HOW NOT TO CLEAN FISH

The fish in my pond had a stench,
I could smell them while I sat on my bench,
The nasty smell I couldn't cope,
I dumped in some soap,
My fish died so pardon my French.

 

ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW. ROW..YOUR BOAT

I went out on Lake Michigan and what did I find?

Rip, roaring waves and other weather unkind,

But with no motor to tote,

My little rowboat,

Was bounced off sharp rocks, didn't mind. 

TOE MONSTERS

Methinks there are monsters between my toes,

At least that's what I think there grows,

I hear growls and roars,

Sometimes belching and snores,

I'd venture with a finger, but fear the finger finds woes.

DU WHOOP LITTLE PONEY, DU WHOOP

Du whoop little pony, Du whoop,

The pigs next door eat and live in just sloop,

But, you get to eat hay,

And, in fresh straw you can lay,

By the way, while the pigs get old veggies you get the new crop.

MY VEGETABLE GARDEN FERTILIZER LIMERICK

My vegetable garden was never real green,
It was mostly brown from the beet to the bean,
But, I never got wiser,
Used the same fertilizer,
From the cat's litter box when I clean.

S'MORES IN THE DRAWERS

The drawer on my desk went real sticky,

So, it wouldn't open up on the quicky,

And, in those dark, sticky moors,

I kept my stuff to make s'moores,

My marshmallows became tacky-ticky.

SENTIMENTS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SLEEP

Why do people want to stone the witches?

Or, quarry bluegills that live in ditches?

Human behavior is so odd,

Does making it relevant require the rod,

And, everywhere we find the itches.

 

MONSTER RAT LIMERICK 1

I saw a big monster rat,
He's twice the size of my cat,
He scared off my dog,
Then slept like a log,
Thanks to my baseball bat.

TIME TRAVEL IS NOT SAFE LIMERICK

My time machine got stuck,
In 1863 in old Kentuck,
Between the Rebs and the Yanks,
They were firing on all flanks,
I was a tachyon master, all out of luck.

MOTHER SEES ALL SNEAKS HAIKU

Mother sees all sneaks,
Sneak candy, sneak out, sneak TV,
Happy Day, from sneaks.

Sneakers, joyful, fun,
Mother sees, caught, sneakers sad,
Mother, job well done.

Toad Master

It's Friday the 13th, and my pie is without mode,

The anti-angel angel upon waves of lava rode,

From the dark web depths, where he'd been writing code,

Came the anti-angel angel with the reward we all sowed,

He made us all low classmates, subservient to the toad.

THERE ONCE WAS A PEASANT NAMED BILL

There once was a peasant named Bill,
Finding pennies gave him a thrill,
He once found a dime,
But, it was only one time,
Finding pennies was his only skill.

I GOT A CALL FROM THE BANK LIMERICK

I got a most unpleasant call from the bank, 
My finances got torpedoed and sank,
When my checks all bounced twice,
I was penalized thrice,
I have my poor math education to thank.

THE HABOOB

A massive haboob slapped me in my naked face,

It knocked me around, and made sandy my whole place,

So I got me a vacuum with a big tube,

And I sucked up the big haboob,

Then I shook out haboob sand from my sheets and pillowcase.

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

TICKS ARE DRINKING MY BLOOD

I have ticks in my garden and they're drinking my blood,

The lack of blood makes me queasy and I fall down and go thud,

It's a mystery to me,

Why, the ticks attack me,

I go swimming so, I'm not covered with crud.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICKS

It's Friday the 13th and all fear they'll be dead,

So, they start off the morning by wetting to bed,

For they are afraid of the creep,

Who'll give them grave sleep,

After the creep machetes off their pretty head.

THE MARTIAN LIMERICK

Martian, Martian from the sky,
How'd you Martians learn to fly,
We once tried space travel here,
But, 'cause of money and fear,
On Earth we're all going to die.

Martian, Martian you have traveled far,
While, we can't build a reliable car,
We can't stay in space,
We're a dumbing-down race,
Remember us when you reach your next star.

THE BIGGEST PICKLE IN THE JAR

I wanted the biggest pickle in the jar,
I gazed through the glass and soon found my star,
So, with my fork I went jar-fishin'
Catchin' the biggest pickle I was wishin'
After days I haven't captured it so far.

FRANKIE THE PIG

There was a pig named Frankie,
He ate pie, doughnuts and tarts,
The food made him smell real skanky,
He was a master of the farts,

Frankie never had a friend,
Except for a girl named Bell,
Frankie married her in the end,
It seems she had no sense of smell.