WAYLAND THE ELF KING IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

MY CHEATIE, SWEETIE IS TWEETIE

I thought you were my valentine, sweetie,
But, I guess you’ve been lately real cheatie,
Last week it was Frank,
Yesterday it was Hank,
All the internet knows cause you’re tweetie.

BASIL LOVED BURGANDY

Basil really loved Burgundy,
That is the wine and not the color,
But, for his birthday he got a can of paint,
It wasn’t even burgundy but kind of a yellar.

NEW MOON FEBRUARY 2012 LIMERICK

The new moon in February 2012,
Tells the psychics to put the month on the shelve,
It may be a great year,
But, February’s days are not dear,
These days should be flushed through the septic tank valve.

MY PA, STEP MA AND MY FAMILY ROOTS

My pa’s name was Old Clyde Foots,
His third wife Karen was quite the toots,
They had an all male litter of nine,
This to me was just fine,
For even half brothers still have family roots.

WHEN I SEE THE HURRICANE

When I see the hurricane,
I run away, I flee,
I do not like the hurricane,
Because drowning is not for me,

There are those who watch in awe,
The gales, the lightning, the rain,
But, I just fear being blown out to sea,
By the nasty hurricane,

So, call me a coward as I run away,
And though  your words cause me some pain,
I know that  I'll be around another day,
To run away  from  another hurricane.

THERE WERE TWO BAR MAIDS NAMED CHRISTINA

There were two bar maids named Christina,

When not serving drinks they played the concertina,

But, their music was so sad,

When finished playing everyone was glad,

For their intonation were like a wounded hyena,  

 

TURTLE SOUP SUBSTITUTE

I could not find a turtle for my turtle soup,
So, I went out to see what crawled on my front stoop,
I found a green lizard,
A snake with a gizzard,
And, four bugs with antennae that hoop.

GROUND HOG OR DOG DAY? LIMERICK

I could not find a ground hog,
So, I disguised up my dog,
But, the people from around,
Recognized my old hound,
Groundhogs Day went over like a log.

THE FIRST OF FEBRUARY BRINGS A NEW SEASON

The first of February brings a new season,
I say this without any rhyme or real reason,
The wind is cold when it blows,
Full of ice and heavy snows,
The big bad weather makes me feel like a meson.

THE LEGEND OF BRAN

I was the one sent to fight the great war,
Against the gargoyles and demons and monsters of yore,
I called upon the great forest trees,
They beat my enemies to their knees,
The universe continues as it had been before.

CRAZY JEANIE THE LIMERICK

Crazy Jeanie was a tether-ball queen,
She could beat any boy or girl because she was mean,
She’d pound the ball into the kid’s face,
Then, laugh and yell “Ace”,
Now, she rules as a college athletic school dean.

RALPHIE SWORE HE'D STAY OFF THE DRINK LIMERICK

Ralphie swore that he’d stay off the drink,
It would have gone well except for his girlfriend Ann Klink,
She was not real nice,
And, with a bottle of spiced rum she’d entice,
Ralphie ended up vomiting all night in the sink.

WHILE MARTY WAS DRIVING HIS ROADSTER LIMERICK

While Marty was driving his roadster,
He swerved to miss an old toadster,
He ran right into a tree,
The crash smashed-up his knee,
The hospital is where Marty takes abodester.

A NEW MOON THE TWENTY-THIRD LIMERICK

There's a new moon on the twenty-third,
It's so dark because the new moon occured,
I can't see my toes,
That's the least of my woes,
I opened my mouth I swallowed some bird.

POOR LITTLE MOLLY WET TO BED LIMERICK

Poor little Molly wet to bed,
She was embarrassed so enough said,
Then, when she became a teen,
She was a beauty queen,
She said “embarrassment is all in the head”.

WHAT THE WINTER SOLSTICE MEANS TO ME

It’s the Winter Solstice and I’m so happy,
The days are short and the nights cold and crappy,
Today I froze off my nose,
My fingers and toes,
My body is peeling and scrappy.

THE TWO CHICKENS TALK LIMERICK

This morning I heard two chickens squawk,
Then, their squawking seemed to turn to talk,
But, what did they say?
Was it goodnight or good day?
I don’t know because they were speaking in hawk.

TOE JAM JEFF

Jeff lives off the fat of the land,
In his old job he was summarily canned,
He made macaroni with bows,
With the jams from his toes,
But, some of his jams were loaded with sand.

WOOD CLOCK FALLS DOWN HAIKU

Wall clock falls down, crash, Splintered wood, glass chards, big mess,
Replaced, clock, plastic.

