SKILLS VS. BILLS

I went to a school to get me some skills,

But, the school just took all of my one dollar bills,

Now, it's worse than before,

I am even more poor,

And, can't afford my prescribed psycho pills.  

THE PONTOON VIKING

On my pontoon boat I went raiding with Vikings,

We plundered Russia, and England and France,

Now to the rough life I've taken the likings,

I drink mead with the vikings and dance,

My pontoon boat goes a bit faster,

Than the viking ships that are rowed across the seas,

But  sometimes I fear a disaster,

When I can't find my one set of keys,

We all get a share of the plunder,

But I'm never amongst the first ones on the shore,

Those that are receive spears, arrows then, hear thunder,

When, they awake in Valhalla with Thor,   

Of course my income is not very steady,

In truth, my pickings have always been lame,

But I'm keeping my pontoon gassed and ready,

To rejoin the viking plunderers' game.

 

 

THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Vanderbilt was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.

ASTRONAUT FLAGELLANT GAS

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses,

Which disturbed the gravitational masses,

So, they sent me out the airlock,

Where the supply ships come to dock,

Where I'll stay until all the disturbance passes.

ODE TO THE 100 ROCKBASS

100 rock bass were on the highway flopping, 

No vehicles showed respect by swerving or stopping,

So, as the fish were smeared over the road,

I composed them an ode,   

In rhythm to the rock bass bladders popping. 

JOHN'S COLORED GUN POWDER COLLECTION

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty,

He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty,

But, John's chosen display space,

Was over his wood-stove fireplace,

They found John's body but, just a bitty.

MY GROCER, HIGH PRICES AND ME

I went to the grocer but his prices were high,
I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly,
The grocer said, "my costs have gone wild,
I built a new mansion that's styled,
My builder gave me a similar reply."

ELECTION GOAL LIMERICK

Most in the press make the wrong assumption,
They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction,
But, just listen please,
People want an end to the sleaze,
No revolution, just an end to corruption.

THE BLUE SKY RAIN BLUES

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue,

There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue,

But, right overhead,

An air plane had just shed,

It's potty water, I rue.    

A VAMPIRE IN MY CARPET

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites,

I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites,

I went to my doctor and asked what had bitten me so bad,

He said they were baby vampires and, vampire bites was what I had, 

Then, I died and became a baby vampire living in carpet on the floor,

Now, I bite bare feet all day and live for nothing more,

It would not be so bad but, the bare feet most often smell,

So, I'm a baby vampire living in an aroma haunted hell. 

WATER UNDER THE MOP

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop,

So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop, 

But, the water seemed thick,

And, my floor tiles waned sick,

As floor tiles gave us a direction to pop. 

COFFEE RATS

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown,

And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown,

Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor,

Like feces, not to savor,

For a drink I have to give it thumbs down.

    

PREDICTABLE FARM

I did not spray the almond tree,

I did not wash the goose,

I did not pick the tomato worms,

I did not spay the spruce,

I think the corn is truly dread,

I think the squash yields are cruel,

But, I think measures should be left unsaid,

For, they are only a farmer's tool.

MACARONI AT DINNER'S BELL

If you want friends at dinner's bell,

Then, choose your macaroni well,

And, if you really want to please,

Use a tomato sauce and cheese,

Mama's secret that you can't tell.

THE FREE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION LIMERICK

My magazine subscriptions have run amok,

I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck,

Now, stress thoughts start to hover,

For my funds will not cover,

My mag bills; I'm such a dumb cluck.   

THE THEATERATRICA THEATER WAS TORN DOWN

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground,

Turned into pavement for the local dog pound,

And, all those memories stored,

Were destroyed board by board,

With all the talkies and movies without sound.

I RAN TO FIRST BASE

I went to the racetrack to watch others race,

I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace,

I raced in high school,

And, was a laughing stock tool,

So, I quit racing, joined the choir and sang base.

LIFE OF A FRESHMAN

For purposes around nights' mid,

We all carouse to feed our id,

We also binge eat,

Pizza with cheese/meat,

Sucking soda through plastic lid.

I STRUGGLED FOR DILL ON THE HILL

I struggled to get up the hill,

To pick me a sack full of dill,

For I had sour pickles to can,

And, bought dill was a ban,

For, I had no coin to pay at the till. 

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED TREE

Oh my pretty tree has fallen,

Now the fungi come a callin',

Fungi are aggressive dears,

Who grow big obtrusive ears,

While fungi sup I will be ballin'. 

