A ZOMBIE CAME AND ATE MY LUNCH

A zombie came and ate my lunch,
It was two root beers and Captain Crunch,
I asked why he didn’t eat me,
He said I was too smelly,
So, I gave that old zombie a punch.

DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

TAINTING THEN PAINTING: OYSTERS FOR SUPPER

I served some oysters that were tainted,

Result, my toilets my kinfolk painted,

Then, as my home filled with vapors,

I had to go buy toilet papers,

At last, with sights and smells, I done well fainted.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,

It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store,

And, without my coffee buzzy,

The world is looking fuzzy,

I guess I'll just pass out and fall on the floor. 

MY BLUEBERRIES ON HOLD

My dried blueberries were all full of mold,

I kept them in the crawlspace which is a bad place I'm told

So, I ordered more,

To be brought to my door,

But, the season is over so, my order is on hold.

I CUT A BUG IN TWO LIMERICK

With a knife I cut a bug in two,
Then from each half a new half grew,
Each bug gave me a bite,
The pain inspired an insight,
"Squashing the bug was the right thing to do".

THE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING LIMERICK

Texting and driving I just overdo,
That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo,
Then, all the bears left their cage,
Went on an eating rampage,
Now, the victim's families are threatening to sue. 

NO GINGERBREAD FOR WHEN I SLED

Someone ate my gingerbread,
That I had saved for riding sled,
Now, out through the snow,
I must hungry go,
Without being gingerbread fed.

VILLAGE WITHOUT INTERNET (A Curse of Witches)

I live in a village where witches are banned,

So, Sunday burnings of found witches is planned,

The witches curse us and wiggle,

As we towns folk all giggle,

And, the towering infernal is fanned.

PLEASE ZOMBIES, LEAVE MY BRAINS ALONE

Please, zombies leave my brains alone,
It took years of schoolwork to get them grown,
There are not that many there,
That I have any brains to spare,
Besides, my skull is a really rock hard bone,

Addendum:
Biting my skull is so uncouth,
Besides, you might just break a tooth,
You see for you zombies I really care,
So, go get your brain food from elsewhere.

WHEN IN A STUPID PLACE, DO AS THE STUPID DO OR, YOU'LL GET BURNED

My neighbor's mathematics uses just fingers and toes,

So, head sums brought me a witchcraft sentence of woes,

My neighbors burned me at the stake,

Then, my cows they did take,

When amongst the stupid, using your brain really blows.

PRACTICAL PETER AND HIS LITTLE BRO HARVEY

Practical Peter, the over eater, over ate so, that one day he wouldn't starve,

Practical Peter, with a girth of three meter, ate just meat that he carefully carved,

He selected meat young and tender,

From fat animals, none slender,

Practical Peter got an electric seater when, come up missing was his little bro Harv.

I CHEAT AND MUST GET PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

I fall for one type and, they are called villain,

They cheat on me and tell me to be chillin',

And, what is worse more,

When I try to even the score,

I end up being prescribed penicillin.

TWO MONKEYS IN MY BATHROOM

Two monkeys broke into my bathroom and they both used my toothbrush,

One monkey drank my mouthwash because that monkey was a lush,

The other chewed my toilet paper,

That was his major caper,

I'm so embarrassed by these crimes I think I'll be hush, hush.

HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy him a stogy.

MY HIGH SCHOOL HALFTIME MARCHING BAND

The trumpets were blasting in the middle of the game,

The woodwinds were flat and the drum section was lame,

Yet, out on the field,

Even in rain they didn't yield,

And, the marching band at half-time earned their fame.

Some marchers swerved to the left,
Some swerved to the right,
Some lines stretched out,
Some lines got tight,

And, all through the drenching rain,
Their lips and fingers were either numb or in pain,
But, the marchers knew dedication would not be forgot,
For their final formation was a big tater tot.

JUNE FIRST QUARTER MOON LIMERICK

In June there was a first quarter moon,
My cell new phone went dead way too soon,
I would not say it was bad luck,
But, I got hit by a truck,
My car looks like a deflated balloon.

PHIL THE FARMER-Limerick

Phil the farmer really likes his lunch,
He eats ham and, cheese and, cherry punch,
His teeth have gone bad,
And, he lost them, so sad,
He can't eat anything that goes crunch.

MY COMPUTER HAD A BAD DAY

My computer had a really bad day,

My spilled coffee made my Windows go away,

My computer made a scene,

By giving me a blank screen,

I got it fixed but, boy did I pay.

DANCING DON THE POLKA DANCE KING

Dancing Don was the great polka dance king,
He danced the polka at every wing ding,
But, one day he fell,
And, gave out a yell,
Now, his leg has a cast and his arm has a sling.