THE SNIFFLES

I sniffle here, I sniffle there,

I sniffle on my reclining chair, 

I sniffle all day long at work,

And, my sniffles give my boss an irk,

I sniffle when I cut my lawn,

I sniffle from the dusk to dawn,

But, when I don't sniffle I get a runny nose,

Then, I must contend with real wet clothes.

  

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

NO SLEEP HAIKU

No sleep, mind tired,
Got up early, stayed up late,
Work. America.

A SNOWMAN GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK

A snowman gave a dirty look right at me,
I tried to ignore him but he wouldn’t let it be,
I asked him to stop,
Then I flagged down a cop,
I’ve been arrested while the snowman is free.

On New Years a snowman gave me a look,
It was offensive is the notion I took,
I had such a desire,
To set the snowman on fire,
I used up every match in my book.

SNOW VS SUNBEAMS

Snowflakes burn, acid,
Sunbeams warm, kind, love, life, dreams,
Snow, white dirt over graves.

MY EXPENSIVE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE TRUCK LIMERICK

My four wheeled drive truck had all four wheels on ice,
I spun round and round seeing the grim reaper thrice,
I said a quick prayer,
As I wept with despair,
My trucks performance did not match its price.

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,

I missed out at my one chance for fame,

For I rescued a treed kitty,

Said the paper of the city,

But,

 they neglected to correctly spell my name.

MY LITTLE DOG NAMED MABEL

My little dog named Mabel,

Is mentally unstable, 

She chewed the legs off the kitchen table,

And everything fell on the floor,

My little dog named Mabel,

Moved to a coup designed with a gable,

She eats frogs and snakes when she's able,

And barks with a lion's roar,

My little dog named Mabel,

Is the stuff of legend and fable

She chewed through my TV cable,

That was her way to even the score.

A ROOSTER NAMED LEE LIMERICK

There was a young rooster named Lee,
He planed to escape and be free,
When no one looked hence,
He flew over the fence,
To a fox that waited for he.

A rooster named Lee loved chicken feed,
He ate a lot more than he could need,
Lee got big and fat,
The farmer saw that,
Lee was supper because of his greed.

I GOT BIT BY MY PET BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE SQUIRREL TODAY

HOW I BECAME A ZOMBIE
My pet brain eating zombie squirrel bit me earlier today,
My nose is runny with some goopy green stuff and my skin is turning real gray,
I am having terrible headaches and my stomach has horrific hunger pains,
I think the only way to cure this malady is by eating someone else’s brains.

THE PASSIONATE PRICE POINTS OF WARDROBE

You know when someone is full of passions,

It's when they obsess with their wardrobe fashions,

So, why not make money,

Suggesting wardrobe changes are sunny,

And, buying at price points due to strict rations. 

COUGARS

Cougars,real,deadly,
Stalking the Michigan woods,
Danger is out there.

PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

THE ANGELS OF HO

Back in the season of Ho, Ho, Ho,

I made some angels in the snow,

Now spring is here,

My angels disappear,

Wherever they've gone I don't know.

WENDELL HAD A WOOD STOVE

Wendell installed a wood stove,
It burned down half his house,
He could have lived in the other half,
But, he was kicked out by his spouse,

Wendell lived out on the street,
He was not so very fine,
He lost his shoes and had bare feet,
But, was comforted with wine,

Wendell had it really good,
But, made a really big mistake,
So, if your heat source uses wood,
Install it right for goodness sake.

SQUEAKY TIRE

My front tire started to squeak,
I thought it was just a slow leak,
But, as I zoomed down the highway,
My tire rolled down a byway,
Then, my accident came to a peak.
 

I WENT TO CANADA AND BOUGHT A BIGFOOT

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot,
I brought it home for my mom and my dad,
I thought it would keep them company,
But, they said I had done really bad,

The Bigfoot I bought was not house trained,
And, it would not stay in the yard or the barn,
It broke down the house door and came inside,
Both my parents both screamed “Oh gosh darn!”

The big foot ate all of the stew up,
And, it drank all my dad’s homemade beer,
I guess buying a Bigfoot was a screw-up,
Then, he nibbled on dear old dad’s ear,

My dad started to remember his old dog Frank,
And, how he loved drinking dad’s homemade beer,
The Bigfoot stunk just like his old dog Stank,
Dad proclaimed “the Bigfoot stays right here”,

So, my parents kept the Bigfoot they called Frank
They seemed to have no more concerns,
It’s good my gift had a number one rank,
Because where I bought it they take no returns.

THE PIMPLED GOT PIMPLE CREAMED

Jim got pimpled on his face,

He got pimpled on his back,

He got pimpled on his arms and legs,

Then, came rebellion, attack,

Jim applied some pimple cream,

He applied some pimple suave,

He sat in hot tub steam,

Soon, no pimples did Jim have,

Jim picks on the pimple challenged,

Those less fortunate than he,

Although he knows the cure is simple,

Just practice pimple cream piety. 

 

I WISH I WAS A LUCKY LARRY

Larry was a high school hero,

Who had an ego as big as Nero,

He said he'd live off his good looks,

And, never bother with the books,

He now has billions, while I have zero.

PP03252022

 

THE BASE GUITAR LIMERICK

Leroy played the base guitar,
But, the sounds he made were so bizarre,
His band gave him the boot,
Now, he’s a bitter old coot,
Playing for tips left in his mason jar.