THE CARPET AND THE TREE

My little doggie, he got free,

And on the carpet took a pee,

Right there for everyone to see,

Darker than the spilled coffee,

I hope he doesn't kill my tree.

THE GRIZZ AND THE GROUND HOG

I went looking for a ground hog, to see when the winter might pass,

I ran into a griz instead, and he ate off half my mass,

The cold froze shut my wound with snow,

To the hospital I crawled to go,

And, I would have made it, 'cept my bod ran out of gas.

I HOPE TO HECK MY PARSNIPS GROW LIMERICK

I hope to heck my parsnips grow, 
Deep beneath the piled up snow, 
In the winter I'll eat, 
Starvation I'll beat, 
If I remember where I planted the row.

TERMINATION REPORT

They laid me off for the holiday,

Said they might hire me back come next May,

Why I was fired nobody would say,

Of course, I call in sick every Monday,

Monday mornings are cold, so in bed I stay.

MY SANDWICH WAS SOGGY AND SWEET

My sandwich was not very neat,
I had no money so I couldn't afford meat,
But  I had some grape juice,
So on my bread I let loose,
And  my sandwich was soggy and sweet.

THE SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM QUESTION

I love to eat scoops of ice cream atop a sugar cone,
But, every scoop of ice cream adds size round my hip bone,
So, how many scoops of ice cream is deemed to be just right?
Well, I simply eat scoops of ice cream until my jeans get way too tight.

AFTERLIFE ANCESTOR TEA COMPANY

My car slid on the ice and I slammed into a tree,

Then my ancestors surrounded me,

"You drive too fast",

They said at last,

"Now you're dead and we won't share our tea."

ICY ROADS AND I SEE DEAD PEOPLE

I slid my pickup off the road today into a ditch, and bammy,

I got a little concussion, so excuse me if I sound whammy,

It was a surprise,

My life flashed before my eyes,

I was even greeted by my dear, departed grammy. 

A LIZZARD NAMED MORGAN MAY-Limerick

There was a lizard named Morgan May,
She did lizard stuff most every day,
She liked to eat mice,
Juicy crickets and lice,
When frightened she would just crawl away.

THE ALIEN CREATURE INVADES LIMERICK

I downloaded a really cheap movie feature,

About some crazy invading alien creature,

And, although the story wasn't tight,

Brutal force showed the creature's might,

So, earth's A-bomb was a fitting creature teacher.   

PIZZA MAN LIMERICK

Pizza Man works really hard for his tips,
If he gets none he will puff out his lips,
So, get out some bucks,
You tight old dumb clucks,
Or, you'll receive Pizza Man's finger flips.

There was a guy they called Pizza Man,
He made deep dish pizza in a pan,
He delivered them too,
In his van painted blue,
When his van broke down then, he ran.

In my town Pizza Man was a star,
If he was coming you'd stop your car,
He had the right of way,
So, you had to obey,
For Pizza Man must travel afar.

THE MORALITY OF SPIDER SQUASHING

Squashed a big spider,

Random act of violence,

Regrets, found babies.

PAY TO CHEW

There's a cute little blue jay eating in the tree,  

He's chewing on some suet that I left up there for free,

I wonder if it's a crime, 

If I asked that bird for just a dime,

My money is so dear that, it's a meal for him or me.

THE MAN WITH STINKY HONEY BREATH

The reason I get odd looks and stares,

Is because my teeth are as big as a bear's,

And, my gait is bear funny,

While, my breath stinks of honey,

I guess I am a bear but, who cares? 

MY PODCAST WAS A DUD

My podcast was a total dud,

They said my philos was just crud,

I didn't gain a fan,

Unless, you count Dick and Dan,

I bribed them with burger and sud.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SAM

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

FANGS OF REVENGE

In my garden there was a poisonous snake,

He was waiting for a murderous break,

And, he found a win,

As his fangs pierced my skin,

Revenge for his mom's death by my rake.

PIZZA GONE BAD

The pizza I had delivered, tasted like feet,👣

It was pricy, and I still had to eat,💸🍕🍕

So I shared with a friend,👯

Turned an enemy by the end,😠

We both had our stomachs pumped, now we're both beat.🚑🏨💤

TO A SPOUSE LIMERICK

What a wicked wooly beastie,
She licks her plate at every feastie,
She sleeps with a cat and a dog,
I sleep outside on a log,
I guess that she likes me the leastie.

THE PET BIRD AND THE PET BOBCAT

Boggy had a pet bobcat named Bites,
Bites ate birds and wore bright colored tights,
Boggy also had a pet parakeet,
Whom Bites didn't hesitate to eat,
Boggy took away Bites rights to his tights.