WHEN I DRIVE BRING A CHANGE OF UNDERWEAR

The traffic is bad on the road,

I swerved to avoid crushing a toad,

I then side swiped a truck,

Veered i to a ditch full of muck,

Then, my passenger's bowels passed a load.

THE BAT

A bat was nesting beneath boards on my porch,
He came out when down went the daylight torch,
He’d eat bugs all the night,
Then at first light,
He would hide before he could scorch.

A bat left droppings all over my porch boards,
His droppings were many; he ate insects in hoards,
I chased him away,
But, by the end of the day,
He came back and shrieked in hideous chords.

I HAD A BUG UPON MY TOE LIMERICK

I had a bug upon my toe,
He bit it firm and caused me woe,
I had often been bitten by the mosquito fly,
It made me itch until I thought I'd die,
But, the bug on my toe laid eggs to let grow.

MY PLANE NOT FLY HAIKU

Plane not fly, weather,
Coffee, wait, pop, wait, coffee,
Bathroom break, missed plane.

PICKUP RELIABILITY

My old pickup truck, it runs like flirtin',

It takes you so far but, that's not for certain,

It has starts and stops,

It booms, farts and, pops,

If you needs be someplace, you're hurtin',

BE A LIGHTNING ROD AT DORM

To get attention while away at dorm,

Play tetherball during a lightning storm,

It's brave to risk your bod,

Playing round a lightening rod,

Of course, if there's a strike it'll change your form.

SUMMER HOLIDAY BLUES

Summer Holiday,

Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns,

Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

ALWAYS FOLLOW A LEADER IF, THEY HAVE MEAT

Always follow your leader if they might have something to eat,

Especially, if your leader might have candy bars, chips or meat,

Or, Even if it's veggie stew,

That smells just like a stomach flu,

At least it would taste better than, some roadkill on the street.

HOPING FOR AN OINTMENT

My rubber gloves didn't keep the promise of a seal,
After cleaning toilets with chemicals my skin started to peel,
So, to the doctor I go,
With peeled hands for the show,
Hoping for an ointment that will heal.

MY PATH TO GONDOLIER SCHOOL

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis,
But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace,
I was ordered off the court,
To attempt a  new sport,
Now, I'm a  gondolier in old Venice.

The Sunday Sports News

The Sunday paper read is sad,

All my local teams have endings, bad,

But, they will survive,

And, next season thrive,

When this season's over, I'll be glad.

THE MEMORIAL DAY TURKEY LIMERICK

My plumpest turkey was named Steve,

He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve,

Not too much to brag,

But, he saluted the flag,

On Memorial Day morning and eve.
 

THE DEVIL WANTS ME TO DO IT

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied,

He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide,

 The devil asked me a favor,

He wanted a new ice cream flavor,

He wanted the taste of sulfur and knewt eyes deep fat fried.

I WENT TO THE DINER FOR BREAKFAST

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon,

But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken,

It seems every breakfast was free,

For those who got there before me,

A nightmare from which I wish I'd awaken.

A FISH THAT DON'T FLOP CAN MAKE INTERNAL ORGANS ALL STOP

I found a fish up on the shore,

Maybe he once flopped but, he did not flop anymore,

So, I fried him in a vat,

Greased him up with bacon fat,

But, in a few hours he made my innards feel soar.

MY PLASTIC SIDING HAIKU

Wind, Siding,house stripped,
Shredded plastic,neighbor’s yards,
 Mess, insurance? HA!

THE AFTER WORLD

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot,

Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot,

So, you move out to the woods

With cases of canned and dry goods,

And, try to get by growing pot.

TWO DRAGONS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two dragons walked into a bar,

They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar,

The smell was not appealing,

Then, they stuck their heads through the ceiling,

Just to make a wish upon their lucky star.

WHAT YOU DON'T DO WITH BLEACH

I went to polish my best table's top,
It was stained with coffee and red soda pop,
I wish someone would teach,
You don't polish with bleach,
Or, at least someone would have yelled at me "STOP!"

MR. MITCHELL'S CUPCAKES LIMERICK

Mitchell and his cousin owned a lot of land,
So, they opened up a big box cup cake stand,
Mitchell sold only a few dozen,
But, between him and his cousin,
They each developed a diabetic gland.

