JIM WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING ON THE 9TH OF MAY

Jim went trick-or-treating, 
On the 9th of May,
He didn't get any candy,
But, he got a 90 day jail stay,

It was not very funny,
When the neighbors called the cops,
Because Jim was dressed like a Playboy Bunny,
And, his breath just wreaked with hops,

The judge didn't care that it was all for candy,
Instead, he just slowly shook his head,
He said Jim was a real "Jim Dandy,"
And, in county lock-up he'd make his bed,

The days each passed like they were years,
And, Jim yearned for candy more and more,
But, the next time he wouldn't trick-or-treat,
Deciding, he'd just take it from a store.

SPIT-PLAY WITH FOUR

They put phlegm in my coffee so, I could not stay,

If you spit in my coffee, I go away,

The waiter was a jerk,

And, I was so late for work,

At four, I'm out of work and we'll continue our play.

MY GUPPY NAMED JERRY I FOUND ON THE FLOOR LIMERICK

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor,
He had been there for a day or, two maybe more,
I scraped up his dried remains,
And, it gave me such great pains,
As I flushed him down the toilet with a roar. 

LIVE

Live this life the best you can for it's all you're going to get,

And, all the reverends who tell you different, 

Are just perverts full of shit.

THE ALIEN TOOTHACHE

The peanut was stuck in my black hole cavity,

By antimatter, antioxidants and antigravity,  

And, in the space-time of my brain,

I felt space alien pain,

The goober is Earth's defense by depravity.

DON'T TRUST BEARS CAUGHT BENEATH A TREE

I found a bear caught beneath a fallen tree,
I got behind him and pushed the big bear free,
I thought I made a new friend,
But, where did I end?
In the bear's belly; where else would I be?

RILEY'S HIDDEN RAINBOW

Riley hid his rainbow just off his reading room,

Dreading dear dad discover thus, demanding Riley's doom,

Cased within calm closets care,

Riley's rainbow rested there,

Until, the future world came, Boom!

THE NEIGHBORLY HILLS

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes,

They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes,

In my neighborhood,

Most are proud they're no good,

So, I never accept gifts of cookies or cakes.

MY HAMSTER IN SPACE

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day,
Next day, he got revenge in his own way,
When I gave my fella a little hand stroke,
His sharp teeth gave my hand a really deep poke,

Blood spurted and spurted all over the floor,
All over the doorknob as I rushed out the door,
I grabbed my cell phone and the ambulance came quick,
Then, it was off to the hospital; the sight of blood made me sick,

Luckily, the bleeding was quickly stopped,
A single small bandage covered the vein that was popped,
After a week in the hospital I was all healed,
The little scab under the bandage was easily peeled,

At home my hamster had taken over my house,
He chased off the dog and ate my pet grouse,
He ripped up my newspapers and made a nest in my bed,
Increasing I wished that my hamster was dead,

Of course, I decided to serve up revenge that was ice cold,
I developed a plan that was clever and bold,
To this hamster I was especially nice,
I spoke in soft words and bought him toys so high priced,

Then, when the hamster thought I'd  not seek retribution,
It was time for my plan to achieve institution,
Of course sweet revenge is what I sought and I got,
For I volunteered my hamster to be a deep space astronaut.

MY WOODSTOVE HAS GONE KAPUT

My woodstove has gone kaput,
It’s rusted out and backed up with soot,
There was so much smoke in the house,
All the carpeting is deloused,
And, I’m freezing from my head to my foot.

THE RED STRAWBERRY ANTS

I went and planted a strawberry jar,
Full of strawberry plants,
But, when the strawberries were sweet plump and ripe,
I found the strawberries all full of red ants,

My strawberry jar was a real disappoint,
And, so were my strawberry plants,
Now, the ants are running amok in my joint,
And, they bite me neath the cuffs of my pants.

I WISH I WAS A COWBOY

I wish I was a cowboy then, I'd ride on into town,

I'd get myself some bacon, and some flour and, ground round,

I'd sit out on a moon lit night,

And, watch the twinkling buggies bite,

Listening to the sound of the rocker-siding pound.

THE OLD MAN AND THE CAVE

There was an old man who did not like to shave,

He did not shower either so, he moved into a cave,

But, when his campfire started to smoke,

The old man started to choke,

So, he cancelled his plans for a rave. 

I ALWAYS WEAR MY COVID MASK JUST TO TICK EM OFF

I wear a Covid mask everywhere I go,

Whether going to the mailbox or, driving very slow,

I wave to all but, do not linger,

Their return wave is just one finger,

Maybe we'll be friends again to celebrate Ho, Ho, Ho.

HOW TO PREPARE OLIVE FLAVORED TOMATOS

My tomato is not very sweet,

It tastes like olive in the meat,

But, hamburger will help,

Then, no partaker will yelp,

And, I'll stuff it all in a bacon wrapped, deep fat fried pickled beet.

WASH AWAY MAN

I forded the river but fell in the stream,
As I washed away I let out a scream,
My scream did not bring me luck,
I scraped through rocks, sticks and muck,
Still, I managed to stay pretty clean.

DUCKS IN A CAN: A WAREHOUSE GHOST STORY

I work at a warehouse loading up trucks,

Today in from Peking, I loaded cans filled with cooked ducks,

But, in the cans I was stacking

The ducks started quaking,

I guess, being a duck crammed in a can really sucks.🦆

HOW A LOOSER CAN BE A WINNER AT POOL

Jimmy always made money by losing at pool,

I once observed his profession from a nearby bar stool,

While an opponent leaned forward to shooty, 

Jimmy grabbed wallet booty, 

So, Jimmy the looser was really quite cool.

MY HAMBURGER SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY TODAY

My hamburger smelled a little funny today,
It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray,
I'm not a real fussy lad,
So, I ate what I had,
But, tonight I'm afraid I will pay.

THE SHALLOW HOLE OUTHOUSE

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole,

Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul,

But, I was celebrated by kin,

When one of the little ones fell in,

And, was pulled out with a cane fishing pole.