GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,

It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,

Now, just a zombie remains,

As Gregg seeks other's brains,

He should settle for some chips and some beers.
 

FROM: THE LIVING BAIT FISHERMAN

Minnow bucket full,
Too many, no breath, tragedy,
Error, no live bait.

BERT GOT GORED IN THE KEIST LIMERICK

Bert had a big buck chase him through the dell,
He tried to cry out but his throat would not yell,
Bert got gored by the beast,
Through the lower part of his keist,
Why he sits on his knees he won’t tell.

A NANTUCKET LIMERICK

Sometimes you feel you should write rhymes with Nantucket,
I thought so today and then I said "Duck It",
Who likes the East anyway?
I will visit not stay,
I'd rather be home with my beer in a bucket.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE BUILDING CODE LIMERICK

Sammy's sandcastle was not built to code,
He ignored the inspectors and didn't strengthen the load,
The load did not bear,
The sand fell everywhere,
Now, Sammy lives under the bridge in the road.

I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
They'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course unseen.

STUBED BIG TOE HAIKU

Stubed big toe,pain,ouch!
Coffee table TV close,
Furniture makes move.

A LIMERICK ABOUT NOEL

Noel's breath smelled like his sweaty toes, 

And that was the very least of his woes,

His spaceships would never fly,

His car batteries would mostly die,

And no one made him noodles shaped like bows.

RUSS AND HIS GOLD TOOTH LIMERICK

Russ had a front tooth that was gold,
Russ would smile and display his tooth bold,
A thief punched Russ in the face,
The tooth fell out of place,
The thief took the tooth to be sold.

THE WIND BLEW DOWN ALL THE TREES

The wind blew down all the trees,
It brought big men down on their knees,
The great thunder popped,
The windstorm stopped,
Then you could walk where you pleased.

MORRIS THE GANGSTER HAD ONE PRETTY SHOE

Morris had a pretty shoe,

He had only one, but needed two,

So he planted his shoe deep,

Then two shoes he did reap,

And both Morris wears around with his crew.

LARD LOST HIS CHARD

It hailed upon my head so hard,

It made me puke up my Swiss chard,

They was diet greens

To untighten my jeans,

So I'd no longer have the moniker, "Lard".

BEWARE THE GNOMES

If you walk by a house with gnomes in the yard,
Then you'd better walk faster and be on your guard,
For gnomes have but one goal,
It is to steal your poor soul,
And, eat your flesh which they cook till it's chard.

A MARTIAN'S ADVICE FOR A LONG LIFE LIMERICK

A Martian landed on earth,
He had a gigantic girth,
He said, “Earthlings are so skinny,
That’s why your life spans are mini,
Martians live about one million years from birth."

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

THE PURPLE TEARDROP OF BLOOD

I bought a trinket to wear dangled downed,

It was a purple teardrop, at a rummage sale found,

But when I pierced it through my nose,

I got blood on my cloths,

Now I am hospital bound.

PETS NOT AND SNOT

The ground was all frosty, and Benny's nose filled with snot,

It was a day dear Benny, wished he had forgot,

For a big tired truck,

Hit Benny's pet duck,

For pets, Benny was now a have not.

A PANCAKE GRIDDLE NAMED FRED

There once was a pancake griddle named Fred,
Old Fred made pancakes from breakfast till bed,
Then, real late one spring afternoon,
Fred fell in love with a young batter spoon,
Soon the old griddle and the young spoon were wed.

MY TARDY PAYMENTS LIMERICK

My payments on my credit cardy,

Gain me late fees for I am often tardy,

And, though on debts I muse,

Still in the end just loose,

Just wish my paycheck was a bit more hardy.

 

I'D TILL THE PLACE UNDER IF MY TILLER HAD TINES

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I'd till the place under if my tiller had tines.