COMPOST PILE FIRES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

My compost pile caught fire and burned down my garden shack,
Now when I'm done working I have no place to put tools back,
So, my tools lay in the yard,
Getting rusty, crusty hard.
And, I cannot replace them because the finances I lack.

CRAYONS AND NUCLEAR WAR, WITH POODLES NOODLES AND KIDS

We have a nuclear war and I've bought some noodles,

I can feed half my kids and all my pet poodles,

You know it's no vacation, 

Dying from radiation,

On the walls the kids crayon some doodles.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

THIS LITTLE PIGGY

This little piggy went to sleep,
His girlfriend dumped him and called him a creep,
A second little piggy went all the way home,
His wife gave him an ultimatum and said he couldn't roam,

The third little piggy stayed out all night,
Drinking and carousing and doing what is not right,
The piggy befriended a wolf and they became really tight,
The third little piggy vanished right out of sight,

If you are a little piggy you had best behave,
Or a wolf's stomach will become your nasty grave,
Don't be a creep, a drunk or hang out at the bar,
Stay home with your loved ones and you'll be their bright star.

THE TALE OF THE TURTLE, THE ONION AND THE BEAR

One day a large turtle was crawling along in the forest crushing all the plants in his path. Suddenly, out of no where, there came a high pitched shout, “Stop, Stop, Oh please stop oh great and mighty turtle”.

The turtle stopped abruptly and asked “Who is telling me, the great turtle of the forest to stop?”

“It’s me,” a little voice squeaked. I am the onion plant that is right in front of you and I don’t want to be crushed when you go over me.”

“Well little onion plant,” said the turtle, “I do not know why I should spare you but, I guess I can step aside and change my course slightly so I do not crush you.”

The little onion plant was so happy that he cried out with joy “Oh thank you, thank you or great and wonderful turtle. And for sparing my life, I will always be here to save you from your enemies>“

The turtle smirked a bit and said, “It‘s all well and good that you think you can save me from my enemies but, here in this forest no animal can get to me through my hard, protective shell. In fact, the only animals that can tear apart my shell and get to me are the bears and they are trapped on the other side of the river. They can never get across to this side because the current is just too fast.” With that, the large turtle continued on his way leaving the little onion plant unharmed.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm. A torrent of water rushed down the river and away the dirt from under the roots of a giant tree. With no dirt left to anchor the roots, the mighty tree fell all the way across the river leaving a large solid bridge for the animals to cross over to the other side. There was one particular bear that noticed the new bridge. This bear had a fondness for turtle meat. He liked turtle meat so much that he had eaten every single turtle on his side of the river. The bear decided that he might find a turtle or two on the other side so he quickly made his way across the tree bridge.

Once on the other side of the bridge, the bear had no problem finding the large turtle that thought he was safe on his side of the river. When the turtle saw the bear coming the turtle quickly scurried away into the forest with the bear in close pursuit. It wasn’t long before the turtle came across the little onion he had spared a few weeks earlier. “Why are you in such a hurry?” the little onion asked the turtle.

“A tree fell across the river and now there is a bear on this side and he is hunting me. I don’t know what to do,” answered the turtle.

“Nibble a little bit off the top of my stem,” the onion said insistently.

“But I’m not hungry,” protested the turtle, “and besides, I’ve got to start running again or the bear is going to eat me.”

“If you want to quit running and get rid of the bear, nibble a little bit off the end of my green shoot. It will hurt but, I can always grow back another shoot but, I can’t grow back my friend.”

The turtle did as he was told. The stem tasted kind of hot and when the bear was right on top of the turtle and about to pounce, the turtle opened up his mouth and let the smell of onion breath hit the bear right in the face. The bear jumped back away from the turtle. “You stink. I couldn’t eat anything that smells as bad as you do,” the bear said in disgust as he walked away.

After that the turtle realized that he had a very good friend in the little green onion. Meanwhile, the bear returned back to his side of the river and told all the other bears there that the turtles on the other smelled so bad that they could not be eaten. After that, no bear ever ventured over to the other side of the river.

