MY MANGY TIPS

My pay is in the lower range,

In fact, most weeks I'm paid with change,

I mostly get tips,

Like return bottle slips,

Or, I should shower to get did of my mange.

GINGER BEER SUCCESS

No one foretold of the tree that was old that fell on the cabin last year,

Then, when the crushed cabin sold the new owners went bold, starting a brewery that made ginger beer,

The gross margins they nailed,

And, the stock price, it sailed,

So, they retired and live nowhere near.

Dedicated to Antwon

WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES MR. SNOW

If my strawberry plants could enforce their say,

They'd force the spring snowfalls to go away,

Strawberry baby making is hard,

While snow covers every yard,

And, causes a strawberry season delay.

 

TWO CANS OF TUNA AND SALMON MAKES IT THREE

I went to the grocery store to buy some tuna fish,

They only let me have two cans but, three was my wish,

The tuna order was short that day,

So, like a good sport I did obey,

I just added a can of salmon to make my fishy dish.

A WORM ATE MY DIPLOMA

I've spent my youth trying to complete my senior term,

I would have made it this time but, my belly got a worm,

The worm causes discomfort during class,

So, I wish someday he'd pass,

Every time I take a test the critter likes to squirm.

NEW CRACKERS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE

I paid too much for saltine crackers I bought new,

I paid too much for oyster crackers I bought new too,

Crackers are priced like high end beef,

I feel like I've been robbed by a thief,

I guess I'll just shop online for crackers sold "like new."

I TOOK THE TOOTH FAIRY TO COURT

I lost my tooth and the tooth fairy gave me only a dime,

The tooth had a gold cap so, the fairy committed a crime,

So, I took the tooth fairy to court,

The judge ruled that my tooth came up short,

 It was discounted because it was covered all in grime. 

FOREVER VILIFIED BY A PHOTO

In photos, why do thin people always stand next to me?

They make me look huge since, I have their girth times three,

I'm in a food hog position,

Causing them malnutrition,

At least that's what generations will see.

MEAN DON'T CUT IT WITH THE REEPER

I should of been my brother's keeper,

Told this was I by Grim The Reeper,

I was terrible mean,

Too late to come clean,

I'll be real uncomfortable when I'm a sleeper.

I WENT TO THE GROCERY AT THE END OF MARCH

I went to the grocery store at the end of March,

All I could afford was a small box of starch,

But, I'm glad it was present,

To feed this starving peasant,

I just need a pop or I'll parch.

YEARBOOK

I went to my senior yearbook but, that was a bust,

All of the pages had turned into dust,

Of course it might be a win,

For I never fit in,

I got by, got my diploma but, just.

CREAM CORN AND YAM: HAPPY EASTER TO SAM

I can't go to the store for an Easter ham,

My main menu item is an expired canned yam,

But, I will not morn, 

I found a can of cream corn,

Which I'll share with my mouse guest named Sam.

STUFF FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

I dreamed the Easter Bunny brought me three cans of peas,

He brought me three cans of corn and cough drops for disease,

But, he brought me no candy,

Just a stuffed chicken named Andy,

And, a jar of honey manufactured by bees.

THE CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY TREAT

A large chocolate Easter bunny went hopping down the street,

Starving little children watched with want for food to eat,

So, I journeyed out my door, 

 With my golf club I named "Four,"

 And, all the little children had a chocolate Easter treat.

MY DUSTY EASTER EGGS

The eggs I have are powered to dust,

For Easter I'll use them I suppose,  I must,

There's no fresh eggs or fresh bacon,

From the store shelves they've been taken,

My Easter breakfast this year is a bust.

I DECLARE SNOW FORT INDEPENDENCE

I declare my independence with my snow fort nation,

Anyone who attacks will get a snowball ration,

This ain't any gag,

I've got a snow fort flag,

I'm piling ammunition for a long duration.

A VAMPIRE FINDS THE LIGHT

After living forever under a vampire curse,

I decided to escape to a multiverse,

Through a portal I made my run,

Found a verse with only sun,

I tried to escape to  a brand new verse,

Now, things have become much, much worse.

