OLIVER INSIST

Oliver was always trying to insist,
To eat the things not on his diets list,
His body was so round,
His health was unsound,
He didn't listen to his nutritionist.

Oliver thought his gorging was nifty,
But he never saw his birthday at fifty,
Still, under the ground,
His appetite's sound,
He smells fast food when the wind's a bit shifty.

CLYDE THE SPIDER AGAIN?

Clyde was a spider who ate only flies,
He dressed for lunch in suits and bow ties,
He ate all his meals,
Leaning back on his heals,
Table manners was his despise.

THE GRIM REAPER COMES IN DEEP SLEEP LIMERICK

Willie was not a very deep sleeper,
For he feared an encounter with the grim reaper,
If awake he could stay,
He felt he could run away,
Dreams bondage gives souls to death’s keeper.

RAINY, RAINY, RAIN LIMERICK

Rainy, rainy, rain,
The universe has found its drain,
The outdoors smells wet and rank,
Like an overflowed septic tank,
Spring showers bring depression and pain.

MY DOBERMAN IS A SICKIE.

I once had a Doberman named Nicky,
His name online was Nicky Ickey,
He had pictures of steak bones’
And dog bowls colored all tones,
And my burned shrubs which I thought was sickie.

A RATTLESNAKE WANTED A BEER

A rattlesnake wanted a beer,
I told him to go bite a deer,
He bit me instead,
Now I am half dead,
He drank the beer that was here.

A RAT MIXED HIS WHISKEY AND BEER

A rat mixed his whiskey and beer,
Next day he felt that death was near,
So, he admitted to his wife,
His adultrous second life,
He sobred and had something to fear.

JEFFREY LIKED TO SPOON LIMERICK

Jeffrey liked to sleep until noon,
Then at night he liked to spoon,
He was kissing a girl named Mary,
But, her lips were so hairy,
He thought he was kissing a raccoon.

MY GIRLFRIEND COULD NOT TAKE HER EYES OFF OF ME

Susie was my sweetheart,
She had big eyes of blue,
The only problem Susie had,
Was she had more eyes than two,

I always felt like I was being watched,
Embarrassed, my face turned red,
Susie watched every move I made,
With those eyes in the back of her head,

Susie had a nice personality,
And, her virtue was quite sound,
But, she complained about my every move,
Without even turning around,

Finally, I ditched Susie,
I decided though I hadn’t said,
My next girl will be a floozy,
With no eyes at all on her head.

A LITTLE BABY FISH

There once was a little baby fish,
Growing bigger was his only wish,
He ate like a pig,
He got really big,
‘Till he became a fisherman’s dish

WILLIE GOES OUT INTO THE SNOW LIMERICK

Willie goes out into the snow,
He is buried because of how hard it blow,
But where melting snow drips,
He finds tasty parsnips,
Now Willie does not want to go.


Willie loves his parsnips,
He digs them from under the snow,
Parsnips are a winter crop,
Or when you’re low on dough.

Some people like parsnips and butter,
Others like parsnips with cheese,
Some like parsnips with vinegar and salt,
You can eat them however you please.

SIR DIRK AND HIS ARMOR

There once was a knight named Sir Dirk,
Dragon fighting was his life’s work,
He wore too much tin,
‘Cause he wanted to win,
Fire-breather’s roasted the jerk.

THE INHERITED NOSE OF JEETER

Jeeter had a nose so pronounced,
It weighed a pound if it weighed an ounce,
And, genetics are not fun,
Jeeter’s nose was on his son,
Off his nose a basketball he could bounce.

THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN WIDOW MAKER

In Northern Michigan there is a soul taker,
It is commonly known as the old widow maker,
It falls down from the tall trees,
It brings it's victims to their knees,
Making rich the Michigan undertaker.

GOVERNOR SNEAKERS: THE 2012 FORESHADOWING LIMERICK

Governor Sneakers liked a good bribe,
He ran for Governor to enrich his own tribe,
He worked for only the elite,
He talked up any deceit,
And, running for President he feels a good vibe.

