THE HOUSE WARMING

My woodstove was in a really bad spot,
It was in the library with books and that lot,
Well my yard looks really neat,
The house burnt up quite complete,
All that’s left is the wood stove and pot.

HUNTING LEACHES FROM A PERCH

The leach knew he was in a lurch,

When the raven flew down from his perch,

But, a breeze full of smog,

Filled the bird's view with fog,

Then, the raven failed in his search.

THREE GEESE WENT TO A PARTY

Three geese went to a party,
They had too much to drink,
They picked a fight with three bad skunks,
And, really made a stink,

Three geese were taken to the jail,
For starting a big fight,
Because they were geese they had no bail,
This gave the judge delight,

The judge offered the geese jail for a year,
Or they could be hung off the big willow,
Or the gesse could leave court without a fear,
For the fine of one feather pillow,

The three geese sit in their little pond,
Naked and shivering cold,
Leaving the pond to drink and party,
Was just a little too bold,

Maybe, it's best to find adventure at home,
And, play video games and fish,
Maybe, they should not leave and roam,
Just trade cable for a new dish.

DERRICK AND HIS PET HAMSTER LIMERICK

Derrick kept a hamster for a pet,
The hamster was unstable and acted real upset,
It bit Derrick on the thumb,
His thumb swelled like a plumb,
Derrick decided a different pet he should get.

BLUE RIBBON ART BY MARVIN

Marvin threw up; we all took pity

But he thought his vomit looked real pretty,

He took it to an art show,

And what would you know,

Marvin won blue ribbon for his statement being witty.

I Fear A Big Boohoo, In Year 2022

When I look ahead of me,

Just confusion do I see,

2022,

Looks all askew,

Can't wait till it's 2023.

TO A MOUSE REVISITED AND REVISED

While digging in my garden,
I came across a mouse,
But, unlike old Robert Burns,
I loved to destroy his house,

Old Burns loved the mousey,
Felt sorry for his lot,
I might like the mousey too,
If I didn’t know his plot,

The little mouse sneaks in my house,
He contaminates my food,
He leaves behind his raisons,
I think that’s awfully rude,

The mouse runs across my bedding,
He fills it all with lice,
I itch and scratch and wheeze all night,
And, pay an awful price,

Robert Burns thought that mice were fine,
He felt guilt and didn't wish them ill ,
Burns made peace with all in “Auld Lang Syne”,
With mice I know I never will,

They can send all the mice to Scotland,
To stay with Robert Burns,
He’s out on cemetery road,
With the statues and the urns.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2022

At the stroke of midnight we were done,🔔

Into the past sank 2021,🎶🎶🎤

Now to struggle through,🍻🍺🍸🍸🍷🍺🍸🍸🍷🍷

The New Year, 2022,🌄

Hoping this year has less clouds and more sun.🎊🎉

MY HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT: FURNACE INSTALLATION

I installed my new furnace and gave it a lite,
Then I laid down and slept sound through the night,
But, I almost died,
From carbon monoxide,
It seems I did not install my furnace quite right.

A CRAWDAD GRABBED ME BY MY BIG TOE

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe,
He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe,
But, with my new shotgun,
I just knew I had won,
The crawdad and toe vaporized with one blow.

SHERRY WAS A BOXED CHICKEN

Sherry my chicken, I put in a box,
To avoid my catching the chickenpox,
The box was an oven,
I broiled her with lovin',
And, garnished her with bright holly hocks.

THE BALLAD OF HAPPY PARKER, MAN OF THE SOUTH

Parker liked eating possum,

He baked it in his pie,

Parker liked his possum sandwiches,

On whole wheat bread, never rye,

Parker had the hiccups,

Parker had the farts,

Parker couldn't play baseball,

But was really good at darts,

Parker had a brother,

He smelled like fishy-trout,

Parker threw him in the river,

The gators ate his belly out,

Parker had six daughters,

Parker had an apple tree,

His daughters made apple wine for him,

So Parker was happy.

HOW I FEEL IN 2021

I feel like a drop of pee,

Floating in a turd filled sea,

No one really cares for me,

Because I smell like last night's tea,

Flush the toilet, set me free.

I WANTED TO GET ME SOME MEATS

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats,

So I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats,

But the burgers were so rare,

They weren't even there,

I guess the burger maker had sampled some treats.

PORK MAKES THE BEST BACON

I tried to make bacon by curing some eel,
But, the taste was lacking of any appeal,
I tried curing some snake,
The taste was too bad to take,
Only pork tastes like bacon that's real.

BUSY JAY JAY

Jay looked to the east,

Jay looked to the west,

jay chewed on grass,

Passed major gas,

Everyday, all day long, Jay sat on his nest.

THE DIET OF MY PORT BELLIED PIG PAL

The best friend I have is a port bellied pig,

He drinks only port wine and it makes him real big,

He eats mashed potatoes too,

He gravies them with paper glue,

He eats berries if they're shiny blue,

He likes to chew on auto parts but, only if they're new.

MY GUPPY HAD BABIES

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see,

She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity,

The babies move slow,

But, they'll be safe and can grow,

For mamas are hungry and can get quite naughty.  

TRANCING OFF WORLD

I had a friend who was a trancer,

She'd drink vinegar as a trance enhancer,

I knew she was way off world,

When her lower lip curled,

And, her left eyeball became a dancer. 

TICK SICK

Lots of people are getting the sicks,

Because they're being bitten by little ticks,

Of course gasoline, 

Got me really clean, 

But I should of stayed away from lit candle wicks.🚬