THE FAMILY BULLY PICKS WHAT'S ON THE BIG SCREEN

When the family is all home the tensions rise and rise,

And, as time wears on there's a good humor demise,

At the end there are no more votes,

On where the remote control floats,

Brute force wins in the end, no surprise.

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD IN THE WEE EARLY SPRING

I went fishing for steelhead in the wee early spring, 

With a hook-line, the capture is a spiritual thing,

A steely will lunge round logs and rocks,

A fight lasts many ticks and tocks,

The fillets so delicious; what satisfaction they bring.

TEA WITH THE WRONG TASTE

That tea just tasted so wrong,

It wasn't brewed even that strong,

Of course I knew it was old,

When I scraped off the mold,

It's a barff night; I won't be waiting too long.

BASKETBALL ON THE MOON

I went to the moon and built a basketball court,   

I love to dunk baskets but, on earth I'm too short,

Of course, my shots are too long,

When I play moon based pingpong,

However, on the moon pingpong ain't much of a sport.

MY BACON, APPLE, CINNAMON, CHEEZY PIE

I kept my baking powder very dry,

So, I could bake my Apple pie,

I use apples, cinnamon and cheese,

I bake at 350 degrees,

And, pile on bacon to the sky.

I PINE AND PINE FOR MY TREE

I pine and pine for my tree,

It was an oak that disease made soul free,

But, I loved it the most,

And, I yearn for its ghost,

To comfort and stand over me.

DOG GONE UNICORN WILL BE MY HASH BROWNS RUIN

I just saw a unicorn skipping across the farm,

He went trespassing through my potato patch and did my taters harm,

The taters became hash,

And, only fries get me big cash,

Next time I'll get that unicorn when he trips my new alarm.

BE KIND, BEARS

I went out to the chicken coop and what beasts did I find,

Two great big bears and they were unkind.

They ate my rooster named Joe,

And, my favorite hen, Flo,

Then, upon my shocked face they did dine.

I ORDERED ONLINE AND I AIN'T DOING FINE

I stayed in place and ordered all of my stuff online,

I emptied the boxes that came now, there's nowhere to dine,

And,

My living room is filling,

I just hope providence is willing,

To save me a spot to drink wine.

DOES ANYONE HAVE CLEAN UNDERWARE?

Does anyone have clean underware?

Or, are they all soiled because TP is rare?

Of course it's best not roam,

But, just stay to home,

Where your friends and your family won't care?

I'M A DREAMER NOT A LOOSER limerick

Although I might be a poor choice chooser,

And, some would define my state to be looser,

But, I must protest,

Because I'm on a quest,

A dream quest so, I'm a snoozer.

I OVER SHELTERED IN PLACE

I was ordered to "shelter in place,"

Then, they cut the utilities at my shelter base,

So, there I quietly stayed,

For about a dcade,

When I left no one knew my old face.

ALONG CAME THE GRIZZLY BEAR

I had lots of pumpkins and bosc pears,

So, I fed them to the local bears,

Then, this grizzly comes along,

It ate the local bears; that's wrong!

Then, the grizzly ate my mule and mares. 

WHAT THE RAIN BROUGHT

The rain fell down on the road,

It froze: all wrecks were eventually towed,

Deep ditches I feared,

When the bottoms I neared,

I feared worse the repair bills I owed.

  

WHAT'S CORN GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I am in love but, I know scorn,

I am ignored like the never born,

Truly I must say,

Love hurts in that special way,

Like lacking teeth to chew up corn.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREE CORN IN THE SNOW

Four ears of corn stuck out of the snow,

Two turkeys took it for a free eat & go,

But, the corn was just bait,

Owned by an eagle and mate,

In wait to unleash talon woe.

WHAT MY POT NEEDS

I can't go to the store, oh squat!

I need a pork roast for my pot,

Plague laws keep me here,

Where fresh meat's become dear,

And, I find canned meats tasty, Hell Not!

PREDICTIONS

Tuesday, there will be record cold

Wednesday, there will be plague,

Thursday, that's when the stock's are sold,

Friday's outlook is still quite vague.

Saturday, we all eat pie,

Sunday, no one gives a hoot,

Monday, we'll ask great spirit why?

Tuesday, "Taps"we''ll toot, toot, toot.

