots of play toys,

Like a plastic clam and a porcelain bell,

I even bought her a harmonica,

And, she learned to play it well,

Then, one day Rita passed away,

She got stuck in the porcelain bell,

And, I had a tiny fish fry,

Then, Rita's things I had to sell.

ODE TO THE CHOCOLATE GLAZED DOUGHNUT

My dearest doughnut all chocolate glazed,
Missing you has made me crazed,
Powdered sugar and sprinkles,
Won't smooth out doughnut wrinkles,
Chocolate glaze is what has me amazed.

I FLOCKED MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK, AN INVESTMENT POEM

I was at the end of my dock,

When I knocked over my grandfather clock,

It feel on some ducks in a flock,

They climbed up onto a rock,

And sang a chorus of Bach,

It was me they were trying to mock,

So I went home and did a short sale of stock.

I'M DECEAST

I have this big pet beast,

And he's expecting a big feast,

But all I have is yeast,

That's what he likes the least,

He ate me, now I'm deceast.

I STOOD UP TO A TOAD AND GOT GRILLED

I was standing toe to toad,

Out in the center of the road,

Then along came a semi,

On it's grill, I'm a stuck guy,

I'm sure the toad is in a ha, ha, ha mode.

The Little Tit Did Mozart's Magic

The little tit had it's toot,

Chirping out The Magic Flute,

It did not depart

From original Mozart,

But the owl didn't give a hoot.

THE UNDER-THE-BED BOOGIEMAN LIMERICK

There is a nasty boogieman who lives under my bed,

He likes to chew on my old shoes and bop me in the head,

I know he is a dirty stinker,

But he's friends with my blabby cat, Tinker,

So to keep peace I keep my complaints unsaid.

MY PARAKEET LOVES ELVES

My parakeet ate six little elves,

She cornered them on the book shelves,

She said, "they taste very, very good",

As she crunched a head wearing a hood,

" Instead of six, I wish I had Twelve."

DONNY'S STICKY FINGERS

Donny's fingers were all sticky,

Because he made cookie dough and did a finger licky

Of course he's a gross dude,

And at best, he's called crude,

His kin should give him a !little butt kicky.

ELVES

Some elves live underneath my street,

They came and ate my parakeet,

She was nice and she was sweet,

I miss her melodic tweet,

I never thought of her, as meat.

TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But instead he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.

THE SPACECRAFT BACK SEAT DRIVER

BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

MARY PARTED COMPANY BECAUSE IT WAS BAD

Junior was smart, but an awfully slow starter,

Marie was faster and an whole lot smarter,

Junior got the job,

Though he was a slob,

So from the company, Marie was a parter.

MY DOGGIE, RACCOON AND THE MOON

Down from the sky came a great, round moon,

It ate my dog and pet raccoon,

It said it was going away,

Be back in 30 day,

Next time it wanted pie, macaroon. 

MY FRIEND CHARTREUSE

My friend was a booger named chartreuse,

He was born in a nose and then came loose,

He lived 40 years,

Under an eyeball, catching tears,

He was buried with his maker when his maker got the noose.

 

MAN EATERS

If you do not fastly swim,

Then your chances are near grim,

For in Michigan waters,

Live man eater otters,

Best chance is if you're fast and you're slim.