ME NEW PET LIVES IN THE WOODS

Such happy days I had with me dog, pet,

When she passed, thought I, another I'd get,

I could afford only a squirrel,

I called his name Earl,

He still lives in the woods where we met.

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WHAT THE LANDLORD SAID

The landlord said I must pay to stay,

Or, I should have to move away,

But, if I'm not mistaken,

My rent dollars were taken,

By the casino on Grand Traverse Bay.

I BATHED IN THE POOL

I broke a community rule,🙀

When I took my bath in the pool,👎

I soaped up with a sponge,🚦

Washed it off with a plunge,💦

People said I was clean but not cool.🏊

WHEN THE VIRUS INFECTS THE CAT THEN, NINE LIVES JUST AIN'T ALL THAT

There was a virus going around and I didn't care,😽

I'm a cat and have nine lives to spare,😺

Then, the virus I got,🙀

And, nine lives I had not,😿

I was cremated so, well I didn't fare.😾

WHY I WEAR AN EYE PATCH

I had no extra eyes to spare,🙈

So, I went to a doctor to fix my eye tear,👣👁

The doc sewed my eye up tight,✂〰

Asked if I'd been in a fight,🌪🌪

I said, "No, I room with a lion and bear."🦁 🐻

EATING FROASTED DOUGHNUTS LEADS TO A BIG PROBLEM IN LATE SPRING

I trusted in my frosted doughnuts to keep me very slim,🍩

But, my waist has grown much larger and, I workout at the gym,🏋

Maybe water sports will be the thing,🤽🏄

To bring my weight down yet this spring,🏊🚣

But, my chance of wearing my old swimsuit is looking very dim.😒

SNAKE, LEAVE THAT TOAD ALONE

There was a small toad in my garden of clay,🐸🍄

He was chewing on bugs as he went on his way,🐞

Then, along came a vicious snake,🐍

That I chased away with my rake,👩‍🌾👉

The toad thanked me and bid me good day.🌄

I GOT ME SOME PUDDING: HOW ABOUT YOU?

I went protesting down the street,👣🗽

I didn't go far until I got beat,🌟🌟🌟

A baton in my face,😁🚔🚓

Put me in my place,🚑🏥

Now, hospital pudding is my treat.🍚

WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY HAIRCUT AND THE NEWS

There is so much going on in the news,☣☢💉📉🔥🌪🚀🗽💀👹

What to watch is so hard to choose,📺

With no haircut I'm hairy,👦💈

Like the news I look scary,👿

But, I've got yeast and can make lots of booze.😜🍸🍷🍹🍺

MY IDENTIFY CRISIS

I don't know a widget from an app,

I don't know a folk song from a rap,

I don't know soft spoken from a yell,

How are things different? I can't tell,

The only thing I know for sure is I'd like to take a nap.

THE STONE CHARM OF HARM

I found in my driveway a little stone charm,

I put it around my neck, didn't think it would harm,

But, the next crazy day,

I had nothing to say,

I was missing my mouth and good arm.

BUNKER ME DOWN

With all the troubles in every town,

I think that I will dig on down,

I'll build a bunker,

There I'll hunker,

And, movie binge in my nightgown.

WONDROUS HUMANS

Humans are such wondrous things,

One of them paints while another one sings,

One makes love another, war,

One keeps the dart game score,

One grows food, another sells cheap rings.

BRAIN ROT REALITY

I'm not sure what are dreams or, not?

Are they what I remember or, what I forgot?

My reality is not all that clear,

I don't hold my thoughts very dear,

For I think half my brain has a rot.

GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES OF TIRES

I rue the day I knocked over that bucket of nails,

Now, when I drive my car each tire impales,

The nails spilled in my garage,

But, down my driveway they must still lodge,

Four flat tires everyday are like Grimm's Fairy Tales. 

DISTURBING PEEBLES

There were sharp pebbles on my kitchen floor,

My barefoot counted them to be four,

Oh, what severe, dire pain,

Disturbed my soft a.m. brain,

While I smacked my head into the door.

TWITTER TWIT PARTY

I wonder if there will ever be,

A bigger Twitter twit than me,

I tweet happy and I tweet woe,

I tweet on stuff when I don't know,

I want to join in the tweet party.

A COFFEE CAN SAVES BIG BUCKS AND HELPS FEED LITTLE ONES

Of me, my family was no fan, 

My ashes were put in a coffee can,

And the worms my family picked up,

Upon my ashes they'd sup,

I was made to feel less than human.

NEW LAKESIDE CONSTRUCTION

I remember playing in the sand,

On the beach next to dry land,

 I found it a thrill,

Building a castle sandhill,

While I listened to the camp, summer band.