IT'S WHAT'S IN THE SYRUP THAT COUNTS WITH PANCAKES

I eat lots of pancakes which keeps me well fed,

I ran out of maple syrup so I used cough syrup instead,

The flavor made it a different dine,

It was like pancakes and wine,

I passed out and I awoke, wet to bed. 

VELCRO QUICK

I bought some shoes with Velcro stick,

It makes securing footwear so very quick,

Those long complicated shoelaces,

Would put me through my paces,

And, getting a bow to stay tied was some trick.

WHAT FELL IN THE TREES STAYS IN THE TREES

Nobody knows what fell in the trees,

But, they say that my uncle crawled out on his knees,

Was there an alien race?

From deep outer space?

Or, did my uncle urinate on some bees?

READ CAUTIOUSLY OR DEVINE EXPLANATION

Hiding in the woods dark green,

Down below the forest spleen,

Central music from the pond of frogs,

Instinctively, the choir sings from island logs,

Of their alien world of in between.

THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY: MY WORST FEAR CAME TRUE

I went to the Michigan primary and found my worst fear,

I was in line behind Santa, his sleigh, elves and, deer,

The elves and deer had big fight,

Over which candidate was right,

And, Santa's pipe made my eyes ache and tear.

MY PRETZEL PAST

In my pretzel past, I was an overeater,
I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter,
With all the pretzels I ate,
I gained plenty of weight,
So, on planes I occupied a two-seater.

DON'T FORGET THE SPRAY ON DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY

Daylight savings means workers lose one morning hour,

Most manage a breakfast but have no time for a shower,

So, I just embrace,

The smells of my working place,

And, use can spray with the scent of a flower.

PUMPKIN SUP, NOT!

I spied a pumpkin underneath a dead pine tree,

There was no one around so, I figured it was free,

I imagined it would be my sup,

It could feed my kids and pup,

Then, along comes a bear who claimed the orange meat was for he.

I WENT TO THE MOON TO PRACTICE

I went to the moon where I could find a great vacant land,

Where the neighbors couldn't complain when I pretend I'm in band,

Where I can make a big tone,

On my terror trombone,

And, the police don't take me off to be canned.

THE IDES OF MARCH COMETH THEN, COMETH REVENGE

The Idea of March cometh soon in the year,

That's when dear Brutus gifted Caesar a tear,

Because he thought Caesar was wrong,

Brutus joined the stab along,

But, Brutus cringed seeing Caesar's heir carried a spear.

GOAT CHEESE AND MY PRIMARY EXPECTATIONS

I went to the primary to cast my vote,

There I learned my candidate was no longer afloat,

So, I voted with a snore,

Glad I found the exit door,

Then, I went home and made cheese with the goat.

FOR WHOM IT IS DEAR, THE 2020 LEAP YEAR

Long and cold are the February nights that comprise this 2020 Leap Year,
And, adamantly we extol our rights to greet the 29th day with a jeer!
Why make a month in the winter last one extra day?
For winter brings sickness and hunger and scarce light to make pay,
Oh great and the powerful, what lost profits do ye fear?
If the 29th of February would just disappear?





a

A FAREWELL TO MY BACON-WRAPED CHEESE-STUFFED POTATO

Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food,

Less, I should become an unhealthy dude,

My bacon-cheese potato,

Is replaced by a salad with grape tomato,

Now I'll live much longer but, I'll be in a crapy mood.

I MARRIED THE OLD FISH FROM THE SEA

I married an old fish who came from the sea,
He was a jolly old fish but, smelly was he,
Perfumes and deodorants didn't take,
I swear they're all fake,
He does smell a bit better when he drinks ginger tea.

LAY ME DOWN MY WIG

Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig,

Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,

 Tomorrow I'll awaken with hardly any sleep,

And, I hope at work I do o.k. so, my job I just might keep,  

I think it is incredible each day that I survive,

Until, I drop dead at work and am declared an unalive,

Of course, there are the medicines I take for my aches and pains,

 These meds have scrambled up my guts and eaten away my brains,

To live to be a pensioner I think is real naive,

For all the decades I have worked, not one penny I'll receive,

I have no riches to pass on to my son when he gets big,

But, I'm sure it will fit him so, I bequeath to him my wig.