BRAIN SPLATTER: THE STATUE, TREE AND ME

I went and bought a statue and placed it under my tree,

The tree fell on my statue and worse, it fell on me,

My little brain cells got splattered,

My statue was all shattered,

My folks creamed us both together, and scattered us at sea.

A FARMER LIED TO HIS CHICKENS LIMERICK

Two little chickens were moved into a dumpling soup,
They were told to stay there while the farmer redecorated their coup,
But the soup got real hot,
The chickens climbed out of their pot,
Seems the chickens had been left out of the information loop.

OLD CLYDE FOOTS

My pa’s name was old Clyde Foots,
His third wife Karen, he nicknamed, Toots,
They had an all male litter of nine,
This to me was just fine,
For even half brothers still have family roots.

MARRIAGE OF THE NUCLEAR AFTERGLOWS

Nuclear bombs fell on my house,

And everything died, even the mouse,

I had nowhere to go,

I just sat in my glow,

Another glow-in-dark, became my future spouse.

JERRY’S BALLAD

Jerry plays the clarinet,
He plays so bad his mom's upset,
The band gave him the boot,
Took back his band suit,
Now he fishes crabs with a net.

WHEN I WAS FLYING A KITE

When I was flying my big blue kite,
A skeeter gave me quite a bite,
The bite made me pull the string real tight,
And, I flew off towards the Earth's skylight,

Of course flying high was quite appealing,
Until, I hit the Earth's  great black ceiling,
Then, I had this real bad feeling,
That real bad cards to me, were dealing,

Finally, I started to mostly freeze,
First my fingers then, toes and knees,
And, although I was desperate to heave a sneeze,
My frozen mucus didn't rate a  wheeze,

At last a spaceship passed nearby,
I think that pilot could barely fly,
He let his spacecraft engines burn through my string,
Then I had to do that falling thing,

Down toward Earth I fell ever faster,
Toward my own personal disaster,
Seems a soft ocean landing I could not master,
For I splashed down on a birdbath made of plaster.

JIM SLIPPED AND FELL ON SOME ICE

Jim slipped and fell on some ice,
Ground contact did not feel real nice,
When he got to his feet,
He felt a pain in his seat,
In his back pocket was a key chain device.

I TRADED FOR PIGS AND NUCLEAR WAR

I went to Russia to get me some pigs,

I got sixty dozen, trading four packs of cigs,

Then on that eve,

Before I could leave,

I was offered 12 nukes and a six pack of Migs.

HOUSE PAINTING HAIKU

Climb ladder, start paint,
Drop paint can, splash, yellow grass,
Yellow tongued bulldog.

NO ONE PLAYED THE BARITONE

No one played the baritone,

Quite as well as old Tyrone,

He played so melodic,

That the girls danced exotic,

In the street in a "No Parking Zone,"

FROM RUSSIA

I went to Russia to find some good eats,

But Russian policemen gave me some beats,

I got tortured  till raw,

Have a soar, wired jaw,

So forever from Russia I escaped with my feets.

I WONDER WHAT ZOMBIES EAT

I wonder what zombies like best to eat?
Is it the fingers?  Is it the feet?
Do zombies like best the naval or lips?
Or, maybe they like smacking on soft flabby hips?
I think that it's gross if zombies like eating nose,
I think it disgusting if zombies find flavor between toes,
I'm not sure which is worse:  eating intestines or brains,
But, whatever they like I wish they'd clean up the stains.

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So I punched my keyboard's delete,
The lines vanished complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

MAILBOX FORLORN-HAIKU

Mailbox, forlorn soul,
Icy road, bad driver,
 SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

THE INTERNET NO-BOT

There once was an internet robot,
And his name was Jeb,
He liked to mess with systems,
While playing on the web,

Jeb was a robot,
And  he always got his thrills,
By being an internet pharmacist,
And embedding poison pills,

Now Jeb is a no-bot,
Into oblivion he heads,
His tracks he did not cover well,
And he was deleted by the feds. 

SILLY GOOSE DRINKS TAINTED ORANGE JUICE

Jenny likes to drink orange juice,
But Jenny is a silly goose,
She drinks the juice when it's tainted,
With green slime all painted,
Which makes her insides really loose.

IT SLIPS AND FALLS ON MY TOES

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes,

Then  I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose,

The intense pain causes me mental disorder,

As I hop along the sane/insane border,

Thinking a hand tool is one of my foes.

OF MICE AND DIET

As I was sitting all nice and quiet,

The mice came out and had a big riot,

First, they knocked over my beer cans,

Then they danced on my pots and pans,

Lucky my cat had mouse in his diet. 

And the mice looked so tasty I had to try it. 

I LOST THE TIGHT SQUEEZE ON MY LOVIE

I went outside when the moon was real bright,

But it was cold and I got some frostbite,

Doc said the frostbite, it lingers,

As he cut off my fingers,

Now I can't hold my Lovie real tight.

I GET OUT MY AIRPLANE GLUE

When I have company, there is little to do,

So I get out my airplane glue,

I have models galore,

I bought half price at the store

It's easier to put them together with a friend or two.