WHY I LOVE ARTS AND CRAFTS

I now have an excuse not to house clean,

I'm doing the arts and crafting scene,

If it looks and smells rough,

It's covered with boxes and stuff,

Like fluff to cover space inbetween.

SKY-EYE SEARCHING FOR A LONE SUNRAY

I found something special had come this dawn,

My Michigan summer had come and gone,

For near halfway through the month of May,

I awoke to face a snow filled day,

So, sheltered inside I will surely stay,

Sky-eye searching for a lone sunray.

THE DESPERATE DOLLAR DAYS

There are no jobs when no one's buying,

I have no income but, I'm trying,

I pick old masks out of the trash,

I then recycle them for cash,

So far so good; I'm not yet dying.

SORRY MA, IT'S SNOWING

Oh great polar vortex that comes in May,

That shuts down beach fun and ends spring play,

The cold has had a long run,

Why can't winter be done?

Instead, we're getting a wet, heavy snow Mother's Day.

THE FLOWER MOON

The rise of the flower moon,

This moon rises none too soon,

Why waste a day,

In early May,

Without lilac scent by noon.

TOES FOR A TEE

I was bit by a poisonous bee,

I saw the doctor in the next door county,

The bee bit me on the nose,

The doc chopped off my toes,

He complained I made him late for his tee.

RECORD WINDCHILL BUT, I'LL GET TO WORK?

The windchill is record bitter but, I need my job,

So, I started driving to work like a work needy slob,

Then, three miles from work,

My car died like a jerk,

And, I was hit by a road grader named Bob.

MY STOLEN LUCK

I've really bad some awful luck,

Someone stole my hockey puck,

Someone stole my hockey stick,

And, my writing pen, brand Bic,

They even stole my red toy truck.

MULTIPLE STREAMS OF INCOME

My friend lives on a little trust,
He delivers papers because he must
And, burgers he flips,
For cigarettes and tips,
He walks because his car died of rust. 

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE STENCH

From the internet I learned that the world is flat,

And, if I dig down a few feet a new place I'll be at,

So, towards Hawaii went my hole,

I dug fast like a mole,

Found my septic and drowned in that vat.  

IT ROASTS UPON MY STICK

The carcass cracks and pops as it roasts upon my stick,

I'm not sure what I'll be eating, I found it after it was hit,

Oh, it's my lucky day,

I'm gonna eat without no pay,

After I've eaten I'll go sleep a bit.

I'LL HAVE A BIG SHINY SUN

There is nothing better than a big shinny sun,

It should shine in the morning til all fun is done,

The night can have clouds,

With raindrop big crowds,

And thunderstorms, I vote for none.

DON'T BUY CHIPS FROM A GHOST

I bought potato chips but, they were all mold

I read that in 2012 they should have been sold,

I went back to the store,

But, the store was no more,
It was abandoned in 2010 I was told.

BITING THE GREEN THING

Just because something is green does not mean it tastes good,

Sometimes that something green is metal, rock or wood,

So, don't bite down with teeth,

They may break off down beneath,

Make sure the green thing is soft, you should.

FRED SENT ME FLOWERS

I got some flowers from my best bud Fred,

He sent me flowers when I went dead,

In my final dwell,

I didn't smell so well,

So, they buried the flowers with my pine box bed.

FOR RENT, I SOLD MY SOUL ON LAYAWAY

Before I enter the month called May, 

My rent bill I will have to pay,

But, I lost my job,

And, my roommate, Bob,

On time, I've sold my soul in layaway.

NONSENCE WITH SIMPLE NUMBERS MADE BY SIMPLER MINDS

7 is not 11 unless you add the number 4,

Then, you must add another 9 before you have a score,

But, do not wait,

There's an inflation rate,

That's when everyone asks for more.

SPRING EXERCISE

I exercised for a very short while,

By walking around my small domicile,

But, the stamina required,

Made me awfully tired,

I collapsed when I reached the floor tile.

A FREE SUMMER VACATION HOME

I dreamed of vacation as I sat on the lawn,

But, all of my sources of income are gone,

Then, the eyes in my head,

Spied my old garden shed,

I leave for vacation at dawn.

MEANIES OR FRIENDS?

If we are to survive then, it all depends,

On whether we decide to be meanies or friends,

We should all be nice,

It's not much of a price,

Or, we'll all be screwed if life ends.

THE CURRENCY OF OUTER SPACE

I hitched a ride to Mars,

It cost me 6 cigars,

I couldn't take my pets,

That cost cigarettes,

And, I'm saving those smokes for the stars.

I'VE NEVER TO PARROT

I have never been to Parrot:  its a thrift shop down the street,

To go is a social demerit:  that's where poor people meet,

Anyone can go to the store,

You get discounts to buy more,

Great clothing, it's cheap to wear it, and still afford to eat.

