THE WET WHISTLE FISHERMAN

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry,

For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry,

Of course it was not a good day,

For my boat sailed away,

And, a shark ate me like a side order fry.

DAD'S RECOLLECTION OF HIS FATHER AT WAR

My grandfather fought in World War One,

He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,

 And, for twenty-one days,

In the war's horrendous haze,  

"He was behind enemy lines," said his son.  

BUNYAN WENT SPITTING FROM THE MITTEN

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten,

For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin',

But, Bunyan spit way too far,

Hit the Dutch Royal Car,

It's good it weren't baseballs he was hittin'.

THE DIVINE LOOKING EDGES

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine,

I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine, 

But, what is a dream?

Just a play with no scheme,

Besides, looking rough around the edges is divine.

THE SINKING TURTLE DREAM

With too much water, he might drink,

A little turtle just might sink,

And, while diving deep,

He just might sleep,

And, dream of seaweed that is pink. 

HEAT THE TUNA WELL BEFORE YOU POUCH IT

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat,

You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat,

But, while in my stomach lying,

That last tuna was really crying,

Methinks, when processed the tuna didn't get enough heat.

 

OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY

As they gaze out their outhouse portal,

Many people dream of being immortal,

But, a firm rap on the door,

And, you wish you could stay more,

And, knowing your place in the world makes you chortle.

ANTIQUE UNDERGARMENTS FOR SALE

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers,

Buying up twelfth century knickers,

But, pickers should curtail,

Their penchant for resale,

Or, display black plague warnings on stickers.

THE TAXIDERMIST LIMERICK

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy,

He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy,

Some thought he was nuts,

Because he cooked up the guts,

And, made sausage that was hot and real squirmy.  

ROOMS IN THE MIST

Wanting more like Oliver Twist

I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list,

But, no mushrooms, so sad, 

I guess the soil's gone real bad,

Still, I'll keep hunting mushrooms in the early morn mist. 

JIM'S NEW ABODE

Jim is very poor at driving down the road,

He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad,

Jim swerved into the other lane,

Where a semi caused him pain,

Then, a hospital became Jimmy's new abode. 

MOTHER'S DAY LIMERICK

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day,

More than flowers for mothers in May,

For all we conceive,

And, all we achieve,

We celebrate those who created the way.

THE WATER WONDER KIN

As I was walking in the rain,

On the sidewalk white and plain,

The water ran into the drain,

And, I thought that it was just insane,

All that water around my feet,

Draining in rivers down the street, 

Could be sent to places with bone dry heat,

Then, I forgot such thoughts for it was time to eat.  

MA'S DAY IN THE BACKWOODS

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day,

But, that's no time for ma to play,

Her family has got to eat,

So, prepare the mince meat,

With side pork and greens pulled from clay.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

ELVES IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

THE ELEVATION OF FEET

Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing,

Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing,

Of course I'm a big winier,

But, my feet fit well the recliner,

So, off the floor my feet I'm chairing.

LOCKLIEL SHOULD NOT PLAY TRUMPET

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour,

The more that he played the less his money shower,

And, one wonderful day,

The police took Lockliel away,

Then, silence was testimony to his power. 

BATTERY ACID DONE ME HARM

Battery acid does great harm,

It burned a scar across my arm,

It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek,

What relief did I seek?,

Of course water scored,

After an intake I out poured,

And, the aftertaste was most vial,

I would not recommend a trial,

So, when battery acid leaks I've learned,

Dilute the acid or worsen what's burned,

Of course I've embellished so, saith the cynic,

Yet, I have proof in my bills from the Mayo Clinic.

THE PARENTS OF A TV FLY

We're the parents of a TV fly,

When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry,

We're afraid he'll be a rotter,

After a hit with a fly swatter,

It's much safer crossing a toilet or a pie.

BINGE EATING MY DEPRESSION AWAY

I've ceased watching all cooking shows,

Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows,

I sold cooking utensils so dear,

It made my depression severe,

So, I binge ate myself out of my cloths.

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE MOUSE

I think that I will quit wearing my hat,

Because, that's where the mice keep leaving their scat,

But, there is just a wrinkle,

For, my cat loves to tinkle,

And, I've taught him where the mouse beds are at. 

I TOOK A WRONG TRAIL AND ENDED UP WITH A WHALE

I took a walk in the forest but, took the wrong trail, 

Then, I heard something howl then swished it's big tail,

I looked toward a giant dead stump,

Then, my heart started to pump,

As I gazed at a killer land whale.