A GIRL NAMED PAM

I was in love with a girl named Pam,
She ran off with a farmer named Sam,
They have a pig farm,
The smell is a charm,
They've grown fat on their bacon and ham.

When Pam ran off I was a quitter,
I got better by being real bitter,
I donate my blood,
And get wasted on Bud,
And spend most of my time on the Twitter.

THERE WAS A BIG MAN FROM TOLEDO

There was a big man from Toledo,
He liked to wear a black Tuxedo,
But, when he sat down,
He riped it all round
So now he just wears a black speedo.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED JANE

There was a leprechaun named Jane,
She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain,
She sold sports cars,
Saved gold in quart jars,
And, made rainbows after each rain.

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SARAH

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED JAKE

I knew a leprechaun named Jake,
He only ate banana cake,
If the cake looked nice,
He’d pay any price,
Jake should have learned how to bake.

SAINT PATRICKS DAY HAIKU

First Holiday Spring,
St. Patricks Day, parades, more,
Celebrate the gree.

SOMEONE MIXED TOMATO JUICE WITH THEIR BEER LIMERICK

Someone mixed tomato juice with their beer,
They had to drink it 'cause money was dear,
It tasted just fine,
A bit like red wine,
But, the vomit tasted awfully queer.

SALLY WAS A BEAUTY QUEEN LIMERICK

Sally was a remarkable beauty queen,
Her skin had the most fantastical sheen,
All men had a lovers brain,
What she was paid was insane,
Her body was nice but, her brain cells were clean.

MARCH/SPRING HAIKU

Thinking Spring, bird tweets,
Winter returns, cold, harsh, storm,
Bird tweets?  Bird goes burr!!!!

COUNTY CORK LIMERICK

I wrote a limerick about County Cork,
It involed eight Irishmen eating pork,
Their wives ate lots of pig,
Then they all danced a jig,
And all watched for an incomming stork.

I WAS WITH A GIRL NAMED IZZY

I was in love with a girl named Izzy,
When I asked her out she was real busy,
I thought I had tarried,
Because Izzy got married,
But, maybe Izzy was just really dizzy.

MS MERTLE AND HER CAREER AMBITIONS

MS Mertle is a toilet installer,
She once was a finish drywaller,
She went to a toilet college,
To gain a great deal of knowledge,
She'd like to be an ice road truck hauler.

MY DAD AND HIS COON HOUND

My dad had a coon hound,
It was a vicious dog of prey,
It was a creature that was unbound,
It hunted night and day,

My dad was a terrible shot,
He never could shoot straight,
It is good for my starving family’s lot,
The coon hound got its rate,

The coon hound found the duck and quail,
The coon hound spied the deer,
The coon hound found the rabbit without fail,
And when the DNR was near.

*

POOR RIPPY AND HIS SNORT

Rippy liked to take a snort,
Of his homemade wine,
He drank it when he woke-up,
And, every time he’d dine,

One day he ran out of homemade brew,
He felt panic from mind to sash,
He had no tension deliberator,
He could not buy any without some cash,

Poor Rippy had a mental breakdown,
It seems his mind was made of mash,
In a soft cell Rippy sits in a gown,
Against the walls his head he doth bash.

GASOLINE PRICES

Because gasoline prices are going way up,
I have no money on which to sup,
I'll sell my blood,
Borrow from my best bud,
Still, I can't buy  coffee for my cup. 

MARNIE PUT OUT FOR INSPECTION

Marnie put out for close inspection,
Her entire mint stamp collection,
It was a high value estate,
That she would share with a mate,
I decided to give Marnie my full affection.

ANDY GOT THRILLS FROM KOSHER DILLS-Limerick

Andy ate only kosher dills,
Only kosher dills gave Andy thrills,
He once ate a sweet pickle,
That put Andy in a fickle,
He broke out with hives and had chills,

WERIDO PSYCHIC GETS DUMPED BY GIRLFRIEND LIMERRICK

Weirdo, weirdo can you see all,
Or are your psychic scenes a stall,
Is there a chance?
Your mind is full of romance,
When she dumped you, you didn’t see the fall.

