BARNY THE WICCAN

Barny was a practicing wiccan,
His familiar was a farm chicken,
If you want some good luck,
Get the chicken to cluck,
If he don't cluck you'll have some slim pickin'.

A LAMENT FOR BILLY THE BATTERY

Billy was a battery,
He didn’t last very long,
His very short longevity,
Seems extremely wrong,

Now Billy’s lost and tormented soul,
Is haunting me every night,
His untimely death has taken its toll,
I can’t see with my worthless flashlight.

FITTY WAS WITTY BUT NOT WITH HIS NUTS

There was a squirrel named Fitty,

His contemporaries thought he was witty,

But, he picked his nuts way too green,

His belly ached nasty and mean,

Instead of accolades, he only got pity.
 

THE BALLAD OF BILLY DEED

This is the story of Billy Deed,
He was in a giant pickle,
Billy Deed was a pickle seed,
He froze and became a pickle-sickle

In the spring when he thawed out,
He thought he'd get his chance,
But, a pickle seed when it's thawed out,
Is a favorite food of ants.

TAMMY WAS CURSED BY A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER-Limerick

Tammy was chugging vodka and apple cider,
When she swallowed a cursed black widow spider,
It bit her in the throat,
She then started to bloat,
Now, she eats all the flies that land beside her.

MAGGIE THE PIG THAT SUED

Maggie was a pig, who liked to really sue,
If you looked at her wrong your court date was due,
She would haul you in,
Accuse you of sin,
And take all that you accrue.

Maggie was an evil pig,
She liked to pick you pocket,
If you accused her of her gig,
She'd sue you on the court docket.

Maggie the pig was a schemer,
She was a conniving dreamer,
She would take you to court,
Then there she’d report,
You owed her your blood and your femur.

JIM'S PICKUP SLID RIGHT OFF THE ROAD-Limerick

Jim's pickup slid right off of the road,
It was a wreck and had to be towed,
Jim's car would not start,
Nor would his golf cart,
So he hitchhiked and that's how he goed.

MOW THE GRASS

It’s the time of the year to mow the grass,
Although I’d rather just take a pass,
My mower don’t run,
It’s hot in the sun,
The bugs bite me all over my mass.

Mowing the grass is a mortal sin,
It will just grow right back again,
If my heart has an attack,
I'll never grow back,
So, why not let the long grass win?

POOR WEASEL PAUL

Poor Weasel Paul went and bit on a bear,
Which he wouldn't have done, but for Weasel Will's dare,
It's not much of a hunch,
What the bear had for lunch,
Which gave Weasel Will a big scare.

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a coke.

SIMON WAS A GIANT CRAWDAD

Simon was a giant crawdad,
He ate dead fish and smelled real bad,
He brushed twice a day,
And used mouthwash they say,
He still had no friends and felt sad.

I CAME UPON A FOREST FROG

I came upon a green forest frog,
He barked just like a domestic dog,
He had a bad habit,
He liked to hunt rabbit,
When they bit him he ran under a log.

George the frog would hunt for bunny,
He wanted to get one and make some money,
He hunted with a gun,
But, it was no fun,
George decided to hunt bees for their honey.

WENDELL HAD A WOOD STOVE

Wendell installed a wood stove,
It burned down half his house,
He could have lived in the other half,
But, he was kicked out by his spouse,

Wendell lived out on the street,
He was not so very fine,
He lost his shoes and had bare feet,
But, was comforted with wine,

Wendell had it really good,
But, made a really big mistake,
So, if your heat source uses wood,
Install it right for goodness sake.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY

This little piggy went to sleep,
His girlfriend dumped him and called him a creep,
A second little piggy went all the way home,
His wife gave him an ultimatum and said he couldn't roam,

The third little piggy stayed out all night,
Drinking and carousing and doing what is not right,
The piggy befriended a wolf and they became really tight,
The third little piggy vanished right out of sight,

If you are a little piggy you had best behave,
Or a wolf's stomach will become your nasty grave,
Don't be a creep, a drunk or hang out at the bar,
Stay home with your loved ones and you'll be their bright star.

THE SNEAKY BANKER

I made an appointment with my bank,
Because my savings was in the tank,
The interest paid was one percent,
More income was my meetings intent,

My banker looked at me really sad,
He said having a savings account was bad,
He said but, if I bought bonds I'd be real glad,
I'd earn a rate of return like dear old dad,

So, I gave him my money he invested it fast,
He said I'd be rich and my riches would last,
His firm had made billions for all in the past,
Their investments were sound and incredibly vast,

After that I went home and really slept well,
I knew that my investments would certainly swell,
But, the morning paper said it was too late to sell,
The investments I bought had all gone to hell,

It seems what I had bought my broker sold short,
Which he did not mention in his report,
My money was lost, it was too late to abort,
And the laws had been changed, I couldn't take him to court,

So, please learn this lesson about who you can trust,
If you trust in your banker you will surely go bust,
He's sneaky and, cleaver and, loves to deceive,
He purchased the laws, he has his reprieve.

ROLAND THE ANT AND THE WINTER STORM LIMERICK

Roland the ant was caught in a winter storm,
Roland had no way to keep himself warm,
But, he found an ant hill,
And, that was a thrill,
He got to lodge in an ant co-ed dorm.

WENDEL ATE TOO MUCH WHOOPEE WEED

Wendel was a poisoned frog,
He ate too much whoopee weed,
He'd be fine if he just ate the stalks,
But, he also ate the seed,

No one knew how sick Wendel was,
Because his skin was always green,
They thought Wendel had just caught a buzz,
Until he coughed up half his spleen,

Wendel made it to a medic,
Now he is o.k.
He just had a three day headache,
Whoopee weed he avoids today.

THE HOUSE WARMING

My woodstove was in a really bad spot,
It was in the library with books and that lot,
Well my yard looks really neat,
The house burnt up quite complete,
All that’s left is the wood stove and pot.

TO A MOUSE REVISITED AND REVISED

While digging in my garden,
I came across a mouse,
But, unlike old Robert Burns,
I loved to destroy his house,

Old Burns loved the mousey,
Felt sorry for his lot,
I might like the mousey too,
If I didn’t know his plot,

The little mouse sneaks in my house,
He contaminates my food,
He leaves behind his raisons,
I think that’s awfully rude,

The mouse runs across my bedding,
He fills it all with lice,
I itch and scratch and wheeze all night,
And, pay an awful price,

Robert Burns thought that mice were fine,
He felt guilt and didn't wish them ill ,
Burns made peace with all in “Auld Lang Syne”,
With mice I know I never will,

They can send all the mice to Scotland,
To stay with Robert Burns,
He’s out on cemetery road,
With the statues and the urns.

A CRAWDAD GRABBED ME BY MY BIG TOE

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe,
He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe,
But, with my new shotgun,
I just knew I had won,
The crawdad and toe vaporized with one blow.