FRED SENT ME FLOWERS

I got some flowers from my best bud Fred,

He sent me flowers when I went dead,

In my final dwell,

I didn't smell so well,

So, they buried the flowers with my pine box bed.

FOR RENT, I SOLD MY SOUL ON LAYAWAY

Before I enter the month called May, 

My rent bill I will have to pay,

But, I lost my job,

And, my roommate, Bob,

On time, I've sold my soul in layaway.

NONSENCE WITH SIMPLE NUMBERS MADE BY SIMPLER MINDS

7 is not 11 unless you add the number 4,

Then, you must add another 9 before you have a score,

But, do not wait,

There's an inflation rate,

That's when everyone asks for more.

SPRING EXERCISE

I exercised for a very short while,

By walking around my small domicile,

But, the stamina required,

Made me awfully tired,

I collapsed when I reached the floor tile.

A FREE SUMMER VACATION HOME

I dreamed of vacation as I sat on the lawn,

But, all of my sources of income are gone,

Then, the eyes in my head,

Spied my old garden shed,

I leave for vacation at dawn.

MEANIES OR FRIENDS?

If we are to survive then, it all depends,

On whether we decide to be meanies or friends,

We should all be nice,

It's not much of a price,

Or, we'll all be screwed if life ends.

THE CURRENCY OF OUTER SPACE

I hitched a ride to Mars,

It cost me 6 cigars,

I couldn't take my pets,

That cost cigarettes,

And, I'm saving those smokes for the stars.

I'VE NEVER TO PARROT

I have never been to Parrot:  its a thrift shop down the street,

To go is a social demerit:  that's where poor people meet,

Anyone can go to the store,

You get discounts to buy more,

Great clothing, it's cheap to wear it, and still afford to eat.

I NEED DETROIT FOOTBALL

When it finally happens and it's the football time of year,

I'll be watching from home decked out in Detroit Lions' gear,

Although, I'll not be a present fan,

I'll watch with all of Michigan,

And, we'll be eating tacos and pizza while, sipping pop and beer.

THE DRAGON WAS SLAIN BUT, I DIDN'T GET TO SEE

I saw old George the other day,

He was off to find a dragon to slay,

I asked to come along,

Then, I'd post him in song,

George laughed and then sent me away.

THE EASTER RABBIT CAME CALLING

The Easter Rabbit came calling and said that I owed him money

He said I stole a chocolate Easter egg and a white chocolate bunny,

I denied thieving of course

So, the rabbit used force,

He popped my nose and made it bloody runny.

GREEN IS THE BROCCOLI

Green is the broccoli I fry upon the stove,

Browning is the fish I caught down at Sugar Cove,

 My french fries soaked in grease,

May one day give me eternal peace,

Today upon my table rests a fisherman's treasure trove.  

THE GREAT YELLOW BALL

The sight Michiganders have seldom seen,

Is the great yellow ball that turns white to green,

Rumor has it, it does exist,

Somewhere in the cloud-snow mist,

Yet, it could be fable, real or, tween.

THE SNOW SPRAWL MADE ME BAWL FOR MY ROSES ON THE WALL

This winter has been both big and tall,

The snow was deep and great was it's sprawl,

It was the longest winter I recall,

I think of my roses and start to bawl,

For I only have those up on the wall.

MY MANGY TIPS

My pay is in the lower range,

In fact, most weeks I'm paid with change,

I mostly get tips,

Like return bottle slips,

Or, I should shower to get did of my mange.

GINGER BEER SUCCESS

No one foretold of the tree that was old that fell on the cabin last year,

Then, when the crushed cabin sold the new owners went bold, starting a brewery that made ginger beer,

The gross margins they nailed,

And, the stock price, it sailed,

So, they retired and live nowhere near.

Dedicated to Antwon

WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES MR. SNOW

If my strawberry plants could enforce their say,

They'd force the spring snowfalls to go away,

Strawberry baby making is hard,

While snow covers every yard,

And, causes a strawberry season delay.

 

TWO CANS OF TUNA AND SALMON MAKES IT THREE

I went to the grocery store to buy some tuna fish,

They only let me have two cans but, three was my wish,

The tuna order was short that day,

So, like a good sport I did obey,

I just added a can of salmon to make my fishy dish.

