GOLDFISH HEAVEN

Heaven is full of goldfish, thanks to me,

Every time I buy one, they live two weeks, maybe three,

The body goes into the toilet bowl,

One flush separates corpse from soul, 

This is as close as my goldfish get to a burial at sea.

I NAILED TWO BOARDS TOGETHER

I nailed two boards together, but methinks those boards I should have screwed,

I did not have screws or a screwdriver, so I hammered and nailed, so crude,

Now the weather is getting bad,

My boards are loosening, so sad,

Soon my shack will blow away, and to the weather gods, I'll be nude.

CLIFF HAD NINE BOXES OF TOYS-Limerick

Cliff had nine boxes of toys,
He had everything played with by boys,
His girlfriend named Pearl,
Had every toy for a girl,
Their kids just wanted to make noise.

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING UP

John's elevator went to the very top floor,
But, when he got there he couldn't open the door,
So, to avoid having a stroke,
John lit up a smoke,
And, the sprinkler started to pour.

 

BACK OF THE TANK PET

It was the back of the tank,

Where my dead goldfish sank,

You'd think after his bloat,

He'd float like a boat,

From the depths, my net gave fishy a yank.

MY FAVORITE JELLYBEANS LIMERICK

The Jellybean Mean by lcb.

I went and bought some jellybeans,
There were reds, and blues, yellows and greens,
But, the purples were the treat,
They were more sour than sweat,
And, rare as defined by any means.

TOASTED TURKEY TO GO

I tried to use my toaster,

I should of used my roaster,

The turkey didn't fit,

So I had to quit,

As a chef I won't be a boaster. 

I BREAK FOR BROTHER BOOM

On the last day of February, I break,

From work, a personal day I will take,

I lite a firecracker for a boom,

Toss it near my brother's bedroom,

Sometimes he's mad, and gives my body ache.

HOW I SERVE MY TATER-TOTS AND TEA

I shop stores and yard sales for teapots,

I buy them as singles, or in lots,

I buy some cause they're  pretty,

I buy uglies out of pity,

I host tea, and serve frozen tater-tots. 

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT PLAYED TETHERBALL

A bear and a Bigfoot played tetherball,
The Bigfoot won because he was so tall,
The bear was a soar loser,
And, sour mash boozer,
The bear swallowed the big foot and all.

I FOUND SOME EASTER GRASS

I went looking for Easter grass,

I found some growing under an overpass,

I quick stopped my car,

But, I was parked out too far,

And, a semi plowed my car in the gas.

NED SMELLS ALONE

Ned could smell a person flagellate, from across the sea,

Ned could tell if they be flagellating their meds, or meals, or tea,

Ned never kept his friends,

They broke up because of ends,

Ned couldn't keep his mouth shut, and let the flagellation be.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIKER NAMED FARLEY

There once was a big biker named Farley,
He liked to ride around on his Harley,
His tire blew out,
He flew all about,
And landed in a big field of barley.


There once was a biker named Farley,
He drank lots of beer made with barley,
He drank it too quick
Then he got sick,
And he could not ride home on his Harley.

A RAINBOW TROUT NAMED NINA

There was a rainbow trout named Nina,
She had a real pretty patina,
We had our first date,
On my dinner plate,
With a dressing called Catalina.

AMY MADE FUN OF HER BIG SISTER RUTH LIMERICK

Amy made fun of her big sister Ruth,
Because Ruth was missing a front baby tooth,
But, Ruth’s smile had an appeal,
That Amy’s words could not steal,
Amy’s attitude everyone thought was uncouth.

I SHARE SUP WITH MY PUP

The sun made my raspberries dry up,

So, I have no berries for my sup,

Now, I shed many a tear,

When my berries ain't here,

And, end up sharing dog food with my pup.

WRONG TURN AT THE MACARONI FACTORY

I went to the factory where they shape macaroni like bows,

The kind that when you boil it is modestly grows,

But, I made a wrong turn,

So, what did I learn?

Well, it was how to macaroni shaped "O's." 

 

PAUL WENT TO THE GYM LIMERICKS

Paul went to the gym,
He believed he would become slim,
But, Paul loved butter fried rice,
And, fried cheese tasted so nice,
Paul’s weight goal was dimmer than dim.

Paul went to the gym to win,
He was hefty and wanted to be thin,
He worked out each day and each night,
But, on the scales he didn’t become light,
Because with cheesy pizza and pasta he’d sin.

With his girlfriend Paul went to the gym,
He wanted to look better for his girlfriend Kim,
But, one day when he went there,
He saw Kim smooching with Pierre,
So, Paul went pasta binging with big brother Tim.

MY LITTLE RED BARN IS NO MORE LIMERICK

My little red barn is no more,
The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor,
And, as for my cows,
They suffered ouches and oughs,
But, their safe though their homeless and poor.

THE LIZARD MAN OFFICIAL LIMERICK

Lizard man hunts in the woods by the bay,
Hunting wild boars and pigs that go stray,
Lizard man can smell,
Hams like a dinner bell,
Once smelled they won't get away.