THE MASTER OF THE SING-SONG TAP

I once was a masterful dancer of tap,

My best work I did to the music of rap,

But, then something went wrong,

When, music all went sing-song,

Sing-song I couldn't tap worth a crap.

THE TEMPEST ROUND THE POSIES CAUSED ME TO KNIT COZIES

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies,

But, there was a tempest around all of my posies,

And, what could I do?

I hadn't a clue,

So, back inside I went to knit cozies.  

THE SOUR-SWEET PICKLE GETS SUED

The pickle made a false statement,

It said that it was sweet,

But, when I bit into it,

It was so sour, what deceit! 

So, I sued the pickle for malfeasance,

And, fraud according to law,

But, the whole thing was completely dismissed,

When, the case was moved to Wichita.

I AVOID SQUIRRELS WHEN THE ACORNS ARE EMPTY

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out,

The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout,

Next, they were looking at me,

Like I'm a steak lettered "T,"

So, I've winter and won't be out and about, 

ONLINE BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

I did back to school shopping all of it, online,

I got the stuff and it was just fine,

Overall, it took only two days,

The time saved really pays,

Yet, the traditional hassle in stores I did pine.

THE WONDERS OF AGING

I could not save my hair today,

No cold creams rubbed my wrinkles away,

My mental state?

I'm confused of late,

And, I lost another tooth today.

  

DIGGER DOG THE POTATO POOCH AND HIS MASTER SCARAMOUCH

Digger Dog the potato pooch,

Dug potators for his master's hooch,

Hooch made the master thrilled,

One of the actor's guild,

Who played every day Scaramouch.

SPEEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY LIMERICK

Speeding down the highway I did swerve,
Forming a geodesic curve,
Things became tense.
There was suspense,
But, lying helpless I showed nerve.

THE POEM OF THE BAD BOOZE

I had a whiskey that was brown,

I had a whiskey that was clear,

I had a whiskey that was a rusty haze,

Then, my kidneys kicked into high gear, 

I had some wine that was red,

I had some wine that was white,

I had some wine that was blue,

And, now I've lost my sight,

I had some beer that was green,

I had some beer that was brown, 

I had some beer that was black,

Now, I reside in coffin town. 

BIG SHIP WANNABE

My boat was a dingy and it floated away,

I forgot to secure it at the dock in the bay,

And, wherever it be,

I hope that the sea,

Takes care of the big ship wannabe.  

THE STEAMY OUTHOUSE AND THE BROOK

In the early morn when the mind is still dreamy,

The outhouse sat all quiet and steamy,

It sat by a quaint brook,

A nice place to read book,

But, during floods the floor would get streamy, 

THE THEFT OF MY ONLINE DEVICE

I do not think it very nice,

That someone stole my online device,

Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s,

From the A's to the Z's,

And, all my friends have all been trolled twice.

TO MY PATRONS AS i RETIRE

If you have some problem then,

Come and visit me, 

For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks,

I might have some comfort there for thee.

TEN TO THE POWER OF NINETY-NINE

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten,

Thought a good fight would prove they were men,

So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine,

They stood up to a gang numbering ninety plus nine,

Dim-bulb's gang was destroyed showing the finality of Zen.

IN THE CRAWLSPACE I MADE A CRAWL

In the crawlspace I made a crawl,

That's where I found my best haul,

I found some old toys,

That brought me back ancient joys,

Of siblings and each possession brawl.

A TALE OF TWO BERRIES

In the garden there was a lonely blackberry vine,

It found a vine of raspberries and there was an intertwine,

The resulting affair,

Caused new generations to bear,

Raspblackberries which made an exquisite wine. 

THE BLUE ANGELS OVER GRAND TRAVERSE BAY LIMERICK

Over Grand Traverse Bay they did fly,

The Blue Angels way up in the sky,

And, although they make one proud and happy,

Their stunts can make your shorts crappy,

It's sad to see them go but, bye bye. 

I'LL HAVE MY FIREWORKS

I have so little change in my back pants pocket,

I cannot buy a fireworks rocket,

From my job I had to resign,

My credit's in decline,

For fireworks I sold my wife's antique locket.

MICHIGAN THE MITTEN

While at the kitchen table sitin',

Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten, 

But, there's no fingers to count,

For a five finger discount,

So, I guess you'll get what you're gettin'.  

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK II

Little Gorgon turned to stone,

Everyone with a cell phone,

And, Gorgon was bold,

She turned some to gold,

If they ate an ice cream cone.