I NEED DETROIT FOOTBALL

When it finally happens and it's the football time of year,

I'll be watching from home decked out in Detroit Lions' gear,

Although, I'll not be a present fan,

I'll watch with all of Michigan,

And, we'll be eating tacos and pizza while, sipping pop and beer.

THE DRAGON WAS SLAIN BUT, I DIDN'T GET TO SEE

I saw old George the other day,

He was off to find a dragon to slay,

I asked to come along,

Then, I'd post him in song,

George laughed and then sent me away.

THE EASTER RABBIT CAME CALLING

The Easter Rabbit came calling and said that I owed him money

He said I stole a chocolate Easter egg and a white chocolate bunny,

I denied thieving of course

So, the rabbit used force,

He popped my nose and made it bloody runny.

GREEN IS THE BROCCOLI

Green is the broccoli I fry upon the stove,

Browning is the fish I caught down at Sugar Cove,

 My french fries soaked in grease,

May one day give me eternal peace,

Today upon my table rests a fisherman's treasure trove.  

THE GREAT YELLOW BALL

The sight Michiganders have seldom seen,

Is the great yellow ball that turns white to green,

Rumor has it, it does exist,

Somewhere in the cloud-snow mist,

Yet, it could be fable, real or, tween.

THE SNOW SPRAWL MADE ME BAWL FOR MY ROSES ON THE WALL

This winter has been both big and tall,

The snow was deep and great was it's sprawl,

It was the longest winter I recall,

I think of my roses and start to bawl,

For I only have those up on the wall.

MY MANGY TIPS

My pay is in the lower range,

In fact, most weeks I'm paid with change,

I mostly get tips,

Like return bottle slips,

Or, I should shower to get did of my mange.

GINGER BEER SUCCESS

No one foretold of the tree that was old that fell on the cabin last year,

Then, when the crushed cabin sold the new owners went bold, starting a brewery that made ginger beer,

The gross margins they nailed,

And, the stock price, it sailed,

So, they retired and live nowhere near.

Dedicated to Antwon

WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES MR. SNOW

If my strawberry plants could enforce their say,

They'd force the spring snowfalls to go away,

Strawberry baby making is hard,

While snow covers every yard,

And, causes a strawberry season delay.

 

TWO CANS OF TUNA AND SALMON MAKES IT THREE

I went to the grocery store to buy some tuna fish,

They only let me have two cans but, three was my wish,

The tuna order was short that day,

So, like a good sport I did obey,

I just added a can of salmon to make my fishy dish.

A WORM ATE MY DIPLOMA

I've spent my youth trying to complete my senior term,

I would have made it this time but, my belly got a worm,

The worm causes discomfort during class,

So, I wish someday he'd pass,

Every time I take a test the critter likes to squirm.

NEW CRACKERS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE

I paid too much for saltine crackers I bought new,

I paid too much for oyster crackers I bought new too,

Crackers are priced like high end beef,

I feel like I've been robbed by a thief,

I guess I'll just shop online for crackers sold "like new."

I TOOK THE TOOTH FAIRY TO COURT

I lost my tooth and the tooth fairy gave me only a dime,

The tooth had a gold cap so, the fairy committed a crime,

So, I took the tooth fairy to court,

The judge ruled that my tooth came up short,

 It was discounted because it was covered all in grime. 

FOREVER VILIFIED BY A PHOTO

In photos, why do thin people always stand next to me?

They make me look huge since, I have their girth times three,

I'm in a food hog position,

Causing them malnutrition,

At least that's what generations will see.

MEAN DON'T CUT IT WITH THE REEPER

I should of been my brother's keeper,

Told this was I by Grim The Reeper,

I was terrible mean,

Too late to come clean,

I'll be real uncomfortable when I'm a sleeper.

I WENT TO THE GROCERY AT THE END OF MARCH

I went to the grocery store at the end of March,

All I could afford was a small box of starch,

But, I'm glad it was present,

To feed this starving peasant,

I just need a pop or I'll parch.

YEARBOOK

I went to my senior yearbook but, that was a bust,

All of the pages had turned into dust,

Of course it might be a win,

For I never fit in,

I got by, got my diploma but, just.

CREAM CORN AND YAM: HAPPY EASTER TO SAM

I can't go to the store for an Easter ham,

My main menu item is an expired canned yam,

But, I will not morn, 

I found a can of cream corn,

Which I'll share with my mouse guest named Sam.

STUFF FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

I dreamed the Easter Bunny brought me three cans of peas,

He brought me three cans of corn and cough drops for disease,

But, he brought me no candy,

Just a stuffed chicken named Andy,

And, a jar of honey manufactured by bees.