MY DRAGON WAS A PICKY EATER

I use to have a dragon and all he'd eat was rice,

I tried to feed him noodles that I bought for half the price,

My dragon said the noodles were too oldie,

And, he'd get a bellyache if they were moldy, 

But one day, my dragon did eat potatoes with a side of french fried mice.

SAFETY FIRST: CHOCK YOUR TIRES

While offloading my pickup truck,

I did not chock my tires and had bad luck,

Because I didn't chock my tires,

The truck squashed me and my wires,

Now, absent my innards I can eat for a buck.

MY FROSTBITE WOE

Woe into me for I have frostbite, 

For I went there out with no gloves in the cold dead of night,

Then, I blew out one bad cough, 

And, all my fingers fell off,

Of course, they never were on very tight.

I WENT TO THE CIRCUS TO SEE DUNDER THE CLOWN

I went to the circus to see Dunder the clown,
But, Dunder had just got back from a night-on-the-town,
And, Dunder the clown star,
Smashed up the clown car,
Dunder's clown-smile was now a clown-frown. 

I WENT TO EGYPT TO DIG UP A MUM

I went to Egypt to dig up a mum,

But, I stayed at a hotel and drank tankards of rum,

So, I let the mum be,

And, watched colored TV,

While chewing on a big wad of gum.

MAY

In May the seedlings upward sputter,

Above the bugs with wings, go flutter,

In the trees,

Peep open leaves,

On golf ball grass, I puts my putter.

MAY LIMERICK

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I till the place under if my tiller had tines.

BIGFOOT ATE MY BABIES AND MY MATE

A Bigfoot made a nest in the barn on my farm,

I did not believe it would cause any harm,

But when the Bigfoot eggs hatched out,

There were little Bigfoots all about,

When they ate the family that was cause for alarm.

NOEL'S IMMORTALITY FOUND BY APPROACHING LIGHT SPEED

Because the dreaded unknown conjures great fears,

Noel wanted to live for billions of years,

He came up with a plan,

To become an immortal man,

Gaining wealth while others were losing their tears, 

Noel sent rockets into outer space, 

Faster rockets was in Noel's plan, the base,

If fast enough they could go,

The future Noel would soon know,

Immortality exits in the future place.

I RENTED A COTTAGE

At 5'8" I hit my head on the stoop,

Then, I just started to recoup,

At a weight of pounds 144,

I fell through the bad floor,

And, went swimming in a basement full of poop.

SPRING: BUGS, SNAKES, EAGLES AND CAKES

Spring is when the bugs and snakes,

Wake up to hunt the foods each takes,

Melted highways will reveal their woe,

Revealing critters that moved much too slow,

Eagles feast on thawed meat cakes.  

ZELDA THREE BEAST

Zelda is the creature who I want to see the least,

Because, depending upon how I approach her she becomes a different beast,

From the front she is a tiger who will bite off all my face,

From the back she is a bear who will rip my guts out like fine lace,

From the sides she is a rattlesnake who will bite into my knee,

I think avoiding Zelda is the plan best laid out for me.

WHY MARS INVADES

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars,

I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars,

The Martian army was sent,

Because their king was quite bent,

Because I exported my tomatoes on out to the stars.

WHEN FANCY PANTS CAN'TS CAVORT

Jim's fancy pants were way too short,

So on the dance floor Jim couldn't cavort,

Too tight for friend, Willy,

The pants were deemed silly,

Jim was banned from the bar and the entire resort.

THE GLAD, THE BAD AND THE PEPPER TUSH LIMERICK

Two twin green peppers grew on a bush,
One got rotten and turned into mush,
The good pepper was glad,
That the other went bad,
Because that gave him more room for his tush. 

 

WHEN THE SPRINGS POP LIMERICK

George had two springs pop up in his bed,
One stabbed him in the back the other in the head,
George’s mind filled with doom,
So he ran from his bedroom,
A few more stabbings and he thought that he’d be dead.

THE BALLAD OF BILLY DEED

This is the story of Billy Deed,
He was in a giant pickle,
Billy Deed was a pickle seed,
He froze and became a pickle-sickle

In the spring when he thawed out,
He thought he'd get his chance,
But, a pickle seed when it's thawed out,
Is a favorite food of ants.

I FUNDED METER MARY'S RETIREMENT

Meter Mary had power to wield,

She left a time ticket upon my windshield,

For the time that I had was expired,

From that ticket Meter Mary retired, 

Investing in bonds that had a very high yield.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

THE SMELL OF THE SELF-STICKING STAMPS

The glue that was used on my self-sticking stamps,
Smelled kind of funny so I shared it with gramps,
Then, gramps gave it a lick,
And, I said "that's just sick,"
Then, old grandpa bent over with cramps.