GOALS IN THE MIST

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do,"

Things done before and things that are new,

And, we all make a list,

Goals in the mist,

But, when counted our achievements are few.

THE BAKER'S LIMITS

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day,

I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play,

I can knead ten loaves of bread,

Before my arms feel like lead,

And, with eight pastries I've filled up my display. 

THE BULGING DRIVEWAY

My concrete driveway is not at all flat,

In the middle it bulges up fat,

And, the ends are so thin,

About as thick as a pin,

They crumbled with just a foot pat.

ODE TO THE FOOD CHAIN ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROAD

Over there on the far side of the road,

There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad,

The crawdads are in the fish's belly,

In the toad's guts the fish gets smelly,

And, the toad's in the snake's jaws went the ode.

 

REMEMBERING MOM

Painting, pottery,

Rock garden, lily, iris,

My mom was once here.

THE TYPEWRITER BLUES LIMERICK

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose,

A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose,

But, along came the tech,

So, I said what the heck,

Now, I pine for my typewriter with blues. 

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK

Little Gorgon turned to stone,

Every singing baritone,

And, every soprano,

Backed up by piano,

Sang like bangs on a xylophone.

THE VENISON MAN

I have venison in my freezer, 

I have venison on my grill,

I've dried venison,

I've canned venison,

I've powdered venison and made a pill,

I eat venison for breakfast,

I eat venison for lunch,

I eat venison for supper,

And, the funny meal called a brunch,

I give venison to my friends,

I give venison to people I hate,

I give venison away at Christmas,

I serve venison on a first date,

My life revolves around venison,

I spend all day hunting deer in the woods,

At night I peruse Lord Tennyson,

Snacking on venison mixed with dry goods.

ROUGH TETHERBALLER

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport,

Then on TV I'd be on report,

For I always win,

I'd kick tall guys in the shin,

The rest? I'd ply them with French port.   

THE CUTWORM MADE ME EAT ICE CREAM

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants,

And, left the tops to wither and die,

Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants,

I began to cry and cry,

I planted those plants for a reason, 

To have tomatoes for my tomato soup,

Now, I'll have to just eat ice cream,

And, I don't have an ice cream scoop.    

I MET THE BEARS IN ALASKA

I went to Alaska to meet with the bears,

I stood up beside them for lacking, were chairs,

But, they were up to no good,

They chased me into the wood,

I guess they thought all creatures with meat, were theirs.

GATOR CHOICES

I wanted to retrieve a new red potato,

But, when I lunged downy my hand I drew up an alligator,

Now, the alligator was small,

But, my menu amounts was tall,

So, I changed my menu to chicken/tater.

THE UNEMPLOYED SHEPPARD

There weren't many spots on that leopard,

That made me unemployed as a Sheppard,

For he slew all of my sheep,

Left me nothing to keep,

Just mutton I ate after I peppered. 

GUEST POPULATION CONTROL VIA DINO APPETITE

If you find that among upscale socialites you're not a winner,

Then, invite a tyrannosaur to dinner,

He might traumatize,

But, it would be no surprise,

If your guest population became thinner. 

 

TIKI TORCH AND THE BEAR

My tiki torch burned down real low,
Until it was just a tiki glow,
But, it made mad a big bear,
For the tiki fouled his clean air,
And bear claws gave my tiki such woe.

MY FISHING LINE GOT CAUGHT UP IN A TREE

My fishing line got caught up in a tree,

I haven't done that since I was two or three,

My dad would retrieve the line with an ax,

But, now I will wane and not wax,

Indeed, A chainsaw works better for me.

THE WET WHISTLE FISHERMAN

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry,

For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry,

Of course it was not a good day,

For my boat sailed away,

And, a shark ate me like a side order fry.

DAD'S RECOLLECTION OF HIS FATHER AT WAR

My grandfather fought in World War One,

He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,

 And, for twenty-one days,

In the war's horrendous haze,  

"He was behind enemy lines," said his son.  

BUNYAN WENT SPITTING FROM THE MITTEN

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten,

For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin',

But, Bunyan spit way too far,

Hit the Dutch Royal Car,

It's good it weren't baseballs he was hittin'.

THE DIVINE LOOKING EDGES

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine,

I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine, 

But, what is a dream?

Just a play with no scheme,

Besides, looking rough around the edges is divine.

THE SINKING TURTLE DREAM

With too much water, he might drink,

A little turtle just might sink,

And, while diving deep,

He just might sleep,

And, dream of seaweed that is pink. 