I GOT BIG PROBLEMS

A penny for your thoughts but, a dollar if you don't share,✋

I have my own problems and, they're too much to bear,🐻

My toaster don't work,😱

My boyfriend's a jerk,🤹

He bought me an apple and, I wanted a pear.🍐

MY COW NAMED MOSES

I owned a cow named Moses,
Instead of hooves she had big toeses,
I could not keep them clean,
She got really mean,
So, I picked her a bunch of roses.

THE TOMATO PLANT FROST LIMERICK

I cannot begin to figure the cost,

For my tomato garden was destroyed by frost,

Some say they tire of my rants,

That I should have covered my plants,

True but, I've already worked to the point of exhaust.

I FORGOT TO PACK STUFF

Can I borrow your toothbrush because, I left mine home,

I'm afraid I'll need to use it while, I'm visiting your dome,

Don't fret, I have no disease,

Unless, you count STDs,

And, I must borrow your shaver and foam

I Horde Gas

I horde and store gas in plastic sandwich bags,

It's safe cause I wrap the bags in paper towels and old rags,

When I have spent my last bill,

And, when my mobile home has it's fill,

The floor on my trailer, it sags

A PINCHY OF HERBS FOR BLURBS

Sometimes my sauces I disturbs,

By adding just a pinchy of herbs,

I simmer my sauces well,

Till they're all bubbly and swell,

And, my family gassy family makes blurbs and more blurbs.

MR. ROBIN REMEMBERED

Mr. Robin had a broken wing,
But, he'd still tell jokes and act and sing,
He did his best, 
For us chicks in the nest,
He'll be remembered for doing that thing.

MY HOUSING HIGH

Housing prices are incredibly high,

So, I sold mine to give leisure a try,

But, after the mortgage and closing cost,

Instead of a profit, I lost,

Now, that I'm homeless and bankrupt, I cry.

THE WEBSITE TROLLS

My website is visited by trolls,
I fear they have nefarious goals,
When a sentence I complete,
If they don't like it they'll delete,
They must be from the dark web of souls.

I WENT DOWN TO THE DEVIL

I went to the devil to make me this deal,

I loved one that back for me, had nadda feel,

The devil told me my prime,

Was lost too long in time,

He said, "No looks, no money, get real."

I AM WHAT I AM BECAUSE OF MY MA AND PA

I am so lucky to have my ma and pa,

They raised me on coffee and tobacco chaw,

Although, my teeth were all black,

And, my chaw spit caught me flack,

I became the town marshal and law.

BUGS FOR BREAKFAST (Breakfast of Trampions)

On my heart my tummy tugs,

I was so hungry, I ate bugs,

But, a tummy that begs,

Shouldn't eat bugs with long legs,

I got hospitalized and some hugs.

WHY BOTHER WITH FLOWERS

All my flowers just died in their rows,

Every time I'm done planting it freezes and snows,

Of course, the freezing will be done,

By the August last Sun,

Alas, by the Ides of September the frosty wind  blows.

NOBODY TELLS ME

Nobody told me electricity can arc,

Or, that a dog will bite before giving a bark,

Nobody told me I could drown in deep water,

Or, boil my brains in a bath I made hotter,

Or, I should turn on my lights when I drive after dark.

PEACH TREE THROUGH THE FLOOR

My porch had a peach tree growing up through the boards,

I couldn't cut it down with my machete swords,

For the peaches were sweet,

And, I had no money to eat,

At times providence has it's own rewards.

JIM WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING ON THE 9TH OF MAY

Jim went trick-or-treating, 
On the 9th of May,
He didn't get any candy,
But, he got a 90 day jail stay,

It was not very funny,
When the neighbors called the cops,
Because Jim was dressed like a Playboy Bunny,
And, his breath just wreaked with hops,

The judge didn't care that it was all for candy,
Instead, he just slowly shook his head,
He said Jim was a real "Jim Dandy,"
And, in county lock-up he'd make his bed,

The days each passed like they were years,
And, Jim yearned for candy more and more,
But, the next time he wouldn't trick-or-treat,
Deciding, he'd just take it from a store.

SPIT-PLAY WITH FOUR

They put phlegm in my coffee so, I could not stay,

If you spit in my coffee, I go away,

The waiter was a jerk,

And, I was so late for work,

At four, I'm out of work and we'll continue our play.

MY GUPPY NAMED JERRY I FOUND ON THE FLOOR LIMERICK

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor,
He had been there for a day or, two maybe more,
I scraped up his dried remains,
And, it gave me such great pains,
As I flushed him down the toilet with a roar.