I LOST BECAUSE THE DEALER DID NOT TELL

I thought the card dealer had a striking tell,
When his cards were really good his nostrils would swell,
His nostrils swelled big as his head,
I went all in like the tell said,
I lost to a spades straight flush from hell!

I LOST MY SPINNER

I trolled for bluegills and caught a log,

It was stuck in the bottom in a dark mucky bog,

Then my line broke,

And, like some unkind joke,

My last spinner sank into the muck fog. 

ALL POTS ARE THE SAME

My coffee maker went to pot,
I bought it cheap to save a lot,
I went back to the store,
Bought one for much more,
I thought it would be better; it’s not.

A BEAN PIE CHART

For my family I made a pie chart,

It was a bean pie so my family started to fart,

I opened a window for the breeze,

Then, someone let loose some goat cheese,

I should have used rhubarb but, I thought it too tart. 

HANG DIRTY SOCKS FOR HOLLYHOCKS

My garden was all full of rocks,
But it grew the most beautiful big hollyhocks,
Then along came a deer,
Who ate without fear,
Until I used a repellent of old dirty socks.

HECTOR THE WEASAL LIMERICK

Hector was a wily weasel,
He drove a truck that ran on diesel,
During a winter storm,
The diesel fuel didn’t stay warm,
Now hectors hair is on a brush for an easel.

BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure as rare as can be,
But Benny had bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date was just 2003.

THE SNEAKY BANKER

I made an appointment with my bank,
Because my savings was in the tank,
The interest paid was one percent,
More income was my meetings intent,

My banker looked at me really sad,
He said having a savings account was bad,
He said but, if I bought bonds I'd be real glad,
I'd earn a rate of return like dear old dad,

So, I gave him my money he invested it fast,
He said I'd be rich and my riches would last,
His firm had made billions for all in the past,
Their investments were sound and incredibly vast,

After that I went home and really slept well,
I knew that my investments would certainly swell,
But, the morning paper said it was too late to sell,
The investments I bought had all gone to hell,

It seems what I had bought my broker sold short,
Which he did not mention in his report,
My money was lost, it was too late to abort,
And the laws had been changed, I couldn't take him to court,

So, please learn this lesson about who you can trust,
If you trust in your banker you will surely go bust,
He's sneaky and, cleaver and, loves to deceive,
He purchased the laws, he has his reprieve.

VINNY THE HANDYMAN

Vinny hung a picture up on the wall,
He hung it wrong and watched it fall,
Vinny laid down linoleum in front of the door,
He used the wrong glue, so up came the floor,

Vinny rewired his old VCR,
When he plugged it in the flames shot up real far,
Vinny motorized an old go cart,
But, he was never able to get it to start,

Vinny realized he was no handyman,
So, he went to the kitchen to play pot and pan,
But, there it was evident that he was not a chief,
His baked goods were hard and he burned the roast beef.

PATINA THE BIG SPENDER

Patina was a really big spender,
She was a double overdraft offender,
She couldn’t pay her bills,
It gave her the chills,
She tried letting her credit defend her,

Patina spent her money fast,
She lived on credit cards,
Her paychecks never seemed to last,
She had holes in her leotards,

Patina knew she was in real deep trouble,
When she had to move in with her mom and dad,
Then, her folks lost their house in the housing bubble,
Now they all live on the street, so sad,

Patina wished she had changed her ways,
And, not built her life on a house of cards,
She’ll regret it until the end of her days,
Along with not buying new leotards.

THE DEVIL WANTS TO WATCH THE SUPERBOWL TOO LIMERICK

                                             
                                    There was a little devil who didn’t feel very well,
                                    He wanted to watch the SuperBowl but there is no cable down in Hell,
                                    Getting cable was his wish,
                                     But, he settled for a satellite dish,
                                     Now he feels like from heaven he never fell.

JIM, THE CUTTER OF CHEESE

Jim cut the cheese before every meal,

To most of the family, Jim's cheese had no appeal,

But he always made more, 

Had an abundant store,

He'd share cheese at work, like he was a wheel.

THE BASSOON GIRLS

Four girlfriends played the bassoon,
But, their friendship would be ending soon,
For three of them would have despair,
Because only one could be first chair,

All four girls practiced every night,
From supper time until the light,
One day they played for the contested chair,
All the music teachers listened with care,

But, three of them hit many foul notes,
The one that didn't got all the votes,
Now, the three losers their friendship has grown,
While the first chair girl sits in first chair alone.

BEWARE THE WRATH OF THE ROBOTIC BUTLER

My robot-butler gave me such a scare,
I fired him and I thought he wouldn't care
But on my brand-new cell phone,
He called up a drone,
Then I got dive-bombed from up in the air.

A CANTERBURY JAIL

I went to Canterbury and ended up in the jail,

I was considered disorderly and had no money for bail,

And there, the not friendly I met,

Who were too non-normal to vet,

Methinks, they were pirates all ready to sail.

SAM THE ROBOT LIMERICK

I once had a butler robot and I called him Sam,
He made sandwiches of goat cheese and honey ham,
And when I would dine,
He served great cherry wine,
But, he sampled it, blew up, leaving only a cam.

MY NEIGHBOR STOLE MY WALLET DURING A SNOW STORM

All that snow fell on the roof of my shack,

The roof caved in and I got pinned on my back,

I screamed and I yelled,

Along comes Mr. Weld

He only stole my wallet and told me not to tattle-telled.

TIM AND THE FISHHOOK IN THE LIP LIMERICK

Tim went fishing after a whisky nip, 
He caught his fish hook in his lower lip, 
Now when Tim takes a sip,
His drink leaks out the rip,
And, water leaks in when Tim goes skinny-dip.

FEBRUARY 1ST

It is February the very first,

It's cold, arse cold, maybe the worst,

No car ride to the town,

The darn car's broken down,

And the woodstove got too hot and burst.

MY LITTLE TEKKI TORCH

My little tekki torch
I left lit on my porch,
The porch caught fire,
Results were dire,
Nothing survived the scorch.