TAKE TIME TO CASTIGATE THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE LIMERICK

Take time to castigate the ones that you love,
Don’t give them a hand just give them a shove,
Blame them for you troubles,
For the real estate market bubbles,
Your loved ones are in the way of your reward up above.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It’s Friday the Thirteenth today,
I think that in bed I will stay,
My truck will not start,
I fell on a lawn jart,
And, I was pecked in the head by a jay.

THERE WAS A BITTER MAN

There was a man, who was so vehemently bitter,
He attacked all in family over the media called twitter,
He attacked his cousin the monk,
Said his car-dealer uncle sold junk,
He even said his sister was a poor baby sitter.

I CAN'T REMEMBER ALL THE BOOKS THAT I'VE READ LIMERICK

I can’t remember all the books that I’ve read,
All the movies I’ve seen or the foods that I’ve fed,
All I know is that tomorrow,
Be it joyful or full of sorrow,
My experiences are the guides and so I’m led.l

A NORTH POLE ELF NAMED HANES LIMERICK

There was a North Pole elf named Haynes,
He was in charge of the candy canes,
When the canes would not bend,
And were straight end to end,
He'd eat them though they gave him gas pains.

COME THE GREAT POST APOCALYPSE OF 2012

Come the great post apocalypse of 2012,
I’ll get my meals ready to eat dinners off the shelve,
I will survive many years,
Though I’ll cry many tears,
So, into the past I must resolve not to delve.

2012 WILL SOON BE REVEALED

Soon 2012 will be revealed,
Then, we will know if our fate is sealed,
Should we have fun?
Or, should we run?
Or, will our infirmities be healed.

MY PRESENT FROM SANTA WEIGHED FIFTY POUNDS LIMERICK

My present from Santa weighed nearly fifty pounds,

I figured it was a TV with audio that surrounds,

I opened my present fast to reach my goal,

But, it was just a huge lump of coal,

I guess my naughtiness has been way out of bounds.

 

I WENT TO SELL MY STOCKS ON CHRISTMAS DAY

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day,
For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay,
But, Wall Street was closed,
I was totally hosed,
I’d better skip town right away.

MY MOM HAD A PORCELAIN PIG

My mom had a porcelain pig,
I knocked it on the floor,
When it flew into a million pieces,
Mom through me out the door,

 I then wandered without a home,
My finances were broke,
 I tried to live at the Astrodome,
 The police sent me to the poke,

 I finally found a place to stay,
I was meant all along for jail,
Everyone finds their place someday,
If they cannot raise the bail. ,

I NEED SANTA TO TAKE ME DOWN SOUTH

I'm sitting in the house during a winter storm,
My heats been shut off so I'm not keeping warm,
Oh, Santa bring your sleigh,
And take me far away,
Take me far south where the temperatures are norm.

WHAT LOVING MONEY GOT JILL

Jill loved money so,
Sold stock in a bogus firm,
Owns an island now.

OH TURKEY DAY

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day,
I think we have a problem,
Though Halloween is far away,
My turkey is haunted by a goblin,

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day,
My turkey would not get done,
No matter what the instructions say,
My turkey jumped up for a run,

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day,
I guess you shouldn’t cook a live bird,
No matter if fresh turkey is the fad of the day,
The turkey just might have the last word.

SARAH THE LEPRECHAUN

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara.

JAKE THE LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

I knew a leprechaun named Jake,
He only ate banana cake,
If the cake looked nice,
He’d pay any price,
Jake should have learned how to bake.

JANE THE LEPRECHAUN

There was a leprechaun named Jane,
She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain,
She sold sports cars,
Saved gold in quart jars,
And, made rainbows after each rain.

A COLD FULL MOON IN NOVEMBER

A cold full moon in November,
Much colder than October,September,
Put the camp stuff away,
Summer fun had it's day,
It's not a month to remember.

THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS HAIKU

Woman of my dreams,
Has a great job, makes money,
I stay home all day.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME ENDS LIMERICK

Daylight savings time has ended its run,
Getting up so darn early has not been much fun,
Good riddens I say,
To saving some day,
For those that don’t work but have fun.

THE PROBLEM WITH STEVE LIMERICK

The problem with Steve is he didn't have a plan,
When he went out ice fishing way out on Lake Ann,
So, oh what a bummer,
The season was summer,
He couldn't swim a stroke so he ran.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SAM LIMERICK

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

THE ALIEN TRADE AGREEMENT

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They burried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast,

Big business worships Benny until this very day,
He found them multi-taskers who would work for no pay.

WHEN STEVE OVER USED HIS BRAIN

Steve did not read much,
Read Driver's Ed. booklet,
Brain swelled up, bye Steve.

