I STEADIED MY JIG TO EAT FISH LIKE A PIG

I went fishing out on the waves so big,

I used 10 lbs of sinkers to steady my jig,

And, did I hook a whopper,

A real surface flopper,

Then, that night I ate fish like a pig.

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

POISED TO BE A WINNER

I am poised to be a winner if, no one else shows up,

I will run the mighty hometown dash and take home the winner's cup,

For although I know I'm slow,

If no one else shows up at go,

I will be attended by my fans tonight at the local brew and sup.

MY SPACESHIP DIDN'T MAKE AND NEITHER DID I

My spaceship didn't get into outer space,

Instead, it crashed upon it's face,

I would have cried,

But, of course I died,

In the angel's choir I sing base.

THE TENOR PIG THAT MADE IT BIG

I gave my pig a real fair choice,
Become a ham or use his voice,
His tenor voice was brilliant,
Really opera resilient,
Now, his ride is a custom Rolls Royce. 

MY SALMON FISHING DAY

Salmon fishing, cold,
Leaky waders, wet socks, POW!!!
Run over, boat, OUCH!!!

GREGG USED A PENCIL TO CLEAN OUT HIS NOSE

Gregg used a pencil to clean out his nose,
It was a poor choice and caused him great woes,
Though he used the eraser end,
It got stuck in the nose bend,
His humiliation just grows and grows.

 

SPACE MONKEY JUSTICE

A space monkey landed on my old car,
He was nasty cause he got drunk at the bar,
He barred his mean teeth,
He bit my little brother named Keith,
So, the space monkey got town justice with feathers and tar.

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.

THE JOHN VIEN TOOTHPICK LEGEND

Old John Vien cut the timber down,

On his eighty acres,

He floated the logs down the stream,

To find some timber takers,

John Vien hopped among the logs,

With a stick to clear logs that cram,

All went well until the water stopped,

At a beaver's big log jam,

Now, John Vien's timber float,

Was ending as the logs crammed tight,

But, John Vien had on his river boat,

A load of dynamite,

The dynamite blew up the dam real good,

But, the logs were now splinters in the air,

That's how John Vien started his toothpick business,

And became a millionaire.

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.

I SMELL A LITTER BOX

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling,
Lately, his litter box has been smelling,
I told my cat to clean it out,
But, he just cracked open another stout,
Then, said that if I didn't clean it out he was telling.

I HIBERNATE BUT I'D RATHER HEAD SOUTH

As Mr. Winter opened his mouth,
Many tweeters flew to the South,
But, when I felt the cold air,
I was a hibernating bear,
Still, I envy critters that are heading douth.

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

2017 ON THE NEGATIVE HAIKU

New Year's Day, Big Deal,

Horizon Bleak, Sunshine Rare,

Year Of The Bed Bug!

MY COMPUTER SCREEN PROBLEM

 My computer screen obscured my view,
Through the window in the door,
I moved my computer screen so my view was true,
Then, my screen crashed upon the floor.

DON'T BLOG BAD FACTS ABOUT SANTA

There were some bloggers on the net,

Who found some facts that many regret,

Regarding a violent Santa Claus,

Who got divorced for just cause,

Now, all Santa's fans are upset. 

MY CRANBERRY WINE HAS GONE BAD

My cranberry wine has gone bad,
It was never too good but it had...
A pungent aroma,
And, it could deliver a coma,
Overall, it wasn't too bad.