I WON'T UPSET THE PET BY WHAT I EAT

For my little goldfishy's sake,

I forgo eating all tuna stake,

He's comforted to see,

No fish ate by me,

He can't see the salmon in my bake.

THE DINER SERVED ME AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT

At the diner I ordered a turkey wing,

But, instead I got this UO thing,

It had beady eyes,

Was nibbling on my fries,

He said he was an alien on earth slumming.  

 

 *UO=Unidentified Object

THE PORTION WAS SO SMALL

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish for my suppy,

I paid $45.00. and they served me a guppy,

The fish portion was so small,

I gave the waiter a call,

He then, offered me an extra hush puppy.

SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR

Donny thought he was smarter than the average bear,

He broke into cabins and did not care,

Then, he found a loaded gun

Played with it just for fun,

Now, Donny is no longer here nor there.

THIS PIRATE NEEDS A TOILET

I am a jolly pirate but, I've never put to sea,🌬⛵⚓💀

I like life onboard a pirate ship but, there is no place to pee,🚻🚽💩

So, I stay on the shore,🌉

Wave bye bye to the pirate corp,🗡🔪

I hope one day there'll be toilets then, it's a pirates life for me.🏝🗺🍍🐳🦀

DONNY LIKED TO DO THE TREASON

Donny liked to do the treason,

To stay in power was his reason,

He used his foul moods,

To excite stupid dudes,

Who think pale skin is in season.

GREEN PICKLE SLUSHIE

I found some pickles lying out in the snow,

They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go,

When the pickles thawed, they were mushy,

So, I made pickle slushie,

Boy, having my stomach pumped cost me some doe.

Pardon My Finch

I have a little finch that really roars,

It's flatulent wind blows open oak doors,

And, my finch does not care,

That it pollutes everyone's air,

The smell gives me nose bleeding sores.

DONNY THE GOLDFISH SWIMS IN THE SEA

I had a goldfish named Donny T.

He was as belligerent as he could be,

So, I replaced Donny with Joe,

And, where did Donny go?

He swims in the toilet in the dark yellow sea.

A HOLE, A DUMP AND A VOWEL

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel,
All lived in the very same hole,
Then, along came a bear,
Who sat down on their lair,
And, took a dump and the hole space he stole.

POWDERED CHICKEN NUGGETS

I ate some chicken powdered nuggets,

They were frightful I must say,

In fact, I don't see why such a recipie,

Was ever shown the light of day,

I bought them at a deep-fat fried store,

They were so cheap I had to buy more and more,

But, there is one thing that gives my taste buds some peace,

The nuggets aren't bad heavily salted and dripping with grease.

THE DAY OF SEDITION

I went into the parlor to listen to some Bach,

I then ordered dinner when, I noticed the tic-tok,

The TV talked sedition,

As I consumed my noon nutrition,

After I was done eating, I went online and sold my stock.

NEW MOON ON FIRST OF JUNE WARNING

Never start the month of June,
When you start with a new moon,
Change the calander right away,
You had best move the day,
Or bad things will happen real soon.

SOMEONE WAS MAKING LOVE IN MY OUTHOUSE

Someone was making love in my outhouse,

Don't know who it was cause I wasn't there,

Could of been a weasle, could have been a skunk,

Then again, it could of been a bear,

Someone was making love in my outhouse,

I know cause the gossip's all around,

Don't know who just started all the rumors,

Got a hunch it might be that old bluetick hound,

Guess I'll have to ask my next door neighbor,

Maybe I'll ask my darling wifey too,

They're always out fixing up the outhouse,

I guess their painting the interior blue.

ZOMBIES COMING

When I saw the zombies coming,

Then, my heart began drumming,

There were so many I quit summing,

And, all I heard was corpses humming,

I knew it was a zombie day,

Most days are in the month of May,

I led the zombies into a pool of clay,

They got stuck so, that's where they'll stay,

I wouldn't be surprised come June,

If the zombies died out by the first full moon,

The full moon in June can't come too soon,

Then, I'll write a zombie poem and zombie tune.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOBERS GONE?

Where have all the peanuts gone?

There's none to shuck when the night bleeds dawn,

There are none in a jar,

Or, under the seats of my car,

Did someone trade raising goobers for green lawn?

My Pandemic Struggles

The pandemic took me from riches to rags

I was cran-coloring pictures on crayon colored on bags,

And, my love ran off with some bloke,

Took my hard candy and Coke,

Now, I'm just tweeting all day with hashtags. 

HEALTHY EATS

Better eat your spinach and better eat your peas,

So, you don't come down with a pandemic disease,

Better eat your eggs and cheese,

So, you don't puke and wheeze,

But, eating beans makes a stinky breeze.

UNCLE RUSSEL HAD A CAT

Uncle Russel had a cat,
The cat ate oatmeal from a hat,
The cat liked to share,
With his best friend Bear,
And, Bear was just a sewer rat.

DECISION REGARDING STUCK

In my driveway of ice and clay,

My little car got stuck today,🚙

I have no road service so, there it stay,

At least until the month of May,

That's when the ice will melt away,

And, the ground firms and tires obey,

Backup, go forward, either is o.k.,🔄

But, I don't like the long delay,

I might want to travel, who can say?

I've decided right now, out of pocket I'll pay.💰💰💰💰💰