I WENT TO LAREDO FOR SOUP

I went to Laredo to find me some soup,

I heard they had cows that were deep in their scoop,

For I seek fertilizer,

I like the wet stuff cause I'm wiser,

For moisture's real scarce to mix with dry poop. 

THE COLORS OF TEETH AND BACK

If your teeth are green and black,

Keep your mouth shut to avoid attack,

From those having teeth whitey white,

Who brush for a  cavity fight,

But, have green hair from scalp to back. 

MY UMBRELLA SAILED BEFORE IT RAINED, SNOWED AND THEN HAILED

My umbrella failed,

When a tornado came along my umb sailed,

Not wanting to up-flow,

I let my umb go,

Then it rained, then snowed and then hailed.   

THE SPILL AND THE MINCE MEAT PIE FLY

I spilled tomato juice on my mince meat pie,

It dis-flavored the mince meat and I thought I would die,

And, my mince meat pie ala mode,

Tasted like feet of dead toad,

So, to the trash my pie took a fly.

THE BEARER OF THE JAGGED STEAK KNIFE

My steak knives are so incredibly dull,

The fat on my steaks my knives will not cull,

 My steaks tremble with terror,

For I'm the jagged knife bearer,

My knives give steaks something they can all mull.

PILLOWS AND FOR WHOM THE CLOCK TICKS

Sometimes pillows are way to soft,

Sometimes they are hard as a rock,

Sometimes pillows slip off the bed in my loft,

While all night I count the ticks of the clock,

IS TRAVERSE CITY SANTA'S SUMMER RETREAT?

The jurors are out they say,

As to where Santa summers his sleigh,

I think it's a pity,

If it's not Traverse City,

Where he could have a beautiful view of the bay.

JIM'S TAPEWORM AND SKINNY TRANSFORMER BRAG

No one ate nearly as much as Big Jim,

In his gut a tapeworm was taking  a swim,

And, Big Jim got so skinny,

Shopped cloths stores for the "mini,"

Jim bragged which just made him seem dim.

WAITING FOR MY TRICKLE-DOWN

I'm waiting for my trickle-down raise,

Although, my boss says a raise would be out of phase,

For long, long before,

I'll get pink-slipped out the door,

Because trickle-down signs the end of my days.

MY NECK OF THE WOODS

We don't have much fancy in my neck of the woods,

We don't have much money and ain't got many goods,

And, everything we find that will crawl,

We eat or hang on the wall,

And, use the skin for our hats and our hoods.

I BUILT MY HOUSE WITH BORROWED NAILS

I built my house with borrowed nails,

I must of borrowed pails and pails,

Now, some want their nails back,

That will leave me with some shack,

And, it'll fall over with hard rains and the gales.

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

REVOLUTIONARY, NEW POLE BARN FLOOR

My pole barn had a brand new floor,

It was made of ice and nothing more,

It worked great most of the year,

But, when warm weather got here,

A tidal wave came out of the door.

A LINE IN THE SAND AND A BAD NOODLE TAN

I drew a line in the sand,

I did it with a stick in my hand,

I'm not sure what for?

Maybe I'm going to war,

I think my noodle got overly tanned. 

NEW BOOTS AND WORMS IN A CORNFIELD

In a cornfield I stood worried about what to eat,

When, my boots started sinking into a pile of corncrete,

I wretched I thought,

For those were new boots I had bought,

And, worms would surely eat through them to my feet.

THE EASTER BASKET BLUES

I got an Easter basket but, I do not have any shoes,

I can't use my basket for footwear because it did not come in twos,

My feet are too big to share,

And, my weight one basket won't bare,

I'll just wait until next Easter then, a second basket will bring good news. 

THE UNCLE JAY JAY RHYMES

My uncle Jay Jay,

Bleached his toupee,

Now his hair is all white,

Like his daddy Ray Ray,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Played his trumpet all day,

Then, went fishing at night,

Out on Grand Traverse Bay,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Once played in a band at night,

But, with the jazz flutist,

Had a fist fight,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Didn't like the sound of the flute,

For any woodwinds he did not give a hoot,

He said only a brass horn could give a good toot,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Left this world with the tide,

In the next world he's sitting all full of pride,

Making toot in a brass band of trumpets and slide.     

