THE COUGAR RHYME

There's this cougar in the dark, walking by the stream,

It's hunting me through pines with red bark, oh, nightmare be a dream,

Soon my heart stops it's beat,

As I become just fresh killed meat.

I WAS DEFEATED BY ZOMBIES

It was dark outside when the zombies came,

I held them back with a candle flame,

When the flame went out,

I had a scream and a shout,

Zombies ate my feet, now I walk real lame.

Cleaning One's Clock With A Dock Limerick

Barney traveled upriver in a fancy canoe,

He traveled real fast, because the canoe was brand new,

But he ran into a dock,

And that cleaned his clock,

The dock was damaged, and the owner did sue.

A RIB IN THE ROAST, BENNY'S READY TO POST

Before Benny writes his online post,

He has to have two eggs and toast,

A half pint of beer,

A shot of the Clear,

And, a rib in a very rare roast.

DON'T EVER SLEEP

When the world is oh, so scary,

Sleep becomes uncustomary,

For resting eyes, 

Bring on demise,

And, a permanent sleep in the cemetery.

JIMMY'S FAVORITE DISH

Jimmy's favorite dish is fresh northern toad,
If you think that's strange he eats it ala-mode,
He likes butterscotch ice cream
And, in keeping with his weird theme,
He likes his toad fresh scraped from the road.

I MADE BEER AND UNCLE DUKE LOST HIS MAYONNAISE

I tried making beer out of mayonnaise,

But it didn't make it past the taste testing phase,

My old uncle, Duke,

He started to puke,

The next day my mind was a haze.

A POX UPON ME

I'm afraid I have a pox,

It's name is a judge sentenced detox,

But, how can I mend,

My friends won't let me bend,

Besides, I must demonstrate to all my street mox.

BEDWETTER WHO HAD NO GIRLFRIEND

The judge said my teenage soul needed a revamp,

So, he sent me away to bandcamp,

I started dating this girl,

Till my bunkmates called me a squirrel,

Because I drank pop and my beding was damp.   

DON'T STICK A FORK IN A TOASTER

I stuck a fork in a toaster,

To get my toast unstuck,

It worked well when I stuck it in my roaster,

But, this time I was out of luck,

I got zapped and zapped off my feet,

And, landed in a box of sharp  things,

I tried moving my arms and felt them both beat,

Because they had become a pair of wings.

HIGH DOME GNOME POEM

Hey, little guy with the big, high dome,

I understand they call you a gnome,

I wish you'd leave and go home,

Instead around my garden, you roam,

I'm so bothered, I set you to poem.

GNOMES GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME

I cannot get myself to write a poem,
That is sympathetic to a garden gnome,
Every gnome is so mean,
And, their cloths they don't clean,
After all day in the garden they roam.

THE RHYME OF FOODS WITH GARLIC

All food deserves a garlic dash,
It makes dull food vibrant and brash,
Food with garlic delights my taster,
And, garlic with butter is the ultimate baster,
Garlic makes no food a waster,
Sometimes I use garlic as a tooth-paster,

EVERY NINTH FISH IS ALWAYS A ZOMBIE

Every ninth fish is always a zombie,

So says my fishing bud Bob Abercrombie,

He says "it's not a surprise,

They have death in their eyes,"

I asked him which type he said, "Omni".

A WILD PIG STEALS MY PAPER

A wild pig steals my paper each day,🐗
What he does with it I really can’t say,
But, I don’t think it is funny,
Because it cost so much money,
He gets my paper and I still  have to pay.

THE BOND SELLING FELONY LIMERICK

Jim tried to make phone calls and do some bond sellin'
But, he ended up in prison and branded a felon,
And, although the bonds were not real,
Jim might get out on appeal,
At least that's what his attorney is tellin'...

BROTHER DOUG DID IT

I had no nails to nail my tree house boards,

So I tied them to branches with electric cords,

Then my brother Dog

Found an electrical plug,

The city is where the fire rages towards.

BABIES AND BABIES AND ZOMBIES, I DIED

The stork brought babies and babies,

My pet rat came down with the rabies,

My skin was all covered with scabies,

It was the darkest and darkest of days

A raccoon got into the henhouse,

My mommy ran off with my ex-spouse,

My kid went to jail; got a de-louse,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

My car ran over nails in the driveway,

I did not find out till the highway,

I spun off a bridge into a skyway,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

I landed on rocks sticking up near the shoreline,

Sharks swam around me, waitng to fine dine,

My bones were all broke, I was not fine,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

I closed my eyes and then I soon died,

Awoke in a world of zombies, and I couldn't hide,

They ate my face, my feet, and backside,

It was the darkest and darkest of days.

BABY, IT WAS MY DORKEST DAY

I heard a knock up on the door, and it was the Stork,

He gave me a baby that he said was named Cork,

I told him he had some nerve,

This baby was a curve,

Because I'm always alone, I'm a dork.

MY POGO-STICK AS TRANSPORTATION TO WORK

I quit driving my car for a pogo stick,
Yet, now I can't seem to get anywhere quick,
I can jump really high,
And, pretend I can fly,
But, my boss said  that he did not "give a lick."