THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption, so at the end I won't whine.

THE PRICE OF VANITY (A LIMERICK)

I hung my own picture on the wall,
It fell on my wood stove and that's not all,
After my nighttime retire,
My picture caught fire,
Now, I live on a bench in the mall.

IT SNOWED ON MY FOURTH OF JULY COOKOUT

It snowed on my Fourth of July cookout,
So, I had to order some Fourth of July took-out,
But, even with a downpour,
The fireworks would soar,
And, from inside we stood and would lookout.

I STEPPED ON A TOAD AND HAD A BAD HAIR DAY

When I walked through the forest grim,
I stepped on a toad and squashed poor him,
But, he was a barber toad,
Who felt revenge he was owed,
So, he gave my hair a bad trim.

MY BOARD GAME WINNINGS

While playing a board game that had a pair of red dice,
I noticed my opponent was scratching head lice,
I won that board game,
But, my win was so lame,
For my itchy skull was no prize but, a price.

RANDY HAD A LITTLE RASH

Randy had a little rash,
He cleared it up but, it cost some cash,
So, he took a job in a sewer,
Which was such a peuwer,
He covered his face with a sash.

COW'S MILK IN THE CITY

I went outside to find a cow,
I needed milk to feed my meow,
But, there were no cows in my city,
Some said I was dim-witty,
So, for market milk I'll settle for now.

I BEAT MY DOOR WITH A ROCK

My dorm room door I beat down with a rock,
Because my roommates had changed the lock,
And, after that date,
I knew how'd I rate,
So, I put all their electronics in hock.

THEY CALL ME A TROLL

I love getting reactions when with words I deceive,

By making comments online that I don't believe,

Now, without regard for my soul,

I've been labeled a troll,

By those whom I conclude are naive.  (Or, maybe not.) 

THE HOW DO I VOTE LIMERICK

In the election I don't know how to vote,
All the politicians just seem so remote,
I guess I'll vote for the best dancers,
Maybe they'll have the best answers,
I'd vote for bakers but, they all sugarcoat.

THE WORD "ARITHMETIC" STARTS WITH AN "A" LIMERICK

"Arithmetic" starts with an "A",
With such a good letter I should've had a good day,
But, what would it be?
On my math test was an "E",
So, in 1st grade I guess I will stay.

MY HOUND DOG BIT MY FACE OFF

My dog bit my face off and it was not pleasant,
He can't see too well and thought I a pheasant,
I don't blame him too much,
And, my face needed a touch,
Now, I don't look just like another peasant.

I SHUCKED A PEANUT

I shucked a peanut and no nut was there,
It was a great disappointment that I could not bare,
So, I shucked another,
It had no nut like it's brother,
Then, I started pulling out handfuls of my hair.

THE ROTTEN FISH IN A BAG LIMERICK

My dog Jim found a fish in an old paper bag,
It smelled bad but Jim's tail did a vigorous wag,
It did not me take much of a study,
To see Jim had a new little buddy,
A buddy that just made me gag.