A WORM ATE MY DIPLOMA

I've spent my youth trying to complete my senior term,

I would have made it this time but, my belly got a worm,

The worm causes discomfort during class,

So, I wish someday he'd pass,

Every time I take a test the critter likes to squirm.

NEW CRACKERS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE

I paid too much for saltine crackers I bought new,

I paid too much for oyster crackers I bought new too,

Crackers are priced like high end beef,

I feel like I've been robbed by a thief,

I guess I'll just shop online for crackers sold "like new."

I TOOK THE TOOTH FAIRY TO COURT

I lost my tooth and the tooth fairy gave me only a dime,

The tooth had a gold cap so, the fairy committed a crime,

So, I took the tooth fairy to court,

The judge ruled that my tooth came up short,

 It was discounted because it was covered all in grime. 

FOREVER VILIFIED BY A PHOTO

In photos, why do thin people always stand next to me?

They make me look huge since, I have their girth times three,

I'm in a food hog position,

Causing them malnutrition,

At least that's what generations will see.

MEAN DON'T CUT IT WITH THE REEPER

I should of been my brother's keeper,

Told this was I by Grim The Reeper,

I was terrible mean,

Too late to come clean,

I'll be real uncomfortable when I'm a sleeper.

I WENT TO THE GROCERY AT THE END OF MARCH

I went to the grocery store at the end of March,

All I could afford was a small box of starch,

But, I'm glad it was present,

To feed this starving peasant,

I just need a pop or I'll parch.

YEARBOOK

I went to my senior yearbook but, that was a bust,

All of the pages had turned into dust,

Of course it might be a win,

For I never fit in,

I got by, got my diploma but, just.

CREAM CORN AND YAM: HAPPY EASTER TO SAM

I can't go to the store for an Easter ham,

My main menu item is an expired canned yam,

But, I will not morn, 

I found a can of cream corn,

Which I'll share with my mouse guest named Sam.

STUFF FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

I dreamed the Easter Bunny brought me three cans of peas,

He brought me three cans of corn and cough drops for disease,

But, he brought me no candy,

Just a stuffed chicken named Andy,

And, a jar of honey manufactured by bees.

THE CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY TREAT

A large chocolate Easter bunny went hopping down the street,

Starving little children watched with want for food to eat,

So, I journeyed out my door, 

 With my golf club I named "Four,"

 And, all the little children had a chocolate Easter treat.

MY DUSTY EASTER EGGS

The eggs I have are powered to dust,

For Easter I'll use them I suppose,  I must,

There's no fresh eggs or fresh bacon,

From the store shelves they've been taken,

My Easter breakfast this year is a bust.

I DECLARE SNOW FORT INDEPENDENCE

I declare my independence with my snow fort nation,

Anyone who attacks will get a snowball ration,

This ain't any gag,

I've got a snow fort flag,

I'm piling ammunition for a long duration.

A VAMPIRE FINDS THE LIGHT

After living forever under a vampire curse,

I decided to escape to a multiverse,

Through a portal I made my run,

Found a verse with only sun,

I tried to escape to  a brand new verse,

Now, things have become much, much worse.

THE FAMILY BULLY PICKS WHAT'S ON THE BIG SCREEN

When the family is all home the tensions rise and rise,

And, as time wears on there's a good humor demise,

At the end there are no more votes,

On where the remote control floats,

Brute force wins in the end, no surprise.

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD IN THE WEE EARLY SPRING

I went fishing for steelhead in the wee early spring, 

With a hook-line, the capture is a spiritual thing,

A steely will lunge round logs and rocks,

A fight lasts many ticks and tocks,

The fillets so delicious; what satisfaction they bring.

TEA WITH THE WRONG TASTE

That tea just tasted so wrong,

It wasn't brewed even that strong,

Of course I knew it was old,

When I scraped off the mold,

It's a barff night; I won't be waiting too long.

BASKETBALL ON THE MOON

I went to the moon and built a basketball court,   

I love to dunk baskets but, on earth I'm too short,

Of course, my shots are too long,

When I play moon based pingpong,

However, on the moon pingpong ain't much of a sport.

MY BACON, APPLE, CINNAMON, CHEEZY PIE

I kept my baking powder very dry,

So, I could bake my Apple pie,

I use apples, cinnamon and cheese,

I bake at 350 degrees,

And, pile on bacon to the sky.