DINNER FOR ONE (When A Loner Eats Alone)

The meat from the can was supposed to be pork,

But, it was real chewy and tasted like cork,

So, I took a glug of my drink,

Which made my gums bleed and eyes blink,

And, the meat ran away with my fork.

JENNY FAKED CAKE

Jenny said she'd bake a scratch cake,

But, it came from a box and thus was a fake,

The frosting came from a can,

What a big fake cake plan,

And, her bragging was more than I could just take.
 

THE HALLOWEEN LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

An evil leprechaun named Kinderbean,
Went trick and treating each Halloween,
He would steal candy bars,
He'd soap up windshields on cars,
And, in many more ways he was mean.

BARKLEY THE BUFFALO

Barkley was a buffalo,
He lived in Manistee,
And, everywhere that Barkley went,
He showed hostility,

Barkley tore up every bar,
He trampled people on the beach,
He showed road rage in his car,
His mind you could not reach,

Finally, they had to put Barkley down,
He was too dangerous and mean,
So, they chopped him up and made ground round,
Buffalo burger is really lean.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN III

My time machine broke down in the time of Ganges Khan,
It was a time where brains had no standing against brawn,
Khan was vicious and not real nice,
He spread plague infected lice,
I brought some back but, they escaped into my lawn.

All Alone Turkish March by Mozart

Lyrics by Leigh Collin Brandt, draft

All Alone I just sit in darkness, thinking all about you,

Like a stone, my heart is sinking for I dread a life alone,

In my head, I wish I'd not let you know that I could doubt you,

And I fear for all the things I said that I cannot atone, 

Still I know that I saw you kiss him with romantic passion,

And I felt as you embraced him you were pushing me away,

It made me feel like a habit that has fallen out of fashion,

Yet I still wish you'd return to me, when this night turns into day,

All alone I know I'll be sitting, as this darkness lasts forever,

No point in going out into a world that's grown ugly, cold

And my phone will lie lifeless, for it hears your sweet voice, never,

Only fading thoughts of yesterday, is the love I tightly hold.

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THERE WAS A SOUSE WITH A CAN OF BEANS OR, MY BROTHER TED

There was a souse with a can of beans,
My eldest brother Ted was his name,
He can do what he wants so long as the floor he cleans,
If he doesn’t then I’ll surely get the blame,

Ted is moving real slow because he was out all night,
I could punch him in the nose and he wouldn’t feel a thing,
I bet he’ll wander off as soon as I’m out of sight,
He’ll go to the bar where he can karaoke sing,

So mother’s tell your little devil child,
Not to do what Ted has done,
Ted just won’t grow up and forget being wild,
A guy like Ted is a terrible son.

SNAKES IN A TRAILER

Everyone knows the tale of old Ben Taylor,
For he had snakes inside his trailer,
There were menacing snakes of every type,
They all crawled in by his water pipe,

Ben was lying on his couch,
Beside his pipe and tobacco pouch,
The snakes surrounded him on the floor,
And, blocked his exit out the door,

It was time old Benny had to pay,
For he was a snake hunter in his day,
All over the earth he hunted the reptile,
He killed thousands with his guile,

The rattlesnake bit Benny on the knee,
The mamba bit his eyes so Benny couldn't see,
The cobra bit Benny as he struggled for the door,
The python gobbled Benny up when he fell on the floor,

The whole trailer was searched with hoes and with rakes,
But, no one ever found those nasty, nasty snakes,
Some say this story is nothing more than hype,
But, someone saw a cobra smoking old Benny's pipe.

TIGHTS ON A PIER

I went to the club and danced under the lights,

My eyes got all red, and everything was all brights,

I met someone dear,

We took a walk on the pier,

We found romance and got tights.

MY TETHER BALL IS STOLE

Someone stole my tether ball and left me just the string,

Now what am I supposed to do with just that stringy thing?

Do I play with it with passion?

Do I match cloths with it for fashion?

Maybe I'll buy a new tether ball, but I'll have to sell some bling.

THE EARLY CHRISTMAS TREE

I decided to get my Christmas tree early,

Because by Christmas they'll all be gone, surely,

I cut it down in the woods,

And against my outhouse it stoods,

But it lost the needles when the fall winds went whirly.

UNEMPLOYED AGAIN

I went to the boss over our earnings disparity,

He told me he didn't run a communist charity,

He said because I voiced a dislike,

I should go take a hike,

For complainers employed was a rarity.

I AM LEVER MAN

I gave the planet called world, a tremendous gift,

I invented the lever, now the world has some lift,

Now we can teeter and totter,

And drink lemon-lime water,

Until we're frozen and buried, in a real deep snow drift.

THE PIKE TOOK THE BLUEGILL BAIT

I went fishing for lunker bluegills at the bottom of the lake,

I knew a big fat earthworm was the bait that they'd take,

But along came a pike and the bluegills swam away,

And the pike grabbed my worm and I thought "happy day,"

But the pike's teeth cut my line, so he was never my prey. 

MY ROBOT'S NAME IS NED

My robot's name is Ned,

He's a help unless his battery goes dead,

He is average at checkers,

But, makes turkey-club double-deckers,

I keep him charged or the kids won't get fed.

SEAGULLS HAIKU

Seagulls, garbage sacks,

Rip, Tear, Pick, Peck, wind, big mess,

Labor, hours, BIRDS!!!

THE SMASHED HAND IN THE CAR DOOR HAIKU

Car door, closed, hand smashed,
Grave pains, suffering, scream, tears,
Bones broke, cast, woe me.

THE WEDDING CAKE LIMERICK

My cherry-chocolate wedding cake,

Took my aunt three days to make,

The frosting, divine,

Chased down with red wine,

And, the polka band increased intake.

TRENDING TUNA FISH

On trending media I found my wish, 

It was a recipe for baked tuna fish,

With all the spices galore,

It was hot, hot;  I want more,

But, the hot spices dissolved the glass dish.

DOCTOR SISTER DROOLS AND SLURPS AND BURPS AT LUNCH

I wish my sister would stop slurping and drooling,

For my lunch appetite is rapidly cooling,

At age 45,

She won't leave ma's hive,

Although sis has much advanced degree schooling.