I WENT TO LONDON TO COOK FOR THE QUEEN

I went to London to cook for the queen,
She liked my firm grits and my crawdads were clean,
And, she said my rock bass,
Added a real touch of class,
Yet, my root-crops looked a trifle obscene.

THE PANCAKE GARDEN

I planted pancakes to see if they'd grow,

But, soon after planting it started to snow,

Then, I cringed up my toes,

For I know that it froze,

And, pancakes in the fall, I won't know.

A CRUSH ON SPRINGY FLOWERS

When the springy spring flowers flower,

Then we get a big snow shower,

The frosty frost shows off it's power,

And, little petals fade and cower,

Crushed beneath the shower tower.

ODE TO THE LEPRECORN-Strange Creature Limerick

There was a creature called the leprecorn,
It was the strangest creature ever born,
A unicorn body it had,
With Leprechaun head mean and mad,
In the middle of the head was a horn.

The leprecorn liked to dance in the woods,
It guarded its gold and the rest of it's goods,
If you came to steal,
He'd give you a deal,
It was a horn in the rump for all hoods.

The leprecorn was the son of McMurry,
When the corn was born all said not to worry,
"He'd outgrow his strange look"'
"If fifty years it took",
Now it's been ninety-five what's the hurry.
,

THE BUBBLE BATH CURE

When trees start growing between your toes,

And, itchy bushes hang out of your nose,

And, your skin is so dry,

Like crust on a pie,

A bubble bath will end most of your woes.

FALSE TEETH IN A JAR

I placed my false teeth in a large mason jar,

To avoid damage during my fight at the bar,

But, bad luck comes as it must,

My jarred teeth got a bust,

And, scattered from the dance floor to the car. 

DILL PICKLES NASTY GAS

Dill pickles give Jerry a nasty gas,
It takes so long for it to pass,
It takes more than one day,
That’s too long most say,
From the mouth to the end of his mass.

GRANNY FIXED UP DOGS AND CATS

At granny's house I got real squirmy

Because granny practiced taxidermy,

She did mostly pet cats and dogs,

Most pets turned out hard as logs,

When the dermy didn't take the critters went wormy.

MIRACLE ON 94TH STREET

In the rain and churning sleet,

I walked and walked until I was beat,

Then, a miracle on 94th Street,

A little diner where I could eat,

It was the most uncomfortable seat,

By a window, there was no heat,

Soon, fully frozen were my feet,

Next, I froze to death with no establishment greet,

I was cremated, a nice warm treat,

They spread my ashes in a field of wheat.

A FISH NAMED HARRY

A fish named Harry grew too big for his pond,
So, he made a wish to a witch with a wand,
To make the pond grow,
Then, Harry could swim deep below,
But, the lake was too salty so Harry felt conned.

MULTIVERSE THEORY PREDICTS ALTERNATIVE NEWS

Many say that I make up fake news,

But, it's just an alternative universe I choose,

It's not better or worse,

It's called the multiverse,

I just choose the verse that echoes my views. 

WHEN THE PRICE OF TOILET PAPER IS JUST TOO HIGH

All the people are oh so pensive,

Because toilet paper is so expensive,

The financial frustration,

Has caused herd constipation,

With flagellation being offensive.

MARTY ATE A LITTLE LAMB

Marty ate a little lamb,

It's fleece was white like snow,

But, when you fry lamb in the pan,

Hopefully, the fleece color you won't know. 

HOW TO BE A NEWS SHOW STAR

If you want people to hear you sing,

Then, you sing only lyrics that are right of wing,

You'll be a famous star,

Invited to parlor par,

And, your coffers will be filling ding, ding, ding.

THE AFTER DINNER ONLINE NEWS SHOW

Every evening after I sup,

I go online and make stuff up,

It's my beer induced views,

Millions call it the news,

Others say, I'm a crazy, dumb pup.

I WENT INTO THE PARLOR BUT, NO ONE WAS THERE

I went into the parlor but, no one was there,

I said what I could but, no one was aware,

I felt desperately beat,

Like a bird who couldn't tweet,

Now, all my grandiose dreams will all end in despair.

As I Perch

As I sit perched in my tin, wheeled villa,

Looking down from atop my hilla,

Onto a highway all curvy derby

Along comes prancing a deer named Herbie,

I fear he's had my pickles and my dilla,

Laying waste to my garden like the Hun Attila.

THE TOAST GHOST MADE ME COAST

When for breakfast, I prepared me some toast,

It fell on the floor and became a meal ghost,

So, with no toast to fill,

My stomach went ill,

Then, all day at my job I did coast.

DIAMONDS ARE A BOYS WORST FRIEND

Although they all say it don't matter,

You can tell when ladies meet and they chatter,

It's high priced diamonds they demand,

Which poor boys can't understand,

For diamonds don't make the wallet grow fatter.

Age, Old, Tired, Teeth

I see you've turned 32,

And, your old soul's feeling blue,

Every workday you rue,

No energy to do,

But, you still got some teeth so, at least you can chew.