BETSY THE RELIABLE

Betsy, late for work,
Missed buss again, walk too far,
Called in sick again.

Betsy's schedule is very pliable,
She is late and calls in sick a lot,
However,Betsy is so reliable,
You can rely that at work she is not.

MY HEART IS AN ACHING VALINTINE

My heart is an aching valentine,
My girlfriend left me so now I wine,
I'm no good at romance,
But, thought I'd take a chance,
I found love at the bar now I'm fine.

VALENTINES DAY LIMERICK

Well today is Valentines Day,
And, I’ve got something to say,
Forget flowers and candy,
Just bring me some brandy,
The day seems much brighter that way.

TIREMARY, MARY AND HER DAIRY

Mary, Mary liked her dairy,
She liked eggs,ice cream and cheese,
She could eat ice cream by the gallon,
And yet, Mary would never freeze,

Mary, Mary would never tarry,
To fill an omelette with melted cheese,
For to serve an omelette without it,
To Marry was a really cheap tease,

Mary, Mary dated a guy named Barry,
Who was allergic to all dairy foods,
But, every single meal was really scary,
So, Mary dumped Barry for healthier dudes.

FRANK LIKES MUCK

Frank likes to go swimming in lakes full of muck,
That's where he'll go swimming with any luck,
He likes the muck squishing between his toes,
And, any where else the squishy muck goes,
Someday he'll sink down and get stuck.

PAULA WAS AN INCH WORM

Paula was an inch worm who really liked to play,
She inched around on her belly every day,
Then, along came her dad,
He said Paula was bad,
He said she din't measure up any way.

THE PROBLEM WITH NOSE SLUGS

The problem with nose slugs as you all know,
Is you must pick and pull at them or they won't go,
They don't come out on their own,
Until they're full grown,
By then they've crawled way down below.

THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT LIMERICK

This is called the year of the rabbit,
I have to break my rabbit hunt habit,
So, I’ll go hunting for squirrel,
Though their taste makes me hurl,
If I see a hare I think I will nab it.

THE SUN ALSO SURPRISES

Each morning you wait for the light of day,
You think that the sun always rises,
But, what if that daybreak never comes,
Then, you’ll know the sun also surprises,

Maybe you’re an old Hemingway buff,
You think there’s light on the other side,
But, if you are a Shakespeare buff,
It’s ok if your main character died.













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MY GIRLFRIEND IS CRAZY

My girlfriend is crazy,
She says that I am lazy,
I try to work,
But, I'm a jerk,
I just want a big raizy.

THE WOOD STOVE FAILURE

When you’re living in a trailer,
You can have a wood stove failure,
Cramming in wood just more and more,
Til fire rolls out on the floor,
Then, you’re running out the door,
And, your trailer is no more.

RICH GIRLFRIEND HAIKU

Need rich girlfriend,
I play computer games, drink,
Need money for both.

THE NEW YEAR RECESSION LIMERICK

Now it is again January first,
We hope for good but, fear the worst,
Things aren't so sunny,
In a world with no money,
I'm afraid the world is cursed.

A GREEN MAN'S LAMENT

I use to sell pretty flowers and shrubs,
But, my business was overrun with grubs,
Grub poison is never free,
It was too expensive for me,
So, I burned up the green stuff in tubs.

SANTA BOUGHT A CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa bought a cheap sleigh made of plastic,
He thought the cost savings were simply fantastic,
But, the sleigh would not steer,
Into trees it would steer,
Santa switched sleighs to do something drastic.

OH CROOKED MIGHTY CHRISTMAS TREE

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
Why did I cut one so tall,
You broke the light in the foyer,
And gouged the walls up in the hall,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
What a crooked trunk have thee,
I paid fifty bucks you see,
When by looks you should be free,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
You fell over with a crash,
Now grandma's favorite ornaments,
Are sitting in the trash,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
Just give me one good reason,
Why I shouldn't throw you out the door?
And have a happy holiday season.

HANGING CUPBOARDS HAIKU

Hang, kitchen cupboards,
Screws short, unsecured, crash,
Dishes, glass breaking.