  

TOO PRETTY FOR A BIG CITY: A POSSUM'S STORY

There was a little possum we all knew as Begonia, 

Her actual name was a rhyme known as Sonja,

She did not like Traverse City,

Thought it too big for one so pretty,

So, she moved herself and her stuff to Benzonia.

A FLIPPING TUNA WITH TATERS

A giant tuna way out in the sea,

Swam up the river for me,

I hooked him in the lip,

Pulled him on shore in mid-flip, 

Now, I'll serve him with taters at tea.

BENNY BROKE AN EARLOBE

Benny broke an earlobe,

Now it's an ear flap,

Whoever heard of breaking an earlobe?

By wearing a too tight baseball cap.

CANKER CREAM II

Many people fell for the scheme,

Of trying to buy canker cream,

Buy, why should you try it,

Just go change things in your diet,

Save money and let your smile beam.

CANKER CREAM I

Poor Sam had a mouth full of cankers,

They were puffy and not pinchers or yankers,

The suave to make they go away,

Was much more than Sam's pay,

So, Sam got three loans from three different bankers. 

SUCKED DOWN ON THE ICE: A FISHERMAN'S TALE

When I was fishing out on the ice,

A thing happened that made me think twice,

For, up from the ice hole, 

Came a giant snake with a roll,

He sucked me down and his breath smelled like mice.

UNDER THE WEATHER SORE THROAT

I bought me some throat lounges but, my throat is still sore,

It feels like some elf gave my throat a tear and a tore,

I wish the weather would get better,

Instead, of colder and wetter,

So, I'm feeling under the weather and more.

BARD'S GOT A CONCRETE MUSHROOM SONG

The concrete mushroom in my yard,

Gave inspiration to the local bard,

But, it seems awful wrong,

For a concrete mushroom song,

When finding tasty mushrooms is hard. 

EYE ON SOUSE

When Miller stopped at the Biergarten House,

He tarried there instead of going home to his spouse,

Which made his lonely spouse sob,

Till, she got a biergarten job,

Now, the spouse keeps an eye on her souse.  

PLANT CLOSURES AND THE PURLOINED TOILET PAPER

The plant shut down and Dan was sent out the door,

He purloined some bath tissue to even the score,

But, he was caught with his booty,

And, the police got real shooty,

Now, Dan is worm food and he'll be nothing more. 

THE ROOM IN MY WALLET

There's lots of wiggle room in my wallet,

I'm broke and don't know what else to call it,

But, I'm soon to get pay,

Then, I'll have a good day,

And, I and my friends can go mall it. 

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

Many people believe that their lives are a mess,

To the fairies of failure they kneel to and confess,

Of course, all the silver and gold,

Are success symbols oversold, 

When, food and a warm place to sleep is success

THE PEARL DIVING DOG NAMED SAM

My little dog named Sam,

Diving for pearls he swam,

But, no oysters, no pearls,

Still, he got attention from girls,

"He's my dog," I'd say like a ham.

WINE, BEER AND THE SINUS BAD CHEER

My sinuses are on the decline,

I drank wine which makes them not fine,

But, when I drink beer,

My sinuses are of raw cheer,

So, with alcohol I no longer dine.

UP INTO MY EARS

When my eyes let go some tears,

Before me a tissue box soon appears,
But, the tissue the box wouldn't let go,

And, with a full nose to blow,

An explosion went up into my ears.

THE CHICKEN THAT WOULD NOT FLY

That chicken just won't fly,

It's wings are clipped and it's about to fry,

And, when it's breast is frying done,

I have some mayonnaise on a bun,

Then, under some bacon and tomato it will lie.

MY FEELINGS ON DRINKING SNOW WATER

I drank snow water and it was so cold,

My throat froze and I was not sold,

I want my water hotter,

Save the cold for an otter,

My drink makes me feel I'm too bold.

 

I ENTERED A BEAUTY CONTEST LIMERICK

I entered a beauty contest,

And, I gave it all of my best,

But, I had disproportional stacking,

And, way too much backing,

Of course, my hair was a big bedbug nest.   

THE NEEDLE IN THE THIGH SUGAR HIGH

I thought I was going to die,

When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh,

It hurt so bad I had to cry,

Then, I looked at my tailor and didn't have to ask why?

My tailor had all over his tie,

A chocolate bar both melted and dry,

It seems my tailor was on a sugar high,

So, I thought I'd give another tailor a try.