THE TWISTING TURTLE

There's a snapping turtle who does the twist,

He stands on hind legs while each front leg makes a fist,

One of those swerving long-neckers, 

Making moves like Chubby Checkers,

All night long til the sun cuts the mist.

I ONCE BECAME SO PARANOID

I once became so paranoid,
That I stopped eating glue,
Because I thought it might contain,
A horse or two I knew,

I once became so paranoid,
I thought my goldfish might attack,
I was so afraid I wouldn't clean his jar,
And, found him lying on his back,    

I once became so paranoid,
I thought the sun would rise no more,
So, I bought ten thousand light bulbs,
And, cleaned out the light bulb store.

DONNY OF THE DIAPER, COMPLAINS

Donny likes to cruelly criticize,

Yet, hates reports of his small hand size,

Donny is chief amongst grippers,

While sitting in squishy diapers,

Blaming others for his showbiz demise.

MATH STINKS LIMERICK

Billy liked to play with math,
So much so he missed his bath,
And, although he did stink,
He did calc in a blink,
I'm jealous of his career path.  

ANOTHER WINTER WORK DAY (OR NOT)

I got up this morning and my coffee was cold,

My glazed doughnuts were glazed over with green mold,

My truck was froze and the battery dead,

So, I gave up and went back to bed,

Another winter work day put on hold.

SHORT ORDER COOK LIMERICK

The only job that I could book,

Was working part time as a short order cook,

Now, my burgers were crunchy,

My fries dry and bunchy,

But, my food's fine if you try not to look.

 

MY LITTLE GARBAGE PALS

All my little mice had nothing to eat,

After I took the garbage out to the street,

Then, all the mice disappeared,

And, my eyes got all teared,

I miss how the mice would lick on my feet.

THE MAHJONG EXCITEMENT LIMERICK

I went online to play to play a game of Mahjong,
The game was so exciting that I bit into my tongue,
Then I lost, what a disgrace,
And, out the side of my face,
My poor throbbing tongue sadly hung.

LOST LOVE

Within the shadow on the wall there were two eyes of blue,

No shadow I have ever dreamed had two eyes but, you,

So awkward, we look into the past,

And, remember love that did not last,

Knowing in our final dream that our lost love, we rue.

EDGAR IS MY VALENTINE

It was February 13 and I had a valentine to find,

So, I tried to be witty; I tried being kind,

I gave away money,

But, no one would be my honey,

So, it was with my cat Edgar I dined.

THE ROOSTER ON THE MENU, NOT

The eagles raided my hen house and they raided it really bad,

They took all my hens away and I was oh, so sad,

Then, I had a morale booster,

For along came the rooster,

His meat was tough, he got rejected, I'm glad.

I ESCAPED THE FACE ROCK

While I was tripping around in deep space,

I found a rock that had a humanoid face,

The face chomped down on my port side,

I could have easily died,

But, I got away with a spray of space mace.

MAYO MADE ME MAD

There's bacteria in my refrigerator,

There's bacteria on my floor,

There's bacteria on my doorknob,

So, I don't go out the door,

I keep no food in my refrigerator,

Nor, walk anywhere in my place,

I just hop around on the furniture,

And, eat bugs to fill my face,

Now, some would claim I'm insane,

And doctors, it's everyone,

But, I once suffered great bacterial pain,

From mayo I let sit out in the sun.

   

THE TURTLE IN MY BASEMENT

I saw a giant turtle crawling across the snow,

I knew that he would freeze to death,

Because, there were only snowy places to go,

I asked him inside to sit with me,

I gave him a cookie and some chamomile tea,

The tea made him talkative and he said his name was Lee,

He told me a squirrel had dug open his hole,

He couldn't reheat it because he ran out of coal,

So, I let him stay in the basement and in the spring he could stroll.

A SNOW DAY IN MICHIGAN

The cold blowing air puts an ache in all my teeth,

If my frostbite lasts much longer, I'll earn an R.I.P. wreath,

The cold, howling winds sing a song,

I think a dirge; I hope I'm wrong,

Is my grave a snow drift that I'll soon be underneath?  

TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL OR NOT TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL?

Should I go ice fishing or watch the great football game?
My team is not playing and that is so lame,
But, if it is ice fishing I choose?
If it's thin ice I lose,
Besides, football's exciting and what's in a name?

HUNGER HAIKU

Starve, Desperation,
Canned cheese, crackers, candy bar,
Filling, heartburn, sick.

JIMMY'S WINTER COOKOUT

Jimmy's winter cookout big time failed,

When his frightened guests hastily bailed,

You see, Jimmy lit a tire,

For his cookout fire,

And, across the yard the fire sailed.

FISHING ON ICE ISLAND

I went ice fishing one sunny spring day,
I walked out on the ice on the bay,
But, when I turned around,
I was deep water bound,
My ice island and I floated away.

I TRIPPED MY ROBOT NAMED SAM

My new robot's name is Sam,
He made me a breakfast with raw eggs and fried ham,
But, the silverware wasn't clean,
And, I became rather mean,
When, I tripped Sam and he fell over, bam!