WHY ZOMBIES CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Zombies complain that they don't have nice stuff

Of course, Zombies tend to live in the ruff,

They have no schooling,

Always leaking and drooling,

They stagger and crash, acting real tough.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A WEREWOLF, IT'S COMPLICATED

Werewolves are never any fun,

They just eat you, and leave you, they're done,

For a true love, a friend,

Wouldn't consume you in the end,

Then off to another they run.

I HAPPIED UP MY HONEY WHEN I SOLD MY ART OF AWE

I made a tapestry of flowers laying on some straw,

Everyone who saw it, had a gaping jaw of awe, 

I sold the tapestry for money,

I shared the proceeds with my honey,

My honey bought a big pet bird that went, "caw caw, caw, caw, caw".

TP AND HARD TIMES

I confiscated the contraband I found in my yard,

It was 2 years worth of wet toilet paper I didn't discard,

I dried it out with gas heat,

And, I saved every sheet,

I try to find any savings, times are hard.

TOOKEY TELLS ALL

There once was a mouse named Tookey,

She stole while no one would lookey,

She once stole a hair dryer,

And, an outdoor turkey fryer,

She retired to write a mouse self-help bookey.

BOBBY UNINVITRD

The bears threw a New Year's party, but Bob was not invited,

Last time he got stinking drunk, and the toilet, he blighted,

After those puke filled nights,

Donny got no invites,

A bar in Big Rapids is where Bobby was last sighted.

THE ARTIST WITH MOOD

Hannibal came from Hamtramck,
His paintings are moody, dynamic,
He's been spray painting clowns,
All angry with frowns,
He stopped taking his meds now he's manic.

ZOMBIES LIKE A NICE DINNER

I went to a restaurant to eat bacon and eggs,

They said the only protein they served, walked on two legs,

It was a zombie cuisine,

Special was brains wrapped with spleen,

And a shot of blood vodka was served free to the regs.

THE TWO WORD LANGUAGE

I don't speak good German, and my French is even worse,

When I try speaking Latin, I get called disgusting and perverse,  

But the language I speak good,

Is my local neighborhood,

There we speak just two words, that are a universal curse.  

Tooth Truth

For teeth, there was once was a tube of paste,

It was never touched, and went to waste,

Soon no one had teeth,

They just gumed on their beef, 

It seems not flushing and brushing was decided in haste.

NUBINS FROM SPACE

There are little cuties called "Nubins", who fell out of the sky,

Interplanetary invaders, who make you laugh till you die,

They're always passing gas, from low places,

Brimming big, smiley faces,

Then suddenly, you feel really high.

ELI CONDUCTS THE BAND LIMERICK

Eli tried to conduct the band,
He couldn’t read music and soon got canned,
So he took a music course,
Learned the power of the force,
During his ovations, the audience will stand.

DOCTOR

My doctor said, doctors once cured people by making them bleed,

I replied that modern doctors make people bleed, because of greed,

My doctor didn't look happy,

And he gave me a face slappy,

Then he billed me for the slap; said that therapy, I need.

THE RED POP SNORE

My legs are real sore,

Circulation is poor,

I drink just red pop,

For health reasons should stop,

Because at night the red pop makes me snore.

SHARE BUNS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ANY

He set his bun upon his left knee,

Upon his right, he set his tea,

From his left jacket pocket, he pulled some ham,

From his right pocket, he pulled a spoon, jar and jam,

He made a jam, ham, bun sandwich, he didn't share with me,

Last time I invite that guy over for tea.

I FOUND A BLUE PLANET IN GALAXY NINE

I found a blue planet in Galaxy Nine,
But, my landing on it, I had to decline,
The planet was surrounded by roids,
With few in-between voids,
And my navigation was influenced by wine.

LOST HEAD WHILE PICKING MARY'S CHERRIES

I went out to pick the fruit of cherry,

When I crossed paths with Bloody Mary,

She had an ax,

Took a head tax,

My headless bod, she bothered not to bury.

THREE LITTLE GRAY MICE LIMERICK

There once were three little gray mice,
They tunneled deep beneath the ice,
They ran into a red fox,
Who liked mice with his lox,
He served them in a side dish with rice.

MY TOAD WILLIE DID NOT MAKE CHILI

I found a huge frozen toad on the street,

I thought I'd finally have something to eat,

I named my frozen toad Willie,

Went to stew him in chili,

He hopped off before I could move my feet.

MOON LOVER

Everyone is desperate to move to the moon,

But there's no air to breath; no place to spoon,

It's hard to get water,

To drink and flush potter,

And moon cottage pottage, won't smell like perfume.