ANIMAL JOKES

Joke: How many 12 inch fish are in a foot?
Answer: Feet don't have fish in them so there are zero fish in a foot.

Joke: If 40 birds are sitting in a tree and ten of them are chirping, 15 of them are quiet and 15 of them are standing on one leg then, how many of them are flying?
Answer: All forty birds are sitting in a tree so none of them are flying.

MY MANGLED MANDOLIN MADE MILLIONS

My mandolin got mangled when it fell out the back of my pickup truck,
And, although I didn't feel lucky the driver behind me had worse luck,
But, it's hard for me to grieve,
For that driver, I'll call Steve,
He suffered only mild injuries and won ten million plus one buck.

BEWARE THE FERAL DOG

There are feral dogs out in the dark,

I know they're there because I hear them bark,

When they bite it's an ouch,

A month to recover on the couch,

If your throat they nip, then it's cemetery park.

THE FLYING FISH IN THE EYE LIMERICK

A flying fish stabbed me deep in my eye,
Of course it made me wail and then cry,
The many tears were ill spent,
For fish loved saltwater scent,
So, into my face many fishes did fly.

MY SHOTGUN EXPLODED IN MY FACE

My shotgun exploded in my face,
Even though, I had duct tape in place,
And, just like last year,
The explosion scared off the deer,
Maybe, a new shotgun will draw me an ace.

MY POKY-STICK AND THE BEARS

For fun I'd go looking for bears,

I'd poke them with a stick for some dares,

But, one bear had a trick,

He broke my poky-stick,

Then he ate me and coughed up my hairs.

GORDO THE GOLDFISH LIMERICK AND POEM

Poem
Gordo the goldfish grew a full set of teeth,
He then ate his companions Julie and Keith,
He sharpened his teeth on a fake coral reef,
While eyeing the table where sat a roast beef.

 Limerick

Gordo the goldfish won't eat fish food, dried flies,
The roast beef on the table is where his heart lies,
But, he can't jump out of his bowl,
For someone covered the hole,
So, he stares out at the roast beef and cries.

 

GETTING EDUCATED TO KEEP MY JOB

My boss told me I was a complete fool,

My boss sent me back to junior high school,

All I said was, "duh",

In a class called algebra,

And, I was made fun of, because I tend to drool.

THERE ONCE WAS A SAILOR NAMED GREG

There once was a sailor named Greg,
He sat down really hard on his leg,
His eyes filled with tears,
As his mateys yelled jeers,
For Greg's leg was a hickory peg.
   

THE GREAT SHELLED LIZARD IN SKEDGEMOG LAKE

The great shelled lizard in Skedgemog lake,

He's a snapping turtle they say,

The souls of swimmers and boaters he'll take,

While, on the bottom he lay,

You cannot out swim him,

Or, harm him with the longest knife,

For once that turtle sees you,

He will snap away your life,

So, rowing out beneath the moon,

Feeling safe in your little row boat,

You spot a monster swimming near,

And, a lump grows in your throat,

The monster veers towards you with open jaws,

Then, cuts in half your boat,

The monster cuts your belly with his claws,

Then, you struggle to stay afloat,

The monster comes towards you from below,

You can't see him but, you know he's there,

How to escape you do not know,

So, well thee will not fare,

Then, the brutal pain,

As he chomps upon your bones,

And, all that's on your brain,

Are your terrors, your screams, your moans,

Old Skeggy they call the creature,

The monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He is the lake's most famous feature,

Then, it's the rattlesnake yearly bake.

THE COLD-SHOCK-QUICKIE

When it gets really hot and really sticky,
All jump into the pool for a cold-shock-quickie,
But, going from hot, hot to cold, cold,
Should be only for the real bold,
For the rest will scream and become sickie.  

THE TURTLE FOOT FALSETTO

Billy had turtle feet,

He couldn't dance to a beat,

German opera he could sing,

A falsetto voice, he'd make ring,

Provided Billy had plenty to eat. 

THERE WAS A MONSTER FROM MARS

There was a monster named Lucky, from mars,
He liked fancy beer and fast cars,
When he was driving too fast,
His luck did not last,
Now, the monster sits behind prison bars.

WHY MY RESTAURANT FAILED

Donny the cook had bugs climb up his snout,
But, he didn't know that he could just blow them right out,
So he used his finger,
And left it to linger,
Which caused my customers to all walk out.  

BIG KEEPER FISH AND THE FUTURE

The big fish that are keepers,

Run in the waters that are deepers,

In the shallows you'll only find logs,

And, you'll catch two dollar frogs,

So, we are the reapers,

Of the cheap protein creepers,

So, tomorrow we eat our cats and our dogs.

THE PREENER

My buddy Birdie liked to preen,

Birdie was a preening machine,

No matter what the weather,

Every Birdie feather,

Was pecked free of lice, and then licked clean.

WHY ARE THE WITCHES IN THE WOODS?

Boil, boil my plum pudding,

A witch's brew when a coven's hooding,

A sacrifice in the woods,

A farmer's live goods,

On the lot the farm keeps for wooding,

Under a full moon but, when no stars light,

Dire times so, seems the service right,

The crops have failed,

Money lenders bailed,

Resources are dear and tight,

The coven calls back to the past,

To a dead religion who's honors last,

Before paradise gates,

With mansions, no hates,

But, harms fates resolve now, fast,

Desperate are the times that linger,

As freezing black then, lost each finger,

While starving pain,

Makes a focused brain,

Listening to a fallen singer.

  

  

BOXED CHICKEN

The chicken I ate came cut into many parts,

It was boxed and sold in one of those grocery marts,

I was so glad,

The chicken didn't taste so bad,

Just wished the box included liver, gizzards, hearts.

THE WIND CHILL IS NO FRIEND OF MINE

The wind chill is no friend of mine,

It's taken my pet rats since I was nine,

It's caused me to freeze and blister,

And, to rat out my older sister,

Because, she shoves me outdoors when I whine.

MY DEER DECISION

I decided not to go out and hunt any deer,
My blind didn't have cable and just one rabbit ear,
So, at home I watched cable,
And, dined on my coffee table,
While, drinking bottles and bottles of beer.