MY RENT IS DUE ON THE 10TH LIMERICK

Every month on the 10th,
That’s when I must pay the rent,
Today it is due,
But, my paycheck it flew,
So, tomorrow I’ll be out in a tent.

MARTY THE NAUGHTY FLY

Marty was a naughty fly,
He liked to sit on dog poo,
Then he’d fly upon my hair,
After a fresh shampoo,

I tried to swat old Marty,
I just hit my ear,
Then Marty smiled and dove in,
My fresh poured ginger beer.

A LAMENT FOR MY GREEN-SNAKE

My giant pet green-snake named Nork,
Ate only pizza with pepperoni and pork,
Poor Nork died from the wheeze,
When his pizza had cheese,
Nork had a food allergy since he lived in County Cork.

THE FISH PHILOSOPHY

Ernie the minnow lived in the weeds,
Swimming and eating were his only needs,
He swam to and fro,
With no real place to go,
Doing nothing was the best of his deeds.

COYOTES ARE AFTER MY PIZZA

The coyotes are out on the street,

They want my pizza to eat,

They got the pizza guy,

But from his hands they can't pry,

Sigh, my pizza has extra cheese and triple meat.

A GREEN FROG NAMED TOOTIE Limericks

Tootie is a big green frog,
She eats pizza like a hog,
She tops it with flies ,
With a side of fries,
She's heavy and sinks like a log.

There was a green frog named Tootie,
She thought eating was her duty,
She ate pastries and flies,
Hamburgers and French fries,
She was ate by a snake named Hootie.

Tootie was a frog that lived outside,
She didn't clean up or take any pride,
She was covered with mud,
Toads called her a dud,
She would not change instead, she would hide.

E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,

A person of interest, maybe a spy,

He spoke fluent Yeti,

Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 

Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,

She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,

What she overheard, 

She recalled word for word,

Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,

Some say his enemies just evened a score,

The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,

And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,

The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,

She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,

Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,

But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,

And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.

I WENT VACATIONING IN MICHIGAN'S UPPER P. LIMERICK

I went vacationing in Michigan’s Upper P.
I bought great souvenirs and drank wild raspberry tea,
I went panning for gold,
What I found I then sold,
I then picked up green stones by Superior Sea.

MY LIZARD SCISSORED AND GOT AWAY

In the middle of a blizzard,

I went out to walk my lizard,

On my leg he took a wizard,

So I tried grabbing him by the gizzard,

Then into the woods he scissored.

That's how he got away.😭

THE CHICKENED REALLY GOOD-LIMERICK

I had some chickened noodles, chickened really good,

They tasted like fresh chicken, like chickened noodles always should,

Then I ate a roadkill stew,

Tasted skunky, pew,

Then I drank pine needle tea, and it tasted just like wood.

A BIG HAIRY BIGFOOT HAD ENTERED MY HOUSE

A big hairy Bigfoot had entered my house,
By the racket, I knew it wasn't a mouse,
But when it shaved in the shower,
And sang with such power,
I knew the Bigfoot was only my spouse. 

BARNABAS MAKES HIS OWN BEER

Barnabas makes his own beer,
With water he gets off the pier,
Now the beer is real malty,
But so terribly salty,
High blood pressure you might want to fear.

TO BUY OR RENT MY CAMPING GEAR

I did not know if I should rent,

My camping gear, my boat, my tent,

Finally, everything I bought,

Even my fish was not caught,

I love fish with that store bought clean scent.  

MY DOG IS LOADED WITH FLEAS

My dog is loaded with fleas,
They bite him and bite me with ease,
The fleas love the shampoo,
They swim like Shamoo,
They get in my lungs and I wheeze.

THERE WAS A KING NAMED BLIMPLE LIMERICK

There was a king named Blimple,
His mind was really simple,
He ate pizza and wine,
Until half past nine,
Then he exploded like a big pimple.

BEWARE THE CLEARANCE PICKLE RELISH

I bought some pickle relish at the local discount store,
I purchased it on clearance cause I could not pay no more,
But when I opened the jar at home,
The relish spit up foam,
And it smelled so bad I threw it out the door.

TRY A TIRE MIX FOR YOUR NEXT DINNER PARTY

I was told my cousin had food from a beast,

So, I went to Grayling for the great feast,

It was a rodent from the road,

Tire mixed with a toad,

And, some snake which I liked the least.

BENNY STEPPED ON A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

Benny stepped on a Black widow spider,
The spider bit him on the toe,
Although Benny did not suddenly die,
He felt a great deal of woe,

Benny’s toe turned really green,
And then it turned really blue,
His toe swelled up till it was obscene,
Then Benny cried Ooh, Ooh,

Benny washed his toe real clean,
He finally nursed it well,
He covered it with Vaseline,
Mixed with petroleum gel,

Now Benny wears shoes all the time,
He will never take any chance,
His recovery was just sublime,
Yet, his toe still hurts too much to dance.

THE STATE FAIR

I went to visit the state fair,

The animals were nude, naked and bare,
I found it obscene,
My eyes were unclean,
I wished I had never gone there.

ODE TO THE HAIRY TUNA

There is a hairy tuna,
He swims out in the sea,
Where the hairy tuna swims,
Is where hairy tuna be,

The hairy tuna eats small fish,
He eats them night and day,
When small fish see him coming,
They'd best swim fast away,

The hairy tuna swims real fast,
No net or line he fears,
If you dream of catching him,
Your dreams will turn to tears,

The hairy tuna will soon retire,
To the Caribbean Sea,
To see if children he can sire,
As hairy and fast as he.