HURRICANE, HURRICANE GET OUT OF MY FACE

Hurricane, Hurricane get out of my face,
Or, I’ll spray in your eyes a can of bear mace,
Maybe you’d like that but, I’ll never know,
Because I have somewhere important to go,

Hurricane, Hurricane I’ve ten blocks to walk,
So, bring on your wind, hail and, general squawk,
For my wife had a baby whom I’m anxious to see,
And, no mere mortal storm comes between my family and me.

A DOG WENT OUT AND SWAM IN THE BAY

A dog went swimming far out in the bay,
He caught a fish and swam back the same day,
He flopped the fish on the shore,
The fish flopped over twice more,
Then the fish swam far out and away,

MR. CAESAR AND THE IDES

The Ides of October come at mid-month near,
Did Mr. Caesar have something to fear?
I guess that was March mid,
When goodbye Caesar bid,
When he met all his friends that were dear.

THE MAKING OF AN ANGEL LIMERICK

I was driving and watching the Northern Star,
Then three big bucks ran in front of my Saab car,
I swerved hard left to miss,
And gave an oak tree a kiss,
Now from the Northern Star I look down from afar.

Just how I earned my golden angel wings,
Is no topic of my favorite things,
I saw three big buck deer,
I hit my breaks and couldn't steer,
Now I'm in the choir where the angel sings.

SOPHIE AND SONS

Sophie and sons were all armadillos,
One day they ran out of blankets and pillows,
They had quite a scare,
But, quickly grew hair,
And nested in the leaves of the willows.

THE TRAVELS OF LEIGH COLLIN BRANDT

I went to Russia to visit the Louvre,
But, I guess to Paris it made a sudden move,
I went to Spain to see the Pyramids of old,
But, I guess to Egypt they had been  recently sold,

I went to Ireland to watch the Mets play,
But, the Mets moved to New York the local Irish did say,
I went to Amsterdam to visit the Pope,
But, he had been moved to Rome so, I felt like a dope,

Why do things change so I can’t keep them straight?
Will showing up at past events and times be my fate?
But, I live with a passion, and even a hope,
That at the end of my travels I’ll find scented soap.

HOW TO HURT YOUR FAMILY WITH SOCIAL MEDIA LIMERICK

There was a man, who was so vehemently bitter,
He attacked all in family over the media called twitter,
He made fun of  his cousin the monk,
Said his car-dealer uncle sold junk,
He even said his sister was a poor baby sitter.

DAISY HAD AN EVIL ID LIMERICK

Daisy had an evil Id,
It came out when she was a kid,
She spread evil rumors,
About Mary's bloomers,
And, everything that Mary did.

MANISTEE LAKE TIME

I went fishing on Manistee Lake,
But a leaking old boat I did take,
I got really wet,
And really upset,
Then went swimming home; for goodness sake.


I went fishing out on the ice,
The cold wind did'nt feel very nice,
I started to freeze,
I couldn't feel my knees,
And my sweater was loaded with lice.

EARTHQUAKE SHAKES THE EAST AND ME LIMERICK

I just felt just a little bit of a shake,
The TV said it was an earthquake,
It was along the East Coast,
But, I don’t want to boast,
I’m in Michigan, that’s a ways off goodness sake.

AMUMINUM FOIL FOR BRAINS

Bert wore a hat of aluminum foil,
So government transmissions he’d spoil,
But, his hat sealed his fate,
From an off world state,
The aliens cooked his brains on broil.

JORDAN MADE RHUBARB WINE

Jordan once made some homemade rhubarb wine,
He thought he'd have good stuff upon which to dine,
But, when he guzzled his first glass,
He ballooned up with such gas,
He spent a day in the bathroom to opine.

Everyone had an opinion,
About Jordan's homemade rhubarb wine,
They expressed it in the bathroom,
With body language they did opine.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE LIMERICK

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
So, he married her and moved to the Peru.

DRINKING BAD WHISKEY HAIKU

Drinking bad whiskey,
Stomach curls, dry heaves, pain,
Morning after milk.

ZOMBIE OCEANS

We are all just part of the zombie oceans,
We swim against riptides just to get our promotions,
But, when our own dark day ends,
Just a few claim the wins,
The rest of us live the regret with remorseful emotions.

MY SKINNY GIRLFRIEND HAIKU

Skinny girlfriend,
Does not eat very much food,
Has a model job.

P.S. Lucky me!!!!!!!

STEVEN HAD AN EVIL ID

Steven had an very evil Id,
He picked on his little brother Sid,
When Sid went to tell,
Steven gave off a yell,
And blamed Sid for what Steven did.