I ENTERED A BEAUTY CONTEST LIMERICK

I entered a beauty contest,

And, I gave it all of my best,

But, I had disproportional stacking,

And, way too much backing,

Of course, my hair was a big bedbug nest.   

THE NEEDLE IN THE THIGH SUGAR HIGH

I thought I was going to die,

When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh,

It hurt so bad I had to cry,

Then, I looked at my tailor and didn't have to ask why?

My tailor had all over his tie,

A chocolate bar both melted and dry,

It seems my tailor was on a sugar high,

So, I thought I'd give another tailor a try.

OBEY THE LAW OR YOU WILL BE SPLAYED

In Midland they have an old saying,

In Clare it's a law worth obeying,

Don't eat any old Christmas wreath,

For it will green up your teeth,

And, your entrails will feel like their splaying. 

PRESCRIPTION SPILLS ADD TO MY BILLS

Because of frequent spills,

I ran out of my prescription pills,

When I asked to replace,

My insurance said "face,"

So, replacement costs are one more of my bills.

THE SPARROW'S NUMBER WAS UP

For the sparrow it was up, his number,

He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber,

His life had past,

So brief, so fast,

One dead bird sitting on dead lumber,

THE NETHERWORLD ONLINE

I found the nether world online,

A place where pop and chips recline,

It's a place to slumber,

With re-attributed lumber,

Where my firebox becomes  the place I hang wine.

THE ONLINE DOC

Bobby was not well attended,

When he broke his arm it barely mended,

The doc's degree they say,

The doc won on eBay,

"Highest bid," the doc defended.

AN ICE FISHERMAN'S REVENGE

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake,
He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take,
But, he would not share,
So, to make it all fair,
I locked him in my shanty and turned the stove up to bake.

NO CALENDAR NEW YEAR

It's January One and it is the worst,

The new year has begun and it's already the first,

Auld Lang Syne we have sang,

And, I have no calendar to hang,

Soon, the vein in my forehead shall burst.

 

POOR PLANNING ON MY NEW YEAR'S EVE

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve,

Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve,

And, deep the motor went humming,

Be there till second coming,

Perhaps insurance will grant me reprieve.

MERMAID IN A CAN OR PSYCHOLOGY 101

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch,

I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much,

So, tuna fish at my house is under a family ban,

But, we all chow down on what I've renamed "Mermaid In A Can." 

GEORGE WAITED TO SEE THE NEW YEAR

George waited to see the New Year,
He drank fifty cans of light beer,
To the bathroom he went,
He stayed in there 'till Lent,
So he misssed all the fun and the cheer.

A BAD LIMERICK

I made a limerick up last week,
Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak,
It wasn’t funny,
Or sad or sunny,
And, its wisdom you would not seek.

CANNING TOMATOES HAIKU

Canning tomatoes,
Big mess on counter and floor,
Spoiled, belly ache.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED TOO LOUD

There was a band that played too loud,
They were really bad but, quite proud,
They could not rap,
Nor rhythm tap,
They could never did draw a big crowd.

MY PRETTY PET PIG

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken,
When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon,
I fed her a lunch,
It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”,
She wonders why her heart had been achin’.

THE MIXED METAPHOR OPINIONS

Once I was a young belligerent fool,

My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool,

I was a well meaning gent,

But, my opinions were  too bent,

To make them a real useful tool.

   

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

SANTA WENT FISHING LIMERICK

Santa went fishing way out on a bay,
He ran out of bait so he used his tope,
He caught a big steelhead trout,
His tope went to the bottom no doubt,
Now, Santa is bald untill this very day.

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.