TIME IS NOT KIND

Time is not kind,
It brings no peace of mind,
Your muscles go gooey slack,
And there is that sharp pain in the back,
Your body is ready for an archeologist find,

For display in a museum on a rack.

DRIED, FLAKE POTATOES HAIKU

Dried, flake, potatoes,
Too dry, too wet, not good, bet,
Garbage, bread, easy.

JIMMY IS NO FISHERMAN

Jimmy used a jitterbug to try to catch a pike,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was his older brother Spike,
Jimmy used a silver spoon to try to catch a crappie,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was the ear of his old pappy,
Jimmy used a plastic worm to try to catch a bass,
But, the only thing that Jimmy hooked was his cousin's giant mass,
Jimmy used a squirrel-tail to try to catch a trout,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was Jimmy's great big snout.     
Now, Jimmy uses a coupon to purchase fish and fries,
Because if Jimmy keeps on fishing then, everybody dies. 

MY GOLDFISH NAMED BUGZY

I once bought a goldfish named Bugzy,
He really liked to kiss and hugzy,
He romanced my wife,
That ruined my life,
So I skinned him and made a fish rugzy. 
 

THE ZOMBIES

Zombies tend to snore a lot because they have no brains,

They attempt to fill the spaces sucking air with heaving pains,

 But, zombies do not snore all night,

To get brains they just need to bite,

Of course they cannot bite each other because that's what zombie law ordains,

Now, most zombies have lots of human friends,

And, the zombie decides when that friendship ends,

 The friendship ends mostly over lunch,

When the friend's skull gets a crunch,

Of course, once the friend's skull is crunched upon the friendship never mends.

PUDDING ON THE BASKET

Rich had pudding on his basket,

He did not know how it got there,

It tasted like tapioca,

With a trace of pear,

Rich had pudding on his bicycle,

He did not know how it got there,

It had features of a squishy Smores,

Except it had some hair.

RUG RASH AND BITE

I got a rash and an itch when I fell asleep on my rugs,

It seems my rugs are all filled with big, biting bugs,

They ate all my blood, my sweat, and my tears,

They even consumed the wax in my ears,

They ate up my whole body, so don't bother with hugs.

A LIMERICK MADE A BANKER LOOK BAD

A limerick made a banker look bad,
But, the banker got even not mad,
He took the limerick man’s house,
Bankrupted his spouse,
Now, the limerick man’s homeless and sad.

THE TRAGEDY THAT BEFELL MY BUD BRAD LIMERICK

It is extremely sad,
The tragedy that befell my bud Brad,
He ate angel food cake,
Then drowned in a lake,
Seems you are what you eat and that’s bad.

THAT RUBBER BAND SMELL

Stevie did not understand,

Why I smelled like a rubber band,

He was so disgusted one night,

He left me with air flight,

To places sunny, where he could get tanned.

WOOD STOVE TOP, HOT IRON HAIKU

Wood stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, poison..

PARDON MY FISH

On my fish stringer there were fish that were without hope,
They splash around on the stringer, I guess that's how they cope,
It's like they're asking for a pardon,
But, my heart has to harden,
And, to free my dinner I just have to say, nope.

THE BAT AND MY POTATO SKINS

I fried my potato skins in butter and beer,

I did not have too many so each skin was real dear,

But, over flew a big bat,

He dropped guano in my vat,

So I threw my skins out the door at the rear.

THE POGO-STICK AND THE ELEPHANT BULLY

I think that it is a real bunch of bunk,
That an elephant stuck my pogo-stick way up his trunk,
Now my day is a complete flopper,
Because of that pogo trunk-hopper,
One hop crushed my stick down to  a pile of just junk. 

The elephant sneezed my pogo-stick free,
It was in so many pieces I just let it be,
So I will end my sad story,
The elephant was not sorry,
He laughed teary-eyed until he couldn't see. 

A BEAR NAMED FLUFFY

There once was a bear named Fluffy,
She thought of herself as a toughie,
But when bitten by bees,
She fell from the trees,
Now her body is swollen and puffy.