SPOT CHECK SPOILED WITH EGGS BROKEN NOT BOILED

I spot checked my bananas and they had spoiled and turned black,

I spot checked my potatoes and they gone putrified in their sack,

My peppers had soft spots,

All my produce had the rots,

And my eggs were broken because no one knew how to stack. 

    

JIMMY'S NEW HEART-VALVE

Jimmy's heart-valve did not click,
So it made him very sick,
Too young to depart,
Jimmy chose a new part,
Now  a pig-valve helps Jimmy's ticker tick. 

I'VE BEEN CYBERIZED (I NO LONGER HAVE ANY SKIN IN THE GAME)

I looked at my body and found I'm all plastic,

I'm no longer human:  my skin's inelastic,

I don't eat, I don't drink,

Just a solar cell link,

So don't blame me if I am sarcastic. 

MY FOOD JUST SITS AS A TEASE

My carving knife is too dull to cut cheese,
My steak knife won't cut steak or green peas,
My sharpener is on the fritz,
It is broken into bits,
Now all my food just sits as a tease.

MY BAGEL LACKED CREAM CHEESE LIMERICK

My bagel was lacking cream cheese,
I had specified the "CC" and said "please,"
But I got a cheddar cheese stacking,
Plus the butter was lacking,
And too much garlic put me in a wheeze.

THE MORAL MUSHROOM RHYME

What flavor is the mushroom?

Methinks the mushroom flavor bold,

What value is the flavor?

For morals it's sterling and gold,

Moral mushroom festivals are charming,

But, in the deep timbers where mushrooms are found,

Trespassers find it harming,

And, they often fertilize the ground,

So, if you go moral hunting,

Best take a bit of care,

Or better, take a twelve-gauge,

For the claim jumpers and bear.

TO MY FIRST COUSIN ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I married my first cousin and we had 29 kids,🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

The girls we called Marys, the boys we named Cids,👒🎩

With genetics to blame,🍷🍷

The kids all looked the same,🚼

And they all have a bald spot on their lids.💏

THE PRICE OF HAIR SPRAY

The price of hair spray has gone up, up, up,

I'll soon have to choose between my hair spray or sup,

I private teach music horns,

My low income me morns,

I'm eating only some soup in a cup.

Tuff The Tragic Wagon

Tuff was a tragic wagon, 

Parked underneath a tree,

And when that tree fell over,

Tuff became nothing but debris.

CONFUSION ERUPTS IN MEN'S CLOTHING SIZES

Onan, Dave's good friend, owns a clothing store,

It's a place that Dave will often explore,

Sometimes Dave buys size XXX,

Mens shirt sizes are so complex,

Rules on jeans sizes, confuse some more.

THE LAZY COOK

I hate doing dishes,
They pile up everyday,
Especially the pots and pans,
I figure there must be a better way,

So, now I use just paper plates,
And for silverware I use fingers,
Of course you have to wash your hands,
Or, smells of things you touch lingers,

I tossed out all my pots and pans,
That saved time, a bunch,
I now use only old tin cans,
To make my supper and my lunch lunch.

MUSHROOMS, GHOSTS AND ANGELS

Someone put Destroying Angels in my stew, 

They are said to be deadly, and that is quite true,

So exercise and dieting was time wasted,

And  the rich foods I could have tasted,

Now I'm just a dead health nut that greets shouting "Boo."

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But he last day I ate here I rue.

WENT OUT FOR THE EVENING WITH A DIRTY BOBBER

The water was calm and the skies were clear,

So I went bobber fishing just off the pier

But my red and white,

Was invisible that night,

Cause my white was encrusted with worm dirt and beer.

TOO MANY SNOWFLAKES FELL ON MY SHACK

Too many snowflakes fell on my shack,
The roof caved in while I slept in the sack,
When it was all done,
I was facing the sun,
So,I rolled over and got nails in my back.

THE CREATOR

Today I'll.go outside, if I can,

To make me a perfect snowman,

First I roll some snowballs,

Then I stack them up, talls,

Then I rub him down with lotions, so the sun will make him tan.

KISSING IN THE SEA

I saw two fishes holding fins in the sea,

They were kissing and took no note of me,

I told them kissing in public was rare,

They asked me to join their pair,

Now the fishes kissing number exactly three.

MY UNICORN RAN AWAY

I was made so sad today,
For my unicorn ran away,
He didn't like my peasant food,
He said my language was gutter-crude,
And my crummy farm was just a place he could not stay.

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,

My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,

And one lady fainted,

Then called my lemonade tainted,

I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

BONNIE THE BED WETTER BOUGHT TEN SETS OF SHEETS

Bonnie bought ten sets of sheets,
Because her accidents were repeats,
Bonnie bought six gallons of bleach,
Which turned pink sheets a white-peach,

Bonnie had bad times in bed,
It was like an ocean, enough said,
In Vegas it was a safe bet,
That poor Bonnie woke up wet.