HEAT THE TUNA WELL BEFORE YOU POUCH IT

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat,

You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat,

But, while in my stomach lying,

That last tuna was really crying,

Methinks, when processed the tuna didn't get enough heat.

 

OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY

As they gaze out their outhouse portal,

Many people dream of being immortal,

But, a firm rap on the door,

And, you wish you could stay more,

And, knowing your place in the world makes you chortle.

ANTIQUE UNDERGARMENTS FOR SALE

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers,

Buying up twelfth century knickers,

But, pickers should curtail,

Their penchant for resale,

Or, display black plague warnings on stickers.

THE TAXIDERMIST LIMERICK

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy,

He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy,

Some thought he was nuts,

Because he cooked up the guts,

And, made sausage that was hot and real squirmy.  

ROOMS IN THE MIST

Wanting more like Oliver Twist

I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list,

But, no mushrooms, so sad, 

I guess the soil's gone real bad,

Still, I'll keep hunting mushrooms in the early morn mist. 

JIM'S NEW ABODE

Jim is very poor at driving down the road,

He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad,

Jim swerved into the other lane,

Where a semi caused him pain,

Then, a hospital became Jimmy's new abode. 

MOTHER'S DAY LIMERICK

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day,

More than flowers for mothers in May,

For all we conceive,

And, all we achieve,

We celebrate those who created the way.

THE WATER WONDER KIN

As I was walking in the rain,

On the sidewalk white and plain,

The water ran into the drain,

And, I thought that it was just insane,

All that water around my feet,

Draining in rivers down the street, 

Could be sent to places with bone dry heat,

Then, I forgot such thoughts for it was time to eat.  

MA'S DAY IN THE BACKWOODS

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day,

But, that's no time for ma to play,

Her family has got to eat,

So, prepare the mince meat,

With side pork and greens pulled from clay.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

ELVES IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

THE ELEVATION OF FEET

Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing,

Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing,

Of course I'm a big winier,

But, my feet fit well the recliner,

So, off the floor my feet I'm chairing.

LOCKLIEL SHOULD NOT PLAY TRUMPET

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour,

The more that he played the less his money shower,

And, one wonderful day,

The police took Lockliel away,

Then, silence was testimony to his power. 

BATTERY ACID DONE ME HARM

Battery acid does great harm,

It burned a scar across my arm,

It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek,

What relief did I seek?,

Of course water scored,

After an intake I out poured,

And, the aftertaste was most vial,

I would not recommend a trial,

So, when battery acid leaks I've learned,

Dilute the acid or worsen what's burned,

Of course I've embellished so, saith the cynic,

Yet, I have proof in my bills from the Mayo Clinic.

THE PARENTS OF A TV FLY

We're the parents of a TV fly,

When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry,

We're afraid he'll be a rotter,

After a hit with a fly swatter,

It's much safer crossing a toilet or a pie.

BINGE EATING MY DEPRESSION AWAY

I've ceased watching all cooking shows,

Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows,

I sold cooking utensils so dear,

It made my depression severe,

So, I binge ate myself out of my cloths.

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE MOUSE

I think that I will quit wearing my hat,

Because, that's where the mice keep leaving their scat,

But, there is just a wrinkle,

For, my cat loves to tinkle,

And, I've taught him where the mouse beds are at. 

I TOOK A WRONG TRAIL AND ENDED UP WITH A WHALE

I took a walk in the forest but, took the wrong trail, 

Then, I heard something howl then swished it's big tail,

I looked toward a giant dead stump,

Then, my heart started to pump,

As I gazed at a killer land whale.

I WENT TO LAREDO FOR SOUP

I went to Laredo to find me some soup,

I heard they had cows that were deep in their scoop,

For I seek fertilizer,

I like the wet stuff cause I'm wiser,

For moisture's real scarce to mix with dry poop. 

THE COLORS OF TEETH AND BACK

If your teeth are green and black,

Keep your mouth shut to avoid attack,

From those having teeth whitey white,

Who brush for a  cavity fight,

But, have green hair from scalp to back. 

MY UMBRELLA SAILED BEFORE IT RAINED, SNOWED AND THEN HAILED

My umbrella failed,

When a tornado came along my umb sailed,

Not wanting to up-flow,

I let my umb go,

Then it rained, then snowed and then hailed.   

THE SPILL AND THE MINCE MEAT PIE FLY

I spilled tomato juice on my mince meat pie,

It dis-flavored the mince meat and I thought I would die,

And, my mince meat pie ala mode,

Tasted like feet of dead toad,

So, to the trash my pie took a fly.

THE BEARER OF THE JAGGED STEAK KNIFE

My steak knives are so incredibly dull,

The fat on my steaks my knives will not cull,

 My steaks tremble with terror,

For I'm the jagged knife bearer,

My knives give steaks something they can all mull.

PILLOWS AND FOR WHOM THE CLOCK TICKS

Sometimes pillows are way to soft,

Sometimes they are hard as a rock,

Sometimes pillows slip off the bed in my loft,

While all night I count the ticks of the clock,

IS TRAVERSE CITY SANTA'S SUMMER RETREAT?

The jurors are out they say,

As to where Santa summers his sleigh,

I think it's a pity,

If it's not Traverse City,

Where he could have a beautiful view of the bay.

JIM'S TAPEWORM AND SKINNY TRANSFORMER BRAG

No one ate nearly as much as Big Jim,

In his gut a tapeworm was taking  a swim,

And, Big Jim got so skinny,

Shopped cloths stores for the "mini,"

Jim bragged which just made him seem dim.

WAITING FOR MY TRICKLE-DOWN

I'm waiting for my trickle-down raise,

Although, my boss says a raise would be out of phase,

For long, long before,

I'll get pink-slipped out the door,

Because trickle-down signs the end of my days.

MY NECK OF THE WOODS

We don't have much fancy in my neck of the woods,

We don't have much money and ain't got many goods,

And, everything we find that will crawl,

We eat or hang on the wall,

And, use the skin for our hats and our hoods.

I BUILT MY HOUSE WITH BORROWED NAILS

I built my house with borrowed nails,

I must of borrowed pails and pails,

Now, some want their nails back,

That will leave me with some shack,

And, it'll fall over with hard rains and the gales.

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

REVOLUTIONARY, NEW POLE BARN FLOOR

My pole barn had a brand new floor,

It was made of ice and nothing more,

It worked great most of the year,

But, when warm weather got here,

A tidal wave came out of the door.

A LINE IN THE SAND AND A BAD NOODLE TAN

I drew a line in the sand,

I did it with a stick in my hand,

I'm not sure what for?

Maybe I'm going to war,

I think my noodle got overly tanned. 

NEW BOOTS AND WORMS IN A CORNFIELD

In a cornfield I stood worried about what to eat,

When, my boots started sinking into a pile of corncrete,

I wretched I thought,

For those were new boots I had bought,

And, worms would surely eat through them to my feet.

THE EASTER BASKET BLUES

I got an Easter basket but, I do not have any shoes,

I can't use my basket for footwear because it did not come in twos,

My feet are too big to share,

And, my weight one basket won't bare,

I'll just wait until next Easter then, a second basket will bring good news. 

THE UNCLE JAY JAY RHYMES

My uncle Jay Jay,

Bleached his toupee,

Now his hair is all white,

Like his daddy Ray Ray,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Played his trumpet all day,

Then, went fishing at night,

Out on Grand Traverse Bay,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Once played in a band at night,

But, with the jazz flutist,

Had a fist fight,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Didn't like the sound of the flute,

For any woodwinds he did not give a hoot,

He said only a brass horn could give a good toot,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Left this world with the tide,

In the next world he's sitting all full of pride,

Making toot in a brass band of trumpets and slide.     

  

TOO PRETTY FOR A BIG CITY: A POSSUM'S STORY

There was a little possum we all knew as Begonia, 

Her actual name was a rhyme known as Sonja,

She did not like Traverse City,

Thought it too big for one so pretty,

So, she moved herself and her stuff to Benzonia.

A FLIPPING TUNA WITH TATERS

A giant tuna way out in the sea,

Swam up the river for me,

I hooked him in the lip,

Pulled him on shore in mid-flip, 

Now, I'll serve him with taters at tea.

BENNY BROKE AN EARLOBE

Benny broke an earlobe,

Now it's an ear flap,

Whoever heard of breaking an earlobe?

By wearing a too tight baseball cap.

CANKER CREAM II

Many people fell for the scheme,

Of trying to buy canker cream,

Buy, why should you try it,

Just go change things in your diet,

Save money and let your smile beam.

CANKER CREAM I

Poor Sam had a mouth full of cankers,

They were puffy and not pinchers or yankers,

The suave to make they go away,

Was much more than Sam's pay,

So, Sam got three loans from three different bankers. 

SUCKED DOWN ON THE ICE: A FISHERMAN'S TALE

When I was fishing out on the ice,

A thing happened that made me think twice,

For, up from the ice hole, 

Came a giant snake with a roll,

He sucked me down and his breath smelled like mice.

UNDER THE WEATHER SORE THROAT

I bought me some throat lounges but, my throat is still sore,

It feels like some elf gave my throat a tear and a tore,

I wish the weather would get better,

Instead, of colder and wetter,

So, I'm feeling under the weather and more.

BARD'S GOT A CONCRETE MUSHROOM SONG

The concrete mushroom in my yard,

Gave inspiration to the local bard,

But, it seems awful wrong,

For a concrete mushroom song,

When finding tasty mushrooms is hard. 

EYE ON SOUSE

When Miller stopped at the Biergarten House,

He tarried there instead of going home to his spouse,

Which made his lonely spouse sob,

Till, she got a biergarten job,

Now, the spouse keeps an eye on her souse.  

PLANT CLOSURES AND THE PURLOINED TOILET PAPER

The plant shut down and Dan was sent out the door,

He purloined some bath tissue to even the score,

But, he was caught with his booty,

And, the police got real shooty,

Now, Dan is worm food and he'll be nothing more. 

THE ROOM IN MY WALLET

There's lots of wiggle room in my wallet,

I'm broke and don't know what else to call it,

But, I'm soon to get pay,

Then, I'll have a good day,

And, I and my friends can go mall it. 

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

Many people believe that their lives are a mess,

To the fairies of failure they kneel to and confess,

Of course, all the silver and gold,

Are success symbols oversold, 

When, food and a warm place to sleep is success

THE PEARL DIVING DOG NAMED SAM

My little dog named Sam,

Diving for pearls he swam,

But, no oysters, no pearls,

Still, he got attention from girls,

"He's my dog," I'd say like a ham.

WINE, BEER AND THE SINUS BAD CHEER

My sinuses are on the decline,

I drank wine which makes them not fine,

But, when I drink beer,

My sinuses are of raw cheer,

So, with alcohol I no longer dine.

UP INTO MY EARS

When my eyes let go some tears,

Before me a tissue box soon appears,
But, the tissue the box wouldn't let go,

And, with a full nose to blow,

An explosion went up into my ears.

THE CHICKEN THAT WOULD NOT FLY

That chicken just won't fly,

It's wings are clipped and it's about to fry,

And, when it's breast is frying done,

I have some mayonnaise on a bun,

Then, under some bacon and tomato it will lie.

MY FEELINGS ON DRINKING SNOW WATER

I drank snow water and it was so cold,

My throat froze and I was not sold,

I want my water hotter,

Save the cold for an otter,

My drink makes me feel I'm too bold.

 

I ENTERED A BEAUTY CONTEST LIMERICK

I entered a beauty contest,

And, I gave it all of my best,

But, I had disproportional stacking,

And, way too much backing,

Of course, my hair was a big bedbug nest.   

THE NEEDLE IN THE THIGH SUGAR HIGH

I thought I was going to die,

When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh,

It hurt so bad I had to cry,

Then, I looked at my tailor and didn't have to ask why?

My tailor had all over his tie,

A chocolate bar both melted and dry,

It seems my tailor was on a sugar high,

So, I thought I'd give another tailor a try.

OBEY THE LAW OR YOU WILL BE SPLAYED

In Midland they have an old saying,

In Clare it's a law worth obeying,

Don't eat any old Christmas wreath,

For it will green up your teeth,

And, your entrails will feel like their splaying. 

PRESCRIPTION SPILLS ADD TO MY BILLS

Because of frequent spills,

I ran out of my prescription pills,

When I asked to replace,

My insurance said "face,"

So, replacement costs are one more of my bills.

THE SPARROW'S NUMBER WAS UP

For the sparrow it was up, his number,

He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber,

His life had past,

So brief, so fast,

One dead bird sitting on dead lumber,

THE NETHERWORLD ONLINE

I found the nether world online,

A place where pop and chips recline,

It's a place to slumber,

With re-attributed lumber,

Where my firebox becomes  the place I hang wine.

THE ONLINE DOC

Bobby was not well attended,

When he broke his arm it barely mended,

The doc's degree they say,

The doc won on eBay,

"Highest bid," the doc defended.

AN ICE FISHERMAN'S REVENGE

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake,
He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take,
But, he would not share,
So, to make it all fair,
I locked him in my shanty and turned the stove up to bake.

NO CALENDAR NEW YEAR

It's January One and it is the worst,

The new year has begun and it's already the first,

Auld Lang Syne we have sang,

And, I have no calendar to hang,

Soon, the vein in my forehead shall burst.