FROSTBITE, MY WINTER FRIEND

Frostbite was my winter friend,

It made my fingers numb,

But, when I stayed out in the cold too long, 

My family called me dumb,

Now, frostbite has never derided me,

Nor, been real hostile to make me feel bad,

Just because I'm the only one who cannot ski,

Except for great, great, great, great granddad,

Now, frostbite caused me to lose an arm,

Along with both rows of toes,

When I was found they said I had about bought the farm,

Then, they cut off my puggy nose,

I'm not sure all that knifery was needed,

I'm not a doctor, I just love a good dare,

And, while cutting me cleanliness was not heeded,

So, I bid farewell for wellness I didn't fare.    

I SCARE MY DOG WITH AIDA BY VERDI LIMERICK

My dog has become quite the scaredy,
He hides when I play Aida by Verdi,
As the trumpet march solo begins,
My dog's on needles and pins,
Then I step to an opera march parody. 

CURSED

Everyone always tells me that life is easy as a breeze,

But I'm always living with war, petulance, famine and disease,

Maybe I have gloomy rhymes,

But I'm always living in real bad times,

Whatever evil spirit cursed me, I wish I could appease.

CEDAR SWAMP BROOK TROUT LIMERICK

Today I decided to lounge all about,
And go fishing for some little bitty brook trout,
I took my pick,
From a cedar swamp crick,
Tasting piney; I washed them down with stout.

THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption so at the end I won't whine.

THE BIGFOOT AT MY TRAILER DOOR

A Bigfoot knocked on my trailer door,
When I didn’t let him in he gave off a roar,
I made him bacon and eggs,
He still broke my legs,
Those Bigfoots make me real soar.

MY BLOG IS ALL POOPY

I blog about this, I blog about that,

I know I've been blogging too long, when I blog about scat,

Because nobody cares,

About the poop from the bears,

Or the texture of guano from a bug eating bat.

THE CLOUD COMPUTING LIMERICK

I'm computing way up in a cloud,
It's the new thing and I'm feeling new-proud,
But I worry each day,
If I'm one click away,
Of my info sent far and made loud. 

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MARTY THE DANCING POOCH

Marty was a dancing pooch,
He would dance but demanded hooch,
For imported ale,
He’d just wag his tail,
For bourbon he’d dance hootchy-kootch.

THE BALLAD OF BUGSY LEE

Bugsy Lee liked to drive too fast,
His car slid off the road,
He hit a tree and skinned his knee,
And, scared away a toad.

Bugsy got a real big fine,
He ended up in court,
His big fine he could not pay,
He owed too much child support.

When Bugsy Lee ended up in jail,
He realized he couldn't win,
He spent his life as he willed,
So, all he did was sin.

In jail Bugsy met a guy named Stan,
He was Bugsy's only friend,
They talked a lot about their past,
Bugsy got it in the end.

THE THREE WISE WATERMELONS?

Three watermelons sat in one garden spot,
They were out in the sun and wow was it hot,
To cool down one used a lotion,
Another moved to the ocean,
The third got skin disease and rind rot.

BUSY BEAVERS STOP FISH MIGRATION (NOT)

Two busy beavers built a really big dam,

Right on the river where all migrant fish swam,

The dam fit real tight,

But, couldn't withstand dynamite,

Local rangers blew the dam up: Bam! Bam! Bam!!!

FOOD FOR THE WORMS

Most people believe it's wrong to be sad,

That we each have a purpose and for that, to be glad,

Each positive Pete with his bloated ego,

Thinks their purpose in life is all happy, no woe,

They believe they'll do good, curing famine, disease,

They'll do good works, and the masses they'll please,

But observing the facts the way that we should,

We evolved for a purpose, neither bad nor real good,

Most of our lives we sleep and we eat,

Turning our bodies into big bags of meat

Alas, we must come to the terrible terms, 

The reason we exist is to be food for the worms.

I THANK MY BANK LIMERICK

I went to the bank to modify my home loan,
I was offered an ink pen, a coffee, a scone,
Although, many papers I signed,
A few weeks later I'd find,
My interest rate and my debts had both grown.

WORM MOON

There was the big old Worm Moon hanging in the sky,

From above my head to the horizon, the little stars would fly,

There the Worm Moon stood as the winter waned,

All dark dimpled, its surface stained,

Till from the edge of the earth the daylights pry.

A LEPRECHAUN RODE HIS GOOSE TO TOWN

A leprechaun rode his goose to town,

His goose to town,

His goose to town,

A Leprechaun rode his goose to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his bunny to town,

His bunny to town,

His bunny to town,

A leprechaun rode his bunny to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his turkey to town, 

His turkey to town,

His turkey to town,

A leprechaun rode his turkey to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his hamster to town,

His hamster to town,

His hamster to town,

A leprechaun rode his hamster to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his lamb to town,

His lamb to town,

His lamb to town,

A leprechaun rode his lamb to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his tuna to town,

His tuna to town,

His tuna to town,

A leprechaun rode his tuna to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his chicken to town,

His chicken to town,

His chicken to town,

A leprechaun rode his chicken to town,

To the leprechaun party,

 

A leprechaun rode his goat to town,

His goat to town,

His goat to town,

A leprechaun rode his goat to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his turtle to town,

His turtle to town,

His turtle to town,

A leprechaun rode his turtle to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his chipmunk to town,

His chipmunk to town,

His chipmunk to town,

A leprechaun rode his chipmunk to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his gopher to town,

His gopher to town,

His gopher to town,

A leprechaun rode his gopher to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his parrot to town,

His parrot to town,

His parrot to town,

A leprechaun rode his parrot to town,

To the leprechaun party,

A leprechaun rode his black bear to town,

His black bear to town,

His black bear to town,

A leprechaun rode hs black bear to town,

And, the bear ate everyone at the party.

I'VE GONE FERAL

I've gone feral, living in these woods, 

I really fit in with the feral brotherhoods,

I walk on all fours,

My paws won't open doors,

I eat only fresh meat, not dry goods.

A POEM FOR ALL SEASONS

When I blow snow,

Away it will go,

I might be paid doe,

To buy a me a hoe,

For the garden, you know,

To keep the weeds low,

To make pickles grow,

So my plants don't feel woe,

Next, tie my shoes with a bow,

And the lawn I must mow,

Then I'll jump in my dingy and row, row, row, row.

DEEP IN THE FOREST I SAT

Deep in the forest was where I sat,

I had been ate by a bear and that was that,

I was now just a big pile of wet bear scat,

The bear had piled me tall because I was real fat,

Soon to be absorbed by the thick forest mat.

REAL ESTATE DELIVERED VIA USPS

I bought sight unseen an acre of land,

When I asked where it was I was told it had been canned,

My rented room filled with canned dirt the next day,

It cost me a fortune to haul it away,

Then, I bought beach property and got boxes of sand.