DINNER WITH THE FLYING MONKEYS

There were three flying monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch of the West,

They were just three flying monkeys but, they were the wicked Witch's best,

They sliced me up and ate me raw,

Never thought I be ended by a monkey's paw,

They saved my liver per the Witch's request.

P.S.

Too bad for all of them, I failed my rabies test.

The Deceit That Cost Me Toes

There was a volcano down the street

It burnt my shoelaces; burnt off my feet,

Because when the lava flows,

If you don't run you lose toes,

Donald said things were fine but, that was a deceit.

Artificial Turkey Meat

I'm eating artificial meat,

It tastes like turkey; at least the feet,

It chews like gum,

That's been shared with some,

And, the smell is like a condemned toilet seat.

CLEANING TEETH APPOINTMENT HAIKU

APPOINTMENT NOTICE,
WAITING ROOM, WAITING, CLEAN, PAIN
CHECKOUT, BILL, SHOCK, PAIN

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KIDNEY CAKE

I ate at a friend's place and they served kidney cake,

It did not taste good so, my compliments were all fake,

Then, after a quick toilet puke,

I gave no rebuke,

But, not one extra serving I'd take.

WHERE STARS SHOULD NEVER BE

I am pondering on a web of stars where, I don't think stars should ever be,

They're inside my kitchen oven within some fourth dimension reality,

They came from my exploding fruitcake,

Which I tried to mix-n-bake,

I should have only used one egg instead, my brain suggested three.

my 

THE EMPEROR OF BEANS RULES ALL

There is no greater power than the Emperor of Beans,

He has turned the heads and soiled the beds of emperors, kings and queen,

No one can cleanly pass,

His unstable gas,

If that's what the Emperor deems.

BE CAREFUL CUTTING DOWN TREES

I went outside and cut down a tree,

I did it wrong and it fell on me,

So, now I slouch,

With eternal ouch,

And, drink only chamomile herb tea.

NEEDS AND MAKE BELIEVE

In the real world we need to find: warmth, water, food, shelter and some form of carnal happiness.

Everything else is just a world of make believe.

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT WORMS (IN MY SOUP)

I complained about a worm in my soup,
It squirmed around in a loop,
It was not spaghetti,
And, I don't think I'm petty,
For, at the bottom of the bowl was a group.

A Wine Maker Without A Critic

Salamander Sally liked parsnips on toast,

She also like parsnips  cooked with a beef roast,

But, her parsnip wine,

Was not rated as fine,

She attacked the poor critic and made him a ghost.

The Stinky, Pinky Popular Drinky

Popular is the new fad drink,

That is poured out in fluorescent pink,

But, you have to drink fast,

Or, the aftertaste will last,

And, for a week your breath will just stink.

AT THE END OF THE WORLD

At the end of the world I moved into a box,

I ran out of beer so, I was forced to detox,

Detox made me ache and cry,

So, when a zombie came by,

I let it bite me to numb me with pox.

THE BEAR VOTE

I decided to try to vote today,

Past armed guards claiming they have the last say,

The gunnies gave me no scare,

For I brought along my pet bear,

The gunnies soon cleared out of my way.

ARMAGEDDON MAKES MY LIMERICKS CRY

We all looked up into a pale blue sky,

And saw Armageddon on the fly,

The great fireball did not tarry,

To make my earth a cemetery,

No where to hide so, I guess we die.

Armageddon in the November fall,

So, the holidays won't come at all,

And me, the plague did not kill,

I Stayed home with my grill,

Now, my cruel earth dies by a sky fireball.

THE LIMERICK OF SOMEONE

Someone ate some pork chops and beans,

Someone ate some big leafy greens,

Someone ate some more,

Someone barfed some on the floor,

Someone feels sorry for someone who comes and cleans.

ARNIE THE GOLDFISH AND HIS GUARDIAN ANGEL

Arnie the goldfish was sitting in jail,
He was arrested for exposing his tail,
Benny the fisherman liked Arnie a bunch,
He decided to have Arnie the goldfish for lunch,
Benny the fisherman put up Arnie's bail.

I Was Abused On Social Media

Somebody just called me a "Bot,"

It's a term I'm familiar with, not,

I felt some abuse,

From the word's negative use,

So, I called my name caller a "Snot."

I VOTED IN SECRET FOR A HIGHER WAGE

I cast my vote long before election day,

I voted for higher wages on my minimum pay,

I dare not tell my boss,

Or, he'll give my bum a toss,

Then, I wouldn't get any richer if at home I had to stay.

THE BUG DINER II

Eating bugs at a diner is nothing new,

Except, if the bugs are on the menu,

While at the Bug Shack,

You get caterpillars by the rack, 

And, spiders